|
Pamela Mertz is an active member of the global stuttering community. She started a blog about making room for stuttering in 2009 and began a podcast exclusively for women who stutter in 2010. She works part-time for the USA National Stuttering Association (NSA), and co-facilitates a monthly online support group for women who stutter. Pam was inducted into the NSA Hall of Fame in 2022. |
“When I am silent, I have thunder hidden inside.” ~ Rumi
This quote really resonates with me about stuttering. Sometimes I don’t say things because I worry the words won’t come out the way I intended.
I have always found it curious that stuttering can create such intimacy in conversation, if we allow ourselves to stutter openly and naturally.
Stuttering is not just what we hear. It’s also about what we don’t hear.
When we block, with no audible sound or word coming out, something is still being said. There is a connection, as we, myself and my listener, wait for my words, if the listener chooses to wait.
We should choose people who choose us. That is how intimate and meaningful conversations happen – when we choose and make time and space to listen deeply, regardless of how we sound or how long it may take.
I have spent a lot of time recently reflecting upon and sharing my stuttering journey and how I’ve arrived at the very good place I find myself today.
It has not been an easy path – it’s been filled with trauma, challenge and often a great sense of helplessness. I have always been somewhat of a perfectionist and I’ve tried to control the things in life that I could as stuttering is one of those things that I could not.
I don’t think I am a better listener because I stutter. Rather, I listen more deeply to stuttered speech and that includes stuttering that has no sound
So much is said and shared in silence and we who stutter GET the opportunity to learn from silence and be patient and curious. How wonderful that is, to get opportunities like this.
Too often in our fast paced world, people rush to fill any moment of silence (however brief) because those moments can be uncomfortable and awkward. But allowing silence and giving space to reflect and process is the beauty of communication. There are challenges and opportunities. We can choose to stutter well. We can choose to struggle well.
When people who stutter feel safe with each other to wait with curiosity and process what has been said or not said, that is a beautiful and intimate connection.
When I am silent, there’s a lot of thunder inside, often bursting to come out. But at this very good point in my journey, I am comfortable with silence and the very deep connections that shared silence can foster.
Welcome to the 2025 ISAD conference. I am glad you found us, and specifically my short contribution. I am really interested in your thoughts about how we can hear things even when there is not a sound or word uttered. What can silent stuttering teach us?
Dear Pam
I had to take time to read, re-read, and think about what you wrote. That is not because of how or what you wrote, but because of the concept you present. I needed time to let it sink in, to gain understanding.
The silence of the block has always been characterized by discomfort, whether on the part of the person who stutters or whether on the part of the listener. People – all – of us – feel discomfort when there is silence in a conversation.
You, however, are making us realize that we choose to allow that discomfort to be, without needing it to go away, and thereby to relax into the silence, and simply wait. In that time, as you write, intimacy can be created, trust, even commonality of purpose.
“allowing silence and giving space to reflect and process is the beauty of communication. ” I really like this.
I do need help with this: What do you mean by “We can choose to struggle well. “?
Thank you, Pam.
Hi Hanan,
Thank you for reading and obviously taking the time to really process what I am trying to convey. I don’t believe many people who stutter think that they have choices involving how to stutter – in this case, my examples of stuttering well and struggling well.
To me, stuttering well means just that – stuttering with ease, with no effort to change words, or prolong sounds, or to avoid in any manner. Stuttering well means stuttering openly and unapologetically.
Struggling well means something similar, to me anyway. Blocking and just blocking, not attempting to control it or pretend it’s a cough, attempting to maintain eye contact during a struggle moment, as difficult as that is. Struggling well also means allowing the tension that has built up in my chest or shoulders to let go, and if it is seen, that’s OK.
I think when we choose to struggle well, especially around other people who stutter, it sends a message that struggle is OK, it’s part of stuttering and we don’t need to hide it.
People with more pronounced stuttering than I have deserve to see struggle portrayed in as positive a light as possible.
Stuttering well and struggling well can make a difference down the road at some point I think in reducing a tiny bit of the stigma still ever present about stuttering.
I hope this makes some sense.
Pam, I appreciate how you framed silence: not as a lack of something, but as part of how meaning happens and is constructed. It’s a perspective I rarely see, and it made me rethink how I relate to speech and pauses.
