Advice on connecting
Hi! My name is Sabrina and I’m a second-year graduate student studying to be a speech-language pathologist. We are currently taking a course on stuttering that has helped expand my knowledge on the stuttering community. What is some advice you could give on dating someone with a stutter, based on your own perspective? As an SLP we think a lot about how to counsel patients in a professional setting, but not necessarily what to do once we take our SLP-hat off.
Hi Sabrina,
That’s a very good question.
This hasn’t been something I’ve ever really discussed with my SLPs. I think I was too self-conscious to. But it’s definitely important to talk about as dating is a pretty significant aspect of student life.
This isn’t so much an issue these days but the worst part of dating for me was having to call whichever girl I was interested in or dating. Especially being a male, it was an unwritten rule that I had to make the first move. Of course, with texting, DMs, etc, that particular circumstance isn’t as daunting as it was when I was in school. At least I assume it isn’t.
In my own experience, I let them know that I stutter and while I have challenges verbally, I make up for in other areas, that it doesn’t affect my intelligence. I’ve even disclosed this on dating site profiles. Not much different than putting it on my cover letter or resume. Put it out there and if they don’t like it, that’s on them.
But the ones who did have issues with my stutter weren’t worth my time. That’s easier to say in hindsight, I know, but I’ve met plenty of girls who didn’t care that I stuttered — most recently, of course, my wife.
Overall, my advice to those dating someone who stutters is to be patient and empathetic. And if you want to know about their stutter, ask like you’re legitimately curious and interested and do not make assumptions (i.e. You must have been abused, you must not have confidence).
Ryan
Thank you for this interesting question!
I was a bachelor for a long time – until age 46. During my long bachelorhood, I dated a large number of women – some of whom I met in school and university environments, and others who I met through personal ads in print publications (this was long before modern social media). I had a number of girlfriends during the many years I was single.
I appreciated it when women were patient with me, kind, caring, compassionate, and understood that I had a speech disorder which sometimes made speaking difficult. When dating someone new, I almost always brought up the topic of my stuttering during the first date (if I hadn’t mentioned it to her earlier). During some dates, I spoke fluently due to intensively practiced fluency shaping techniques. I considered it especially important to make sure that my date knew I stuttered, when I was speaking fluently – as I didn’t know if I would always be that fluent with her on any future dates.
Stuttering wasn’t a taboo subject by any means, but I did appreciate it if my dates didn’t mention my stuttering too often – as there were many topics that I enjoyed conversing on.
I would give this advice to fluent people dating someone who stutters: Be very patient, kind, and compassionate. You can mention the person’s stuttering at times, but only in a positive encouraging context. Remember that the person may wish to avoid certain situations in which they have high speech anxiety, and it is important to respect that choice (even if some say that the person should not have such avoidances). And also use common sense in being respectful – resist any impulse to finish the person’s words or sentences; don’t convey a sense of rushing during conversations; don’t make any negative references to stuttering. Respect and love your date or partner for who he or she is; the degree of consistency of speech fluency is not any kind of indicator of the type of person one is.
Great question Sabrina.
For people who want to date a PWS it’s simple: see the person behind the stutter. You’ll get used to the stutter and the more you’re accepting and open, the more this person will let you in and show you their true self.
For PWS who want to date: be you. I tried to be what I thought other people wanted me to be, and lost myself completely, with no friends. (Long story about bullying, suicide etc.) But when I found myself, I realized I was good enough. I got friends, a job, a husband, family, it all fell into place. As the person who can’t accept your stutter is doomed to fail in the long run anyway. So stop the shame, as stuttering is not your fault. Try and talk about stuttering, but without apologizing. Stuttering just IS. Present yourself with your skills, personality, looks and every other way that shows who you are. And don’t be afraid to ask the other not to interrupt, to find a quieter place to talk, to maybe get introduced instead of doing it yourself, etc. So be true to yourself and let that be your greatest asset.
Keep them talking
Anita