All my life I have tried to hide my stutter, and I have been doing it quite well. Every time I was on a stage, talking about one of my books or interviewing another author, I got nervous. But I always thought that was how it was supposed to be – everyone gets the shakes and sweats when they are going to talk to a room full of people.
But last year, on a stage in Oslo, I passed out. The words got stuck in my mouth, I lost control of the situation, and everything went black. When I came to myself, backstage in a chair, the first thought going through my head was: Did I stutter?
The week after I suffered an anxiety attack, and slowly I started to tell myself: I can no longer continue living this way. I stutter, there is no use in hiding it anymore.
This may sound like an easy thing to grasp. And I would have liked to tell you that it all went well. But still I have trouble admitting to other people that I stutter, and still I have trouble letting myself stutter.
In August a book I wrote, called “The Art of Stuttering – Without Anyone Noticing”, was published in Norway. Oh my, did I have trouble sleeping when the news broke that I had written this book. It felt as if I betrayed everything I had been doing my whole life – mastering my craft in talking like a normal person. Now, for the first time in my life, I was going to talk the way I have always tried not to talk.
To my surprise it does not come easy. Every time the words get stuck, my whole body reacts: I jerk my head, tighten my chest, close my eyes, and instead of letting the stutter just happen, I press on till the words come out. But sometimes, like last week, when I was presenting my book in front of an audience of booksellers, I managed to let everything go. I did stutter, more than I have on a stage for many years, and to my surprise, it was a good experience. My body relaxed, and I managed to talk without thinking about changing out the words or editing my own speech. It felt as a big victory.
Now I must tell you that we do not talk much about stuttering here in Norway. In fact, there exists almost no books about stuttering and the public knows little about what stuttering means for those of us who stutter. This became obvious when one of the big newspapers in Norway made fun of both me and my book. The critic wrote that I did not stutter enough to write or talk about stuttering.
The article kept me awake at night, because at first I thought it was correct: I did not stutter enough to write or talk about it. But then again, if I was not allowed to talk about the way I stutter, what should I then do? Keep shutting up about it? Keep passing out on stage? And what about other people who have a covert stutter, should they too shut up?
I did in fact write an essay that the same newspaper printed the following week, where I defended my right to stutter just the way I stutter. It may sound like a strange thing to argue about. But it might serve as an example on why we never must stop talking about stuttering. All my life I have tried to hide my stutter, and now, when I finally managed to talk about it, I got told I should keep quiet. With all my heart I do believe that everyone who stutters is different. This is not just the case when we talk about open and covert stuttering, it is also the case when we try to tell our story about our stutter. Before I dared to talk about, and seek help for, my stutter, I could not stand to see or hear other people who stuttered. If I saw someone, I left the room. If I heard someone, I turned off the radio or television. When a colleague in the newspaper where I worked showed me John Hendrickson’s interview with Joe Biden, published in The Atlantic, I excused myself and hid in the toilet.
Now everything is different. When I now meet someone else who stutters , it is as if I have met an old friend, someone who understands who I am. I know this is not how it really is, but it is how I feel, and it is a beautiful feeling. It is a feeling of belonging, of being a part of something I am no longer ashamed of.
It took me forty years to admit to myself that I stutter. It will probably take the rest of my life to learn to live with the art of stuttering, and I will probably have days where I hate every ounce of my stutter. And I will probably still have to read about critics who make fun of the way I talk and stutter. But I cannot give up, I cannot go back to hiding it. If I did, I would probably end up exhausted, sick, and mentally broke. Instead I have to talk the way I have never dared to talk: I have to stutter.
Lars,
Thank you for sharing your story. I am not a person who stutters, but a speech pathology student. I think you are very brave for feeling able to share your stutter and to talk about it with others. I am interested to know more about covert stuttering. If you don’t mind sharing, why did you covertly stutter for so long? How did people react that you had known for a long time and didn’t know you had a stutter? How did you handle the negative feedback?
