 About the Author:
My name is Kory Tran and I’m a person who stutters in the Bay Area. Well I suppose I’m a person who stutters outside of the Bay Area as well. I am a writer with a background in journalism and this is my third time participating in the ISAD conference. In my free time I enjoy attempting to do improv and krav maga. I am also active in the National Stuttering Association as the leader of the San Jose chapter. |
If I had a nickel for every time someone said to me, “How come you’re stuttering more today? Just do what you did last week,” I could buy a car to run that person over.
Just kidding, of course. But it frustrates me that there is a lot of confusion about stuttering, and it can be exhausting explaining to people how stuttering can be different from person to person, from one day to the next.
There is a phenomenon I often have to explain about the way I stutter. Sometimes I would have stretches of time where I would be more fluent. I could speak more quickly, blurt things out more spontaneously, and crack jokes without worrying about blocking on the punchline. I can’t explain why this phenomenon occurs, or when. If I could, I would no doubt try to replicate the conditions to have it occur more often.
During this fleeting period, which could last up to several weeks, I notice I would be more talkative and therefore more social, and it would offer me a glimpse into what my life could’ve been like if I had grown up without a stutter. I tie so much of my identity to how I speak. In an alternative universe, would a fluent version of myself have been more sociable and popular growing up? Would I have been more successful in my career? Would I have aced my improv audition? Would I have been approached randomly by someone saying, “Oh my God, you’re amazing, I’m from Marvel, will you come help us with the next X-Men movie”? OK, that last one might have been asking for too much.
And then just when it seems I could get used to this daydreaming, the blocks come back with a vengeance and I return to my usual experience as a person who stutters. I use the term “usual” very loosely, as there is really no usual way to be a person who stutters. Many of us who stutter often say that growing up, we didn’t know anyone else who stuttered. But that may simply be because we hadn’t met someone who stuttered exactly like us.
I would describe myself as generally having a moderate stutter. For every couple of sentences, I would repeat some of the sounds or probably have a block. Then again, “moderate” can mean different things to people who stutter. After joining the National Stuttering Association and meeting countless people who stutter over the years, I’ve seen how people can stutter on such a wide spectrum. There are, hyperbolically, a million ways to stutter. Some may stutter by repeating sounds. Some may stutter by having extended blocks. Some may stutter more on words that start with “L” or “S.” Some may stutter after every other word. Some may stutter in a way that it may not be noticeable at all—covertly. I admit I used to be jealous of this latter group. To me, it would be a dream to seemingly “turn off” one’s stutter at will. I’d compare these covert people to the members of the X-Men who were conventionally attractive and whose powers were really cool but they still claimed they were being discriminated against by society. But I realize now it’s a lot more complicated than that. And there’s a lot I may not understand about other people who stutter, nor would they about me. Putting one person who stutters against another does not help any of us. We’re all in the same boat, even if we may be in different parts of the boat. OK, I am not the best at metaphors.
And then, of course, like I said earlier, we can have days where we can stutter so differently from how we’re used to, which brings me back to my statement in the open paragraph. I joined Toastmasters years ago, an organization where we would practice public speaking. Every once in a while, I would give a speech on the topic of stuttering, to kind of break the ice with members who were new and might have questions about my stutter. And every once in a while, I would receive a note, either verbally or in written form, saying something like “Oh but you didn’t really stutter much today” or “you stuttered more today, why don’t you just do what you did last week?” This used to leave me fuming. Now I get mildly annoyed and understand it means some people just haven’t been exposed enough to people who stutter.
My own journey as a person who stutters hasn’t been easy nor does it feel close to complete. I’ve learned to accept more things about my stutter. It is no longer this thing that makes me so different from everyone else. Like I said, growing up, I thought that I was the only person in my school or family tree who stuttered, but maybe that was because I was looking for someone who sounded just like me. Now, my ears perk up as I regularly recognize people who stutter in various ways at the coffee shop, at the gym, at a comic convention, like how members of the X-Men have a sense for their own kind. (I had to include a third reference whether it makes sense or not.) And as someone who is still figuring things out, I may not be able to control my stutter. But increasingly, my stutter does not control me either. OK, this might not be a bad way to end this essay.
Hello Kory
Thank you for your paper. Among other things, I like your description of your “journey” as a person who stutters.
Wishing you continued success and fulfillment on your journey.
