 About the Author:
My name is Kimberly Madison (pronouns she/her), and I’m a lifelong person who stutters. An administrator (and sometimes massage therapist) by trade, truly I’m just a human being trying to make myself and the world a better place. Mental health and personal growth are topics I particularly feel drawn to. Also I enjoy music and dancing in all forms, but especially African / African diaspora drum and dance. I currently live in the United States, on ancestral Tohono O’odham land in Tucson, Arizona, with my sweet husband and kitty. |
This is a short video recorded by me, Kimberly Madison, for International Stuttering Awareness Day (ISAD) 2026. This video describes three different “shades”, or perspectives, in how I view the arc of my stuttering journey since childhood.
Kimberly,
I am truly blown away by your willingness to not only put yourself out there about stuttering, for the first time, as you say, but choosing to do so by video is just stunning.
I remember when I first contributed to this conference, I had spent SO much time organizing and planning and thinking of what I should say, and how. I wrote a paper, and then did the same for a few more years. I never had the courage to full out share a video of me actually talking about stuttering, and more so, actually stuttering.
So what you have done, as a first timer to sharing your story, is inspirational.
Your three shades so beautifully encapsulate the complex journey of stuttering. The shades keep changing and we adjust. You are adjusting and doing what so many who stutter cannot and will not do, YET. You have just made it so much easier for many others to also say, “hey, I am tired of doing this . . . . let me just deal with it.”
Thank you for letting me/us be witness to your growth.
Pam
Oh gosh. Pam. Logging on to this site today to check my page feels so fraught. I have felt myself wanting to avoid it, out of shame and embarrassment. I was scared to see myself here, or have anyone else watch the video. I didn’t want to witness myself – a self that produced this from a moment of courageous “shade #3”, watching today from my avoidant “shade #1” perspective. Reading your comment here … and reading your’s and Sara’s incredible pieces, melted my shame just enough to allow me to watch it again. I almost don’t recognize me. That’s how new shade #3 is. Your words here feel like both a healing salve, a balm, and also like a lifeline to a version of myself I’m still uncovering from the shadows. Thank you for everything.
So brave of you Kimberly to speak up and share your story. It is great to see that you are following your own journey of discovery and where it will take you is like stuttering itself, a beautiful mystery slowly unfolding.
Thank you so much for your kind reflection! And yes, wow … a beautiful mystery slowly unfolding. I hope to one day see my stutter as a beautiful mystery that unfolds in any given moment ;o). That is a prayer I have for myself in this lifetime.
Kimberly,
Thank you for doing this video and sharing your journey. I wish you the very best as you work on your personal growth and speech. It is a pleasure to have you here in AZ.
J-J-Judith.
Judith! J-J-J-Judith! You are such an inspiration for me, a “shero” – and one of the reasons I was able to muster the courage to submit a video here on this platform. Thank you for viewing it, and please keep spreading the good word about advertising unapologetic stuttering as you do! WE’RE LISTENING 🙏🏽
Kimberly, thank you so much for being open to sharing your journey. I ADORE how you are speaking more of your truth and allowing yourself to be seen, heard, and HERE. I love your explanation of the shades and your honesty about your journey.
P.S. Love the shirt!!
Thank you so much Ashley!! And the shirt is my new favorite thing ever ;o) – it’s by a maker on Etsy with the handle “VTStutteringTherapy”. Her name is Danra, and she’s an SLP. Also she donates a portion of her proceeds to the National Stuttering Association (which I became involved in last year), so that’s extra lovely!
Hi Kimberly! Your message was beautifully said. This outlook on stuttering is powerful. Embracing stuttering with acceptance and a willingness to grow, rather than feeling the need to hide it, is powerful. I’m currently studying speech and this experience has reinforced the importance of fostering confidence and empowering individuals to communicate authentically.
@asolo12 I so appreciate your words of encouragement. And YES to communicating authentically and confidently! – I love that your study of speech has promoted this insight. For some people, the confidence comes first and the authenticity follows … for others, the impulse to be truly seen (AND ACCEPTED) can be the driver for confidence. For me, it’s like that famous Anais Nin quote, “And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” And – it often takes a lot of support from trusted community to nurture that kind of empowerment. Thanks for being one of the helpers!
Hi Kimberly! Thank you for being so open and vulnerable in sharing your experience! I found your description of the different shades of stuttering really interesting. I especially appreciated how you described moving between moments of confidence and avoidance. I’m curious, when you find yourself moving back toward avoidance after experiencing moments of acceptance, what helps you navigate those feelings? Is there anything you wish SLPs better understood about this process?
Yasmin! My goodness what an excellent (and challenging) question you asked ;o). WOW honestly … I actively struggle with this. My inner critics are very loud, and love to tell me I’m worthless when they have the chance. Some things that help me in the immediate: being in regular psychotherapy, taking pharmaceuticals for anxiety/depression/ADHD, moving my body in joyous ways (walk, dance, yard work, etc), and verbally processing with trusted friends/beloveds.