And there’s something honest and authentic in not trying to wrap struggle in positivity. Thanks for sharing it that way
Hi Andrea,
Thanks for reading and looking at silence in a different way. There is so much said in silence, that we have to be certain to hear it or we miss it. That’s so ironic, isn’t it?
Pam
Hey Pam, your article really made me think and reflect – thank you! “We should choose people who choose us.” Just love that, and how true. And what a wonderful thing we can do for each other in the stuttering community that needs nothing said out loud – just listening, respect, and a deep connection that we feel and don’t ever have to put into words.
Thank you for sharing!
Gina
Thank you Gina – for sharing that my words really made you think and reflect. I am not sure that we who stutter do that enough – reflect on what the silent part of stuttering means and that indeed it is really a part of stuttering.
I’ve been sharing with a close friend a lot about this recently, about blocking. He has a tougher time with blocking than I do, yet we both can read into what is being said within the silence of the block, and I think that is so fascinating.
That led me to Rumi’s quote (and I’ve long liked Rumi) about having thunder inside, and what needs to happen to awaken that.
Thank you for reading and reflecting.
Hello Pam!
I enjoyed reading your article! I love how you describe the connection between people who stutter when there’s patience and space. It’s the kind of communication most people miss entirely. Your perspective on choosing listeners who truly choose us is beautiful. It makes such a difference when someone doesn’t rush or fill the silence. In your opinion, do you think people who don’t stutter can learn to appreciate silence in the same way, or is it a uniquely PWS experience?
Hi – I do think anyone can learn to appreciate silence if they truly want to. That’s the key though. “Wanting to” means going against the norm in our fast paced, impatient communicative society. Most people I encounter can’t stand to observe a moment of silence. They miss out on the opportunity to reflect and process on what has been said before immediately responding.
When we respond immediately, with no thought to what we’ve heard or to what we might say, we may pay a disservice to both speaker and listener.
That’s why I truly believe that people who stutter have such a unique intimate opportunity to connect beyond words – that what is not said is just as powerful, if not more so, than what is actually said.
Thanks for the great feedback.
Pam
The quote at the beginning reminded me of a line in one of my favorite songs -Car Radio, by Twenty One Pilots- “Sometimes quiet is violent.”
There is so much said in a moment of silence, and you are right. Learning to be in silence and learning from silence is a skill that not many people know.
Thanks for writing this!
Thank you David. I like the line you quote too . . . “Sometimes quiet is violent.” Wow.
I think so many people are afraid of silence – and therefore miss out on learning from it.
Thanks for sharing your feedback.
Hi Pam,
I enjoyed your views and thoughts about how silence conveys such strong meaning. I love the line “I don’t think I am a better listener because I stutter. Rather, I listen more deeply to stuttered speech and that includes stuttering that has no sound.” I translate this message as don’t just listen to the communicator but feel and observe what they are expressing. I think more people should have this outlook when building deep connections with others. I like how you include blocks “the stuttering that has no sound,” as this is so common for others to disregard the person with a stutter thoughts. Thank you for this eye opening article!
Thank you for reading and commenting. I truly hope you got something from my thoughts.
Pam
Hello Pam,
I was very moved by your post. I am currently a graduate student for speech language pathology. This concept of listening more deeply to stuttered speech and the silences that may come with it has been very prominent thought I have been having with my current clients. There really is so much that happening in the silence. I love how you mentioned how intimate it may feel to be a patient and open listener. Listening is truly such an intimate experience, and I’ve learned to really appreciate the act of creating an open and safe space for my patients. Are there any key qualities you appreciate in a communication partner that I can use as a new therapist to young children who stutter.
Hi “frost” (as I didn’t know how else to address you!)
I am glad you found value in my perception that silence holds so much meaning and that stuttering is so much more than “lack of fluency” or the repetitions or prolongations that we hear or the secondary behaviors that we sometimes see.
I think what is said when one blocks – when nothing audible is released – is sacred when both the stutterer and the listener choose to wait in that moment.
I think you can introduce young children who stutter to the idea that there is something being said even when we don’t hear it – and that may encourage a child who stutters to not feel frustrated or discouraged when he or she blocks – that there is purpose to both speaker and listener processing an important connection being made without words.
Pam
Thank you so much for sharing this perspective. I am currently a graduate student in a program for speech-language pathology, and we talk a lot about helping people communicate and use words, so I think this idea of silence being part of communication is fascinating. And you’re right – silence can be uncomfortable, but there are things that can be learned in it. I am going to keep this in mind as I continue in my studies and try learn from the silence too.