Hi,
thanks for the response, and I have to admit: I am not sure. It probably has something to do with shame, and something with how the body responds to stuttering. It is not a pleasant experience to stutter. Maybe a combination of these two reasons, combined with the fact that here in Norway I grew up with very few examples of stuttering and of other people who stuttered.
When friends (family knew) got to know, they all were very nice. A combination of being interested and of being surprised, I think.
I am not sure how I handled the negative feedback. I did engage in a public dispute, but it kept me up at night and very ashamed. It was as if I should just have kept my mouth shut, and I still struggle with this feeling: That I should not stutter.
Hi Lars-Petter,
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I think your story is very inspiring, and it’s unfortunate that people make uninformed assumptions about other’s experiences. I cannot begin to imagine the sense of relief you must feel, being honest with yourself and others about your covert stuttering. How old were you when you discovered you had a stutter? Did you ever attend speech therapy? If not, how did you master the skill of hiding your stutter? Again, thanks for sharing.
Hi,
and thanks for the response! I cannot remember when I started, it must have been when I was very little, in my recollection I have always stuttered. I have twice attented speech therapy, and I am attending a speech therapist now. He is helping me a lot. But the skill of hiding my stutter is something I have taught myself through the years – it started when I was a little boy. My whole life, up until now, I have taught myself: Whatever you do, do no stutter. So I learned when to keep my mouth shut. I learned how to change sentences and words (words I would stutter upon have always blinked red in my head), and I have ofte been talking in a manner that have been hard to understand. So maybe not a skill I would recommend, as it also have exhausted me.
Hi Lars-Petter! Thanks for sharing your powerful story! I’m sorry to hear about the assumptions given to you about your stutter. I can see how much it affected you, and I applaud you for defending your right to stutter. You demonstrate great strength and courage. Overall, I loved reading about your self-acceptance of stuttering and your sense of belonging with other PWS. What was the moment(s) that lead you to accept your stutter after all the years? How did you manage your emotions when faced with hardships over the past years before accepting you have a stutter?
Hi,
and thanks for that comment! The moment? Hm, there were a lot of moments, but one moment was when I passed out on a stage in front of a room full of people. And the panic attack that followed. And the realisation that I have three children, parents, and two brothers, all whom I had never talked with about my and their stuttering. I was also lucky, my doctor called me out and said I should do something about my stuttering. And my wife supported me. So it was several different things, I guess.
I did not manage my emotions. I kept them shut down. And when I had to manage them, when things became too much, I still did not understand or accept that my stuttering was a big part of it. I made a lot of control mechanisms to keep myself and my stuttering under control. Sometimes it drove me mad, sometimes it passed by, sometimes I became sick. And at last I passed out. But, and this is important to me, I still have problems with managing my emotions about my stuttering. But I am working on it.
Hi Lars,
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I had this same experience many years ago, when attending my first ever stuttering support while still being 90% covert.
After the meeting, which just introduced myself and added why I was there, a woman came up to me, and said “you don’t belong here. This is for stutterers. You don’t stutter.” I was stunned, shocked and hurt – but managed to say something like not all stuttering can be heard. She huffed and turned away.
She made me feel like I didn’t stutter enough, which left me feeling caught between worlds.Not openly stuttering enough for the stuttering community, but not fluent enough for the world. I felt like I was in limbo.
I skipped the meeting 2 times, and then came back, and she wasn’t there, and I never saw her again.Maybe she saw how uncomfortable she made me, or maybe someone overheard and told her so.
That was a very eye opening experience, which helped me understand there is bias and stigma even in our own stuttering community.
Have you had a similar blatant experience like this?
Pam
Hi Pamela,
thank you for sharing your story, and I must say that I had never before heard about this way of being angry at those who have a covert stutter, not until I got this reaction in the Norwegian newspaper (a highly respected and well thought of newspaper). And your story seems to hightlight that this is maybe not so unusual. Maybe it is something that can be talked more openly about, the difference between open and covert stuttering? There is a significant difference between being able to hide my stuttering and pass as a fluent, and not being able to talk without an open stutter. But still, should not everyone who stutter have a right to talk about their stuttering?