As for more conceptual ideas, I think first having a deep understanding that any internal process is NOT linear is very important (LOL still working on this!!!). You can’t expect to stay in one state of being for very long. The classic image of moving-along-a-spiral-as-a-healing-journey works (as we go round and round, we may re-encounter the same issues, but hopefully we learn more and more each go-round). But I might add that even within the spiral, there are huge waves!! Second (and very connected to the first) … having a sense of self-compassion is equally important. Not only understanding the reality of non-linear healing, but also truly being able to comfort ourselves when we get hurt by the intensity of the crashing waves. And third (again equally as important/connected to the previous two) … having people in our life to buoy us when our self-compassion, our self-care methods, and our rational brains fail (ie our inner critics and fearful parts takeover!). Esp as an SLP – being able to provide a sense of safety and support/compassion/patience in your therapeutic environment is CRITICAL. My experience with SLPs as a young person (in the 80s and 90s) was mostly just anxious, followed by a sense of failure when I inevitably didn’t execute a fluency technique successfully. Having a speech therapist understand the mental/emotional component of all of this is so key. And by you even being on this website, and commenting on my post the way you did, feels like you’re already in that zone!!! So congrats on that!! PWS are grateful for your care ;o).
Hi Kimberly,
Thank you for sharing your journey as a person who stutters. Your openness to share your experience with therapy and personal growth is inspiring. You shared about the covert ‘shade’ and feelings of shame that you have lived with. Is there any advice you would share with young people who are experiencing a similar feeling of shame about how they stutter?
Thank you for watching and listening Leanna!! One of my dearest beloveds (who does not stutter, but who deeply understands psyches) calls her own dark place/state “the shame hole” ;o). It’s icky and scary in our shame hole, and the weight of it is so heavy … but also somehow comforting? Maybe because it’s so secret and internally boundaried … and like, it’s authentically ours. Pain forged from the crucible of our own life, so to speak, viscerally experienced and buried in a protected place away from the light of day. Shame is a hard-won coping strategy!! And our nervous systems work very hard to maintain it (until maybe they can’t anymore, like mine seems to be telling me).
One thing I have learned over the years of healing from trauma … is that when I share my shame with others in a safe space, I’m very often met with similar vulnerability – and wowowow most of us carry SO MANY of the same feelings/ideas that we’re ashamed of, no matter the different life contexts and challenges!!! Like it is SO HUMAN and SO COMMON to feel afraid of rejection or abandonment, to feel like we’re broken or unlovable or don’t deserve love, that we lack value or worth. And because our shame is so isolating – whether it’s stuttering or some other shame – realizing that others also feel this way is so so so connective. It’s the airing out, together!!, of the shame hole that releases the potency, the extra weight, of it. Maybe it doesn’t take the pain away. But it can feel much less heavy to carry.
So I guess my advice for young people experiencing shame might be … most importantly – KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE. AND YOU ARE NOT WEIRD. SHAME IS NOT WEIRD. SHAME IS A NORMAL EXPERIENCE. ALL OF US EXPERIENCE IT. Whether your shame feels like being broken, too sad, too dark, too strange, taboo, “dirty”, or just TOO MUCH. All of it is okay. All – of – it.
Also – find a safe, trusted person or community where you’re able to let your guard down (a therapist, select blood family, “chosen family” friends, a support group tailored to your trauma, etc). Shame thrives in isolation. AND AND AND – specifically with stuttering – I feel like being part of a community can be transformative. It was joining my local National Stuttering Association (NSA) chapter that really jump-started my journey. I had avoided looking for a support group for years – because I was so afraid of witnessing myself. I had already rejected myself internally, so I couldn’t bear to 1) have others possibly reject me again, and 2) see my shame on display (with other PWS) and reflected back to me. That felt wildly painful to think about. It took every ounce of me to summon the courage to seek out a group. But in fact – it is PRECISELY having my stutter be seen, witnessed, and accepted by other stutterers that has allowed my shame to even think of come out of hiding. I never imagined that could happen. So please please find an organization (like ISAD! or NSA or Friends Who Stutter or whatever is regional to their location) and connect with other people who stutter. So you can know what true safety in stuttering feels like.
“Trying to see myself in the fullest expression of myself, which includes a stutter…” How beautiful that you are embracing vulnerability and finding your voice in the process! I enjoyed your video very much. Thank you for sharing!
Ana this is so sweet, thank you for engaging and enjoying!
Hi Kimberly! Thank you for your vulnerability sharing about the 3 shades of your stuttering. Your 2nd shade “I am too tired. I don’t care anymore.” is a very real feeling that I think extends to communities beyond stuttering as well. I would love to learn more about how to overcome this feeling. What advice would you give someone feeling this same way?
