About the Author: My name is Vesna Palaversa. I live in Croatia. I am a counselling therapist in body oriented psychotherapy and president of Association for Helping People Who Stutter and Their Families Horizons of Voice, Croatia.  Also, I am a person who stutters and the mother of a child who stutters. I started stuttering when I was 2 years old and struggled with stuttering all through my life, until my son began to stutter. In order to help him I had to help myself first. In that process, I changed my beliefs about stuttering and found my inner strength and gratitude for every experience that led me to the moment when I was able to help my child. And myself.

My mom used to tell stories about my first years in school and how difficult it was for me to learn to read. But, when I finally mastered it, I fell in love with books. Those were not just black letters anymore that stared at me with hostility. I discovered entire new worlds that would emerge from the pages and would take me to incredible adventures.

And I didn’t have to talk. Books never asked questions, never cared about my stutter. 

I wanted a professional career where I would read and write all day long, something like language translater, but it wasn’t meant to be. My family couldn’t afford my education in that direction at the time, so I had to choose something else.

So, I chose business school thinking that I would become an accountant and that would save me from having too much contact with other people. That wasn’t meant to be either. 

I ended up working as a product manager, travelling around the world, purchasing products for my company and then selling those products all over my country. Completely opposite of what I had imagined for myself. I had to negotiate business terms with my suppliers and buyers both in Croatian and English language, I had to talk on the phone in both languages, I had to do presentations and all the things that I used to dread. 

However, I never felt like I did a good job, even though my department was making the best profit in the company. I always felt that I could do better if only I didn’t stutter. For me, it was like I tricked my bosses into hiring me and it was just a matter of time before they realized what a mistake that was. I felt like an imposter.

But, I really loved my job, so I tried as hard as I could to hyde my stutter. As I tried to hyde it harder and harder, the more I felt like an imposter, never good enough.  It was a vicious circle.

When I got pregnant and married my husband, I decided to quit my job and become stay-at-home mom. It was a chance for me to finally rest from all the expectations that I imposed on myself at work. 

So, I did rest. For 9 months. When my son was born, and less then two years after that my daughter, I imposed new expectations on myself – I had to be a perfect mom. I wasn’t perfect on my job, but this was my new opportunity to finally make it right and prove to myself that I was good enough. 

So, when my son started to stutter, I felt like I failed once again, but this time, it wasn’t about me, it was about my child and it was too much for me to bear. 

For few months I was walking around almost like a zombie, always thinking about this horrible fate that came upon my child.  Fear of all the misery that he will have to face, shame and guilt because I „gave“ it to him, anger and rage because „Why him?“ (and „Why me?“) – were overwhelming. I wasn’t OK and my son could feel all of my inner struggle. And his speech was getting worse. 

Very often parents neglect or are not aware of their own importance in the lives of their children. Nobody can read our body and face signals better then our children. Luckily for my son, I remembered my  mother’s face when I would have a speech block. I could see shame and fear all over her face and it would make me feel even worse and I would stutter more. And then I started to close myself off and avoid speaking situation. Over the years fear of stuttering and fear of shame isolated me from other people. It crushed my confidence.

I didn’t want that for my son. I wanted to make him feel accepted just as he is.

But, I couldn’t, because I couldn’t accept myself with a stutter. 

That was a turning point for me and for my son. I started intense work on finding a way to change my beliefs about stuttering. Psychotherapy helped me a lot in that process. I took a closer look at my stuttering and the role it played in my life and I was amazed how it navigated me to the place I am today. Everything happened for a reason. And not just my stuttering. 

As I was buiding my confidence and accepting myself for who I am more and more, I was letting go of the fears for my child, letting go of shame and guilt for passing on to him my „curse“. My communication with him became more relaxed. I was finally able to listen to what he was telling, not how he was talking. I could see the change in him and he became more fluent. 

In addition, I started talking to people about my stutter. That was unthinkable before. And it set me free. I was surprised to find out that people around me didn’t care if I stuttered or not. The only one who cared about my stutter was me. 

As a result of all my efforts, my speech improved so much that people are often surprised when I tell them that I stutter. 

So, in a way, my son and I helped each other!

Both of us still stutter and we will probably continue to stutter, but that is not stopping us anymore.

My son will be 16 years old soon. He is living a normal life. He has lot of friends, he has no problem talking to people, many of his teachers didn’t even notice that he stutters, he doesn’t fear the phone… The biggest problems that he occasionally has are his dad and me. So, I would say that he is perfectly normal, moody teenager.

As for me, going to psychotherapy helped me realize what great lessons my stuttering tought me. Some of those are:

• I don’t have to be perfect (mother, employee or anything else), but I have to be OK with myself. 
• Everything happens for a reason. My stutter helped me get to where I am today.
• My stutter helped me to help my son.
• It shaped me into a person I am today. That person knows how strong she is. 
• It tought me how to listen to people, tought me empathy and compassion.
• I am grateful for my stutter.

I finally understood what I wanted to do in my life – practice psychotherapy. I enrolled in body oriented psychotherapy and got my diploma. I believe that stuttering hepled me to improve the skills I needed to be a therapist – ability to listen, empathy, compassion and understanding for those who are different.

Also, I wanted to use my experinece as a person who stutters and as a mother of a child who stutters, so few months ago I founded Association for Helping People Who Stutter and Their Families Horizons of Voice, here in Croatia. My goal is to create community where people who stutter will not feel alone and isolated and to help others accept the diversities within themselves and their children that make them unique.

Because, if we were all perfect, this world would be a very boring place!