About the Author: Pamela Mertz is an active member of the global stuttering community. She started a blog about making room for stuttering in 2009 and began a podcast exclusively for women who stutter in 2010. She works part-time for the USA National Stuttering Association (NSA), and co-facilitates a monthly online support group for women who stutter. She is also actively involved in the NSA’s “We Stutter at Work” program, which she envisioned in 2016. Pam was inducted into the NSA Hall of Fame in 2022.

PONDERING

I often wondered when I hesitated before I spoke if it looked like I was pondering what I’d say. Pondering makes you look like a deep thinker. Maybe people would be excited with what I had to say because it appeared that I had pondered a bit before saying it. 

Deep thinkers had important stuff to say, right? And perhaps it would be more meaningfully received if it appeared well thought out beforehand.

SEARCHING

I liked to think I was searching for the exact right words before I said them, so that I would look smart and relevant and worthy of being heard.

I wasn’t searching for the perfect words. I was searching for the ones I thought I could say perfectly, without pausing or stumbling.

AVOIDING

I knew I was a master at avoidance by the ripe old age of 6. Hurtful, angry words hurled at me as a reaction to my less than perfect 5 year old speech seeped into my bones so much that it hurt. I didn’t want that to happen. Ever. Again. 

But I couldn’t figure out how to prevent that from happening if my speech failed to meet someone else’s expectation. So I did the only thing I could think of to avoid being yelled at, laughed at, or worse, excluded.

I avoided speaking. I stopped talking. 

ANALYZING

I took a research methods analysis course in college and absolutely hated it. It seemed to take way too much time to study every single facet of what would be eventually presented, either written or  spoken.

It never really occurred to me that I was already an expert analyst because I was always studying and scanning ahead for words that might trip me up at some point. Analysis helped me have a ready stock of available synonyms for words I might struggle to say. 

As a kid, I would often say “Affirmative”, instead of a simple “Yes,” because that four syllable word came out smoother than that one syllable word. Imagine that super smart kid with such a vocabulary.

PRETENDING

When I avoided speaking to protect myself, I pretended like it didn’t matter. I let people think I was perfectly fine with being shy, quiet or nervous. I wasn’t any of those things but pretending somehow made it easier. I don’t think anyone ever really cared.

PARALYZING

When I made conscious decisions to avoid speaking situations and pretend like it didn’t bother me, I quickly learned about something little kids shouldn’t know about yet. Shame.

The very thoughts of being exposed and embarrassed paralyzed me with fear and shame. I just knew that if the way I spoke somehow defined me, I’d be doomed to a lonely life. Maybe one not even worth living.

UPENDING

When I reached a point where I couldn’t take it anymore, something really weird happened. I stopped caring what others thought and started caring what I thought. 

I yearned for authenticity. I craved being heard. I looked for the way. 

FITTING

The way found me. When I was fired from a long time job because someone else deemed there was something wrong with me, I woke up. I found others who sounded like me. And funny thing, they welcomed me. I fit. After years of feeling like I didn’t fit anywhere, I found that I did fit with other people who spoke with hesitations, pauses, stumbles and bumps. Like me, sometimes.

LIVING

I went through so many shades of experiences with my stuttering. When I got my first pair of eyeglasses, I remember putting a little gold “P” on the lens. It was the trend then. That didn’t last long, as soon, I got new prescription eyewear almost every year. 

I looked for all kinds of different frames – trendy, cute, colorful, big ones, small ones, rimless ones and endless shapes. I tried them all. And then I got sick of that (it was getting expensive) and had LASIK eye surgery so I didn’t have to wear glasses as much. It was freedom – I could drive without wearing glasses. I could watch TV and movies without them and wear funky sunglasses.

STUTTERING

I was living life, on my terms, doing and saying what I wanted when I wanted. All the shades of my stuttering journey taught me ONE powerful lesson. 

Stuttering is what makes me ME. 

After a lifetime of pondering, searching, analyzing, avoiding, pretending, paralyzing, upending, fitting and living, my last word is simply stuttering.

STUTTERING