@mbw I somehow love that you connected with my 2nd shade … it’s the one that feels the most unclear to me, I don’t quite have the words yet to describe it. It feels complex. And I absolutely agree that the feeling extends to other communities … I would actually love to hear more of your thoughts on this!?
My response to Yasmin’s question above (about how to deal with the ebb-flow / push-pull of self-acceptance vs avoidance) kind of addresses it. But the honest answer to overcoming this feeling is truly, “I don’t know.” I feel like it’s related to (tho not entirely comprising) emotional regulation and patterns of nervous system “overwhelm”? Which – for people who stutter, or people with other disabilities/life challenges, or ok possibly most everyone existing right now ;o) – can be really difficult to manage. And so – a first cut – any which way you can emotionally regulate (as I said above with verbal processing, medication, physical movement, also taking a nap, listening to music, reading a good book to get lost in, meditation, or emoting with a good cry or a good scream) can help shift the energy.
Related tho … I want to reiterate what I said above to Yasmin about self-compassion. I 1000% feel like this is a required Life skill. And one that we severely lack collectively – at least in the United States. Even if we’re taught how to self-soothe/regulate, we often have cultural or societal norms + beliefs that tell us self-compassion isn’t the way. The way is to work harder, reject/deny our painful feelings, push through, just let it go, forgive-and-forget, don’t focus on self. And there’s certainly a time for pulling oneself “up by your bootstraps” and not dwelling. But – my personal experience of real self-compassion feels like “Mothering” myself … deep empathy, a full self-embrace, deeply loving and unconditional acceptance of my shame, my flaws, my troubles. And it can be very. very. hard. to. do. It might be the hardest skill I’ve ever had to learn thus far, maybe because it requires one to actually sit with and feel the painful feelings! AND SO – applying this to your question – when I’m able to truly sit with the feeling of “I’m too tired, I don’t care anymore”, that makes me want to say to that feeling “Ooooooh yes dear one, I hear you and I see you. You have a lot going on right now, actually you’ve had a lot going on your whole life! I can feel how hard you’re working, and it’s deeply exhausting. Let me hold you, my arms are a quiet place to surrender your exhaustion. You don’t need to do or be anything more than who you are in this moment.” It sounds so simple right? Almost cliché, insultingly boringly obvious. But man … to give that kind of tender care, to hold that level of empathetic loving space – especially to a self that maybe believes it doesn’t deserve it, hasn’t earned it, shouldn’t take it, etc – is truly radical. I mean, it’s hard enough to provide this to others we love, let alone ourselves!!! This skill feels like the harder but more thorough answer to your question. Woof hope you can glean something from my rant!!! Thank you so much for your insightful asking!!
OMG, this is so beautiful. Being able to mother ourselves but more importantly being willing to do it. YES!
Self care is often the step child of other methods that can achieve same or better results, but have the hefty price tag. I don’t think enough people realize that taking time for ourselves is really an investment of our precious resources (our self) that will then last so much longer.
Thank you for your introspection.
Pam
Don’t you know it, Pam!! These concepts like “reparenting” and “self-care” might be trendy on the socials … but phewww, it’s some of the most profound, painful, and ultimately rewarding work. Such a worthy investment. Thank you for reading my epic journal-entry replies on this page 🤣🫠😭🙏🏽🥴
What an amazing journey you’ve been on, and still are. And not only sharing it, but on video! I’ve videotaped myself many times, but never had the courage to watch as, as I know I’m ny worst critic. Isn’t that weird, knowing our worth after having found our voices, and still having that little voice we can’t shake off, telling us we’re not good enough? I finally decided to have a tattoo saying Good Enough, in the inside if my arm, so that I see it every day. It’s not for others. It’s for me. I keep preaching to young people who stutter to be their own best friend, and yet it’s so hard to do so. But the more we lift up each other, the more we are with our Stamily, the more we actually believe it when people tell us we’re good enough, maybe it’ll find roots.
I love, love, love your paper, and I didn’t even stutter when writing. 😉 So keep talking, keep sharing and keep making videos, as you made my day.
Anita
Anita thank you so much!!!! And yes to being your own best friend !! Ugh. There was something about submitting a video that felt bold, which felt like something I needed to do – and yet at the same time, it’s so tender for me to watch it again. It’s almost too painful. But there’s still another part of me that is proud that I went bold 🤣🫠🙏🏽. Thank you for the affirmation and the solidarity!! Stutter on and keep loving yourself fully ;0)
Kimberly! Thank you for sharing this insightful and honest video with us. Every time I hear you speak, I’m in awe of your ability to articulate your thoughts and feelings so beautifully <3
@Hcardinal wowow I’m not sure if you’ve heard me speak before (are you a local friend in hiding??), but thank you hugely for the support!! It means the world xoxo