Hanan
Thank you, Hanan
Hi Kory, thanks for sharing your story. Sorry to hear the X-Men producers haven’t recruited you yet – but this is a really thoughtful way of exploring the variability of stuttering. As your relationship with stuttering has changed over the years, I wanted to ask, what has helped the most in that process?
Hi Zeb, one thing I didn’t really mention much in this essay was that just putting myself out there, doing activities like public speaking and improv, really helped me. Joining Toastmasters was the first major domino that led me to getting over my fear of stuttering in public…it made me realize people still wanted to listen to me even though I stutter.
Enjoyed reading your article, Kory, and am glad you mentioned a couple of your “hows” (public speaking and improv) in the strides you have made so far. We all benefit from it. If someone who stutters were to read your mention of improv and wondered if they should try it, what would you say to them?
Hi Kory,
I really enjoyed reading about your story and appreciate you providing others with insight on your stuttering journey. I am in graduate school working towards becoming a speech language pathologist and this semester I am working with a client who stutters. As you stated in your story, you have learned to be more accepting of your stutter. How has your relationship changed over the years with your stutter and what influenced you most to become more accepting of your stutter? In your story, I really liked how you stated that there is no “usual” way to stutter. Many individuals often believe that stuttering looks like one specific thing, but in reality, stuttering looks different for everyone. This is crucial to keep in mind. Overall, I really enjoyed reading about your stuttering journey. I feel that the ending of your essay was very powerful. Stuttering is part of your life, but it does not control who you are.
Interestingly enough, when I was a little kid, I was not self-conscious about my stutter at all. It wasn’t until I was pulled out of class to attend speech therapy that I felt, “Oh is there something wrong with me?” It wasn’t really until college that I had those really bad days where I went home wishing I didn’t stutter, mostly because people were thinking I was unintelligent. But gradually, just being more social and joining activities and organizations really helped me accept my stutter because I realized my stutter was only part of who I am.
Hi Kory,
What a great reflection. Yes, there’s a million ways to stutter and people who don’t stutter really don’t get that, huh?
I love your use of metaphors to illustrate your experiences.
I’m also really happy to learn that you’re involved with Toastmasters. I joined TM at around the same time I began to get active with the NSA. I earned my DTM while in a club where I was the only person who stutters and it felt so good.
Is there anything you find particularly challenging with Toastmasters? I remember having to explain that my “run up words and occasional Ah” were part of my stuttering and for the “Ah Counter” to please try and understand that!
Keep with it – keep breaking barriers- and keep stuttering so we can help the world better understand this thing called stuttering.
Pam
Pam, I’m so glad to hear about you getting your DTM! It’s kind of funny, I joined Toastmasters because a friend who stutters had joined that club and it made me feel “safe” that I wouldn’t be the only one. But shortly after I joined, he quit, and I decided it’s now or never, I have to be brave and go on my own journey and I’m glad I did. It made me realize that my voice was still worth listening to, because for a while before Toastmasters I was so self-conscious about speaking with a stutter in front of a room, I felt like it was the worst thing, and now I love speaking in front of a crowd.
I really enjoyed reading your article, Kory. It made me smile many times because you put into words what many people who stutter think. I’m taking away a lot of insights from your article to reflect on this week! Thank you!
Alexandra, from Bolivia!
Hi Kory! I enjoyed your post so much, thank you for sharing your experience with stuttering. I totally understand the feeling of thinking “wow if only I could speak the way I wanted to”. As someone who has ADHD, I feel this same anxiety of “if only I could read as fast as every one else or I wish I didn’t speak too much”. I possess some disfluent-like speech as well; often, I find myself completing revisions because of the tension that builds within my body. Something that stuck out to me was your statement “we’re all in the same boat, but were in different parts of the boat”. WOW! THIS IS SO TRUE! THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL SEEN! I have one question: what are some strategies that you find benefit you and do you ever have trouble writing?
I could relate to the irritation when being asked “why you stutter more today”, especially when it was my husband who asked that. A speech therapist once told me not to look for the reason(s), otherwise I would be more stressed out. I am wondering if fellow PWSs have suggestions on how to reply politely without making ourselves feel bad.
Hi Kory. Thank you for sharing your experience with stuttering. I am in speech language pathology graduate school and am currently taking a course in fluency. I was struck by your explanation of the feelings and thoughts, of what might have been, that come up during your periods of fluency. How do you move through those feelings? Lastly, I’m interested to hear what you would want SLPs to know about these fluctuations in fluency?