Hi Abigail – thank you for reading and seeing the value in silence. So much is said there.
~Pam
Connection in silence…good food for thought, Pam! Another contributor this year (Leila) explained patience as “letting silence breathe while I find my words.” I want to be the kind of speaker and listener who allows silence to breathe, giving space for reflection and processing in the dance of communication. – Ana Paula Mumy
Ana Paula – thank you as always for taking the time to read and share your thoughts. I have learned so much from silence, this year more than any for whatever reason.
~Pam
“Too often in our fast paced world, people rush to fill any moment of silence (however brief) because those moments can be uncomfortable and awkward. But allowing silence and giving space to reflect and process is the beauty of communication.”
That is so beautiful. I think that a positive outlook whether that be on stuttering or on life in general is important. Acceptance and appreciation make our world a better place. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for reading and commenting. Acceptance and appreciation indeed applies to everything.
~Pam
Hi Pam,
My name is Faith Antley, and I’m a second-year Speech-Language Pathology graduate student at Stephen F. Austin State University. Your reflection on the power of silence in stuttering was incredibly moving. I love how you described silence not as an absence, but as a moment full of connection, presence, and meaning—that truly reframed how I think about communication.
As someone who has worked with both children and adults who stutter, I often see how silence can feel uncomfortable, especially for listeners. Your perspective reminded me that silence can also be a space for understanding and mutual respect.
Thank you for sharing your honesty, strength, and insight. It’s such an inspiring reminder of the beauty that exists within stillness.
Faith,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I like the way you summed it up . . . .
“beauty exists within stillness.”
Good luck with your career – with your thoughtfulness and openness to new ideas, I have no doubt you will go far and change lives.
Pam
This is so beautifully said. The way you describe the power and intimacy of silence is moving. It’s a reminder that communication isn’t just about spoken words, it’s about presence, patience, and connection. Your reflections on choosing people who choose to wait with us really resonated with me. There’s so much strength and beauty in embracing both the thunder inside and the quiet moments that hold it. Thank you for sharing your journey so openly.
Thank you for reading and responding. I had hoped readers would be moved by appreciating silence for what it is – a part of communication that speaks if we listen.
And I’m especially glad you liked the part about “choosing people who choose us.” It’s kind of like family – you can’t choose your blood relatives but you can choose your family.
Pam
Hi Pamela, thank you for sharing your journey. I really appreciated the way you described silence as something meaningful rather than empty. I love how you explained how stuttering can create intimacy and connection when met with patience and presence.
Thank you Ggloria for reading and appreciating. There is opportunity and meaning in everything, if we choose to see it, and more importantly, allow for it.
Pam
Hi Pam, thank you for sharing this powerful story. Your description of the connection and intimacy found in a silent moment of stuttering is one of the most beautiful descriptions of stuttering that I have ever read. Also, what a great Rumi quote, I will definitely have to borrow it!
Hi Andrew,
Thanks for the kind words on my description of stuttering. I was somewhat unsure that people would really “get it” because we don’t often consider what happens when nothing comes out.
But really, so much happens in that second, moment, half minute and it can really be so much more powerful than any spoken word.
I love Rumi – the quote is not mine – so go for it as far as borrowing it and using it. I found/find it so powerful.
I am glad we have cross read each other’s papers.
~Pam
Beautiful Pam! We do learn so much in silence. Just listen!! But you must keep your thunder coming too – the world needs it!!
Hi Dori,
Thanks for reading and sharing your feedback. I want the world to keep hearing my thunder, believe me, I do. I am managing priorities right now so I have full capacity to thunder and roar like I am used to.
~Pam
Pamela, your words truly touched me. 🌿
The way you describe silence — not as emptiness, but as connection — deeply resonates with me as a person who stutters.
Thank you for reminding us that even in our quiet moments, there is meaning, strength, and beauty.
— Masoud
Hi Masoud,
I am so glad we read and found value in each other’s papers. We are on different journeys and at different life stages, yet still share so much in common.
I am glad my understanding of silence resonated with you – it is indeed not empty, it is deeply intimate and connecting when we give ourselves permission to just be and choose people who choose us for who we are.
I hope we can stay in touch.
~Pam
Thank you to everyone who took time to read and ponder my thoughts on the silence of stuttering and how silence speaks more than we think.
I am always glad to be part of conversations about stuttering.
Pam