Hi Lars-Petter,
Thank you for sharing your story. I am not a person who stutters, but a student who wants to learn more about PWS. Did you feel as though people treated you differently once they found out about your stutter? Also, why do you think people react so negatively to stuttering?
Thank you again for sharing your experience!
Hi,
and thanks for the comment. I am not sure if people treat me different now, but I do feel that everyone is trying to notice how I speak and where I stutter in every sentence. But this might as well be just me and my newfound paranoia. No one has come up to me and said that I should not stutter or that I should talk about it (well, beside from that newspaper..). But I do get a lot of comments like “I think you talk so well” and “I have never heard you stutter, so that cannot be that big a problem?”. And I am not sure how I feel about that.
Hi Lars!
Thank you for sharing your story! I am a graduate student in a speech-language pathology program. I was really surprised to read about how taboo stuttering is viewed Norway. I cannot fathom the mental anguish that is caused by feeling that it is necessary to hide something about yourself from everyone around you. I was also astounded at the reaction that was given to your book by the newspaper columnist. I find it incredibly abhorrent that someone would feel entitled to share such an opinion concerning your truth that was shared. Thank you for sharing this with us. I hope that through the upcoming years, great changes can be made in the way people view PWS and hopefully a more accepting view can be fostered.
Lars-Petter,
I don’t know what went through that person’s mind to try to criticize you for the way you stutter, but I am incredibly glad you stood up for yourself! I’m so happy for you finding some peace in yourself no matter the duration it took to get there. There is no cookie cutter way a person stutters. People need to realize that. More so, there needs to be a global understanding and acceptance of stuttering. The way you talk is not a problem, it isn’t your problem, and it isn’t for anyone else to make a problem. It just is. Thank you for informing us of how little stuttering is talked about in Norway. If you feel comfortable answering, were you able to have resources to help you get through your emotions or did you take everything on by yourself?
Kindly,
Dominique
Hi Dominique,
thank you for the comment! I did get help from the Norwegian association for stuttering and cluttering (NIFS), and others who stutter. I also got help from my publishers here in Norway and from other authors who texted me. The first days were tough, but it really helped that all these people contacted me and supported me.
Hey Lars!
I’m an undergrad student studying to become an SLP and your experiences have helped me realized how important inner healing is. I wanted to comment on how normalized it is for others to dismiss people like you just because you don’t have a severe stutter. I’m sure that many individuals feel like they are caught in this gray area and I’m glad that you put yourself out there to advocate for them. I’m currently doing a project on how voluntary stuttering as a student can help me professionally and I wanted to get your point of view. How do you feel about people (who don’t stutter) pseudostuttering in public as a learning experience?
Gee Ann
Hey,
thanks for the commen, and wow! I didn`t even know that pseudostuttering was a thing. But I have heard a a discussion on the Stuttertalk-podcast, where Chris Constantino said something interesting when they were discussing wether president Joe Biden should stutter more. I am not sure how I feel about this, but I do not think that people who do not stutter should need to stutter, or that they should think they can do it. This is an interesting discussion!
Hello Lars!
I really liked how you say “the art of stuttering”, how beautiful! After reading your post, I was wondering if there is any place or setting where you previously were really covert and tried hard to hide your stutter, and now is a place where you speak freely with pride? (for example; work, or your favorite restaurant/cafe?)
Thank you!
Hi!
thanks! And yes, there are several places, for example when I am ordering beer at the pub where I watch football (or soccer as you call it in USA) with my children. And sometimes on stage, and when I am doing podcasts, if I manage to relax, then the stuttering just comes. And on the telephone, now it takes a couple of seconds for me to say my name after I have said Hello – so often i just say “Hello..”, and when I am trying to say my name, the one at the other end starts talking because I guess he or she thinks that “Hello” is all that I am going to say.
