About the Author: My name is Phyllis Edwards, I am an early childhood teacher,  I  live in New Zealand, with my lovely supportive husband , and we have two grown up sons , who have always accepted their Mum just for who she is .Thank you for giving up the opportunity to write these papers. I love the topics you choose for us to write about. Below my paper is an interview with me and Steff Lebsack, giving some backgrounds to my story.

As an eight-year-old girl the first time Phyllis remembered having a bad moment and feeling sad, was when she had run down to the back paddock and called out “Hello, who wants to come for a walk to the park with me”. Then Phyllis heard her mum say “Sorry, me and the team are busy digging holes for when we plant your dad’s daffodil bulbs next week. Phyllis said “I can dig good holes”. Phyllis’s Mum called back “No, you go to the park, but be back in time for lunch”. 

Phyllis kept her sad feet moving until she got to the park, where she could hear lots of happy noises. Looking around, Phyllis saw some children happily taking turns on the swings. Phyllis thought oh that looks like fun, I might ask for a turn. She walked over, and said, “Can I have a turn please?”  The girl said “SORRY NO ROOM TODAY”.  

Phyllis nodded and began her slow and lonely walk home. Then Phyllis saw something sitting on the trunk of the old oak tree. Running over to have a look, she picked up some cardboard and chalk, and walking round to the back of the tree, she sat down and began to roll the chalk over the cardboard. When there was no room left on one side of the cardboard, Phyllis felt a bit happier. So, she put the chalk and cardboard back where she had found it, hoping it would help another child who might come along feeling a bit sad. They might find the chalk and cardboard, and feel happier. 

Walking home, Phyllis had one of her, ’It might help me next time’ plans pop into her head. She began to walk faster; she wanted to get home and start working on her plan. She was going to find some chalk, hide it in a tin, and put the tin in the pepper tree that she sometimes sat in, when she was feeling lonely.

Yes, thought Phyllis, that will help me when I go to school. I will make sure I have chalk in my pocket. Then at play time, when no one has time to play with me, I can sit on the concrete, and draw. 

Another strong burst of sunshine that came into Phyllis’s life several years ago was Raewyn. They met when Phyllis was helping Raewyn at a crèche. When Phyllis moved to a different town, Raewyn and Phyllis began their helpful idea of having catch up telephone chats once a fortnight.

During a recent chat, Phyllis listened with interest, as Raewyn shared about the amazing ‘Nine Cups writing’ course that she has been finding so helpful. Then Raewyn had patiently listened to Phyllis talking about how she had been spending lots of time googling, trying to find a writing course, where she could begin to write her memoir.

Two weeks later at their next chat, Raewyn asked if she organized a scholarship for Phyllis with ‘Nine Cups Writing’. Would Phyllis be interested? Phyllis said “Thank you, that’s so kind and exciting, I would love that opportunity.” Soon after Raewyn spoke to Phyllis, Mellissa, Phyllis’s new tutor, contacted her and now Phyllis was happily learning lots of tips, which she could see were helping her writing technique already. 

At their next chat, Raewyn asked Phyllis how her writing course was going. Phyllis said she loved it and was learning so much, and that she had been looking forward to their catch-up chat today, because Phyllis was eager to share with Raewyn what she had learnt yesterday.

Phyllis said, at their last zoom meeting their tutor had invited them to take part in an activity where they would write a memory about themselves, but they were to write it as though another person was writing about them.

Phyllis said yesterday as she had been reading back the memory she had written for the activity. She felt such a sense of relief and joy, when she realized that she could now see the memory, as a gentle memory and less hurtful than it had felt like when she was eight years old.

Raewyn said “Phyllis, I am so happy for you; I know it would have hurt at the time, but I am so pleased you are getting so much out of this course, you deserve it”. Phyllis said “Thank you Raewyn, it wouldn’t have happened without the belief you showed in me by giving me this opportunity”. 

Then Raewyn asked Phyllis how her projects were going. Phyllis said they had been going OK. She said she had been trying to stick to her plan, of working on her memoir for an hour in the mornings and working on her online paper for an hour at night. Then Phyllis said that this week, she had been having trouble, ignoring the nagging little feelings in her tummy, that maybe she was spending more time on writing her memoir than on her online paper.

Raewyn listened patiently, then she said “Phyllis, that’s OK, we all get distracted sometimes. I know you will get it done on time”. I know how much pleasure you get from writing your online papers”. Phyllis had shared with Raewyn how pleased she had been when Pamela Mertz, who runs a very welcoming podcast group for women, had read one of Phyllis’ papers online, and she had invited Phyllis to speak at one of Pamela’s podcast interviews. Phyllis had found this an empowering experience. 

After saying thank you and goodbye to Raewyn, Phyllis rushed off to check her calendar, and sure enough, she only had two weeks left to write her paper. Wanting to get back to her work, she sat down and began to think about which experience she was going to share next, when two memories came back. The first memory had happened when Phyllis had seen online where STAMMA was organizing a conference in Cardiff, Wales. Phyllis had yelled out to her lovely husband “Can we go?” and his answer was “Yes of course, Phyllis”. 

So, in a conference hall in Cardiff, Wales, Phyllis was listening to some brave and inspiring people, who had accepted an invitation to speak on the open mic. She heard the open mic hostess say “We have time for one more speaker, who would like to have the last turn”. Phyllis tried to put her hand up, but it felt like her hand just didn’t want to listen. Then she saw another hand being waved in the air, she knew had waited too long,

Phyllis came home to New Zealand feeling sad that she had let herself down. So, she messaged Anita Blom, and told her what had happened. Phyllis said “What do I do now” and Anita said, “Start carrying it forward, Phyllis”. Those wise words were life-changing for Phyllis.

Then the second memory came to Phyllis. She remembered sitting at the World Congress in Iceland, listening to more brave, inspiring people, who had chosen to speak on the open mic. Then Phyllis heard the lady say “Thank you all you amazing people for sharing your stories”. ‘Phyllis thought the session had ended, then she heard the lady say, “We have time for one more person to speak, who would like  to come up to the front”.

Hearing these words, Phyllis knew there was no way she was going to let worrying about her stammer stop her this time. She jumped up, waved her hands wildly in the air, and shouted “My turn!” Then she heard the lady say “Yes, come up to the front, you can have a turn”. Pushing her wobbly legs to the front, she reached out and grabbed hold of the microphone that the lady was trying to give to her. Then Phyllis stood there with her mouth wide open, but she couldn’t hear any words coming out. She kept wondering what to do now. 

Then suddenly she felt lots of warm encouraging feelings from the people in the room. At the same time, she remembered how supportive and encouraging her friends and family had always been. Whenever she used to say to them “Oh you know what, I just saw it on the W.S.N. page, where they are asking for people to take part in a STUTTER-fest event. It looks like something I might be able to do. I suppose I could write something and read it out, but I don’t know”. Her ever-supportive encouraging family, and friends, would say “Oh go on, you can do this”. 

So, Phyllis, with churning butterflies in her stomach began to take part, knowing what a safe and understanding environment she was going into. And when she had done it, she came away, feeling proud and pleased. Thinking about all these memories gave Phyllis the extra push she needed, and she managed to open her mouth and say ’’Hello, my name is Phyllis, I come from New Zealand, thank you for giving me a turn.’’  

When Phyllis was emotionally telling her husband what she had done, he said he was so proud of her, and the boys would be too. Phyllis said “Thank you, but you know what, I saw people standing up, and I heard these loud thunder noises”. He smiled and said “That sounds like a standing ovation, well done”.

Phyllis still feels so appreciative of how what could have turned into a shady moment, turned into one of her sunniest moments.

Since that day in Iceland Phyllis just wants to  keep encouraging people, that if they happen to find themselves, in what feels like a bit of a shady moment, but in their hearts they are truly bursting to step out and share their stories, to grab the opportunity with both hands, and don’t look back.

Phyllis noticed when she was relieving at Levin Montessori the excellent oral language and social skills that she could see children using in group play, she asked their supportive supervisor whaea* Ash if she could please bring her Dillis Duck puppet, who doesn’t quack but has an amazing squeak and a very kind heart, in for a visit. Whaea Ash said, “Yes thank you that would be lovely”.

Then Phyllis asked whaea Courtney if she would mind if Phyllis and her puppet Dillis duck could come for a quick visit, next time whaea Courtney, was on mat time. Whaea, Courtney said “Yes please, I like that idea”. So, Phyllis and Dillis Duck went for a mat time visit. Whaea Courtney introduced Dillis duck to the children.  Phyllis told the children a story about one of Dillis Duck’s kind adventures.

Later in the week, Phyllis noticed the teachers and the children were enjoying making crafts for daffodil day. She asked whaea Courtney if she and Dillis Duck would be able to share whaea Courtney’s mat time on Daffodil day, so that the children could give their teachers a little teacher appreciation daffodil day treat.  Whaea Courtney said, “Yes thank you, whaea Phyllis, we would love that”. So last Friday we all gathered on the mat for our daffodil day mat-time. Thank you, whaea Hannah, for helping us. 

We had such a fun, kind, caring time. It was so good to see everybody joining in. And to see how proud the children looked when they took their little appreciation treat up to their kind teachers. Whaea Courtney gave whaea Phyllis another sunny moment by inviting her to stay and read a story to the children.

Later, Phyllis asked whaea Courtney, if she had planned to invite her to read a story today. Whaea Courtney’s answer was “No, it wasn’t planned, but it seemed to fit with the moment”. Phyllis understood exactly what she meant, the whole mat time had been full of magical learning moments.

Shady moments happen, but thank you for leading us to have sunny moments, with our loving families, loyal friends, our mentors, and our diverse stammering community, and friends. 

(*Whaea means “mother” or “aunt” in the Māori language / editors note )