And it is strange, but I am always less exhausted when I have let myself stutter in talks – it feels like I am turning myself off.
Hey Lars!
Thank you for sharing your story! I think it is crucial to share stories such as yours to others whether they stutter or not. I believe bringing more awareness to experiences such as yours can help others see that they are not alone and someone else has been through the same thing as them. What would you recommend to someone who is having a tough time accepting that they do stutter?
Thank you again!
-Maria De La Mora
Hi Maria!
Thanks for the comment. I am not sure if I am the right one to give advice, it has taken me so long and I still struggle in my own way of accepting it. But for me it really helped to start talking about it with friends and family. And I have tried to tell myself that I should not be so serious and afraid – not so easy! But a test for me, is to ask myself: Will I laugh if someone tells a joke about stuttering that is actually funny? If the answer is no, then I should probably start to talk with my friends and family about my stuttering again.
Hi Lars,
i enjoyed reading your story.
As a result of you hiding your stutter, began to stutter how did your family and people around you react? Did they think your stutter needed to be ‘fixed’?
Hei Desiree,
and thanks for the comment! Well, when I was a child, I think my parents and everyone thought that if I just took my time, if I just did no stress too much, it would go away. My father told me this summer that he always thought I would find a solution, like him and everyone in the family did. A kind of selftreatment, where to hide your stuttering is an intergral part, I guess.
Hi Lars,
I really enjoyed reading your article. As someone who does not stutter, it is incredibly informative to hear the perspective of a PWS when a moment of stuttering is near. I read in your article you had a difficult time acknowledging your stutter and attempted to never let yourself stutter. Were you aware you had a stutter when it started happening, and did someone explain it to you? Thank you for sharing your story!
Hei Catherine,
thanks for the comment, and yes, as long I can remember I have always known that it was stuttering. Stuttering is common in my family, so I was exposed to it very early. I cannot remember wondering what it was – there has always been a knoweledge. But no one told me, I just understood. No one ever talked to me about it, not until now, when I am grown up.
Hello Lars,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I found it very intriguing and inspiring. I think it is so important that more people are aware and educated about stuttering, especially from the perspective of a person who stutters.
Do you think the way people treated you changed more negatively once you started to speak more with a stutter?
Hi,
thanks for the comment, and no, I have not experienced any negative reactions (except from the newspaper). There is indeed a lot of reactions, but most of it is curiosity, I think. But it seems to me that people know very little about stuttering, and sometimes I think maybe that they don`t look upon it as a problem if you do have a covert stuttering. It is more like: what`s the problem, and then they can just stop there. But I do believe that such a reaction can be a good starting position for me to enlighten them.
Hello Lars,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I must say my jaw dropped when I read that a newspaper made fun of you for not stuttering enough. It is inspirational that you were able to respond to that and defend your right to stutter. Other people do not get to define things about you from a snippet of your life. I hope one day people are more accepting and able to more open and understanding about stuttering.
Hej Lars-Petter
Yes, I recognize the double-edged sword. F ex when I read or record myself, I don’t stutter. Every year we have someone to make a video for this conference and I always write down what I want to say. And don’t stutter. So I was actually asked (by PWS!) to stutter this time in the announcement video. 😉 Also when I spoke to the European Parliament I was so nervous, I was fluent, so I had to do voluntary stuttering, which in fact triggers my stutter. So, either you do or you don’t, you’re screwed. 😉 Thanks for writing your book. We need more books about stuttering in Scandinavia. My book is still in my head. I would love to read yours.
Från din svenska granne
Anita
Hi Anita,
that is exactly how it is sometimes!! Damned if you do, and damned if you don`t. It is sometimes so complex, and I would love for more of us to talk about this, and I really, really hope your book one day turns into a real book! And wow, I am impressed that you have talked to the European Parliament!