About the Author: James Hayden is a son, brother, friend, and person who stutters from the New Orleans area. He is the author of Dear World, I Stutter: A Series of Open Letters from a Person Who Stutters. His work has been published by numerous outlets and organizations. He’s also presented at numerous universities and conferences. Outside of stuttering advocacy, he enjoys reading, spending time with loved ones, traveling, and consuming way too much Survivor related content.

Over the years, quite a few of my friends have told me that our friendship has made them better listeners. They say, “we focus on what you say rather than how you say it.” Likewise, stuttering has made me a better listener for the same reasons. One of the many things that being a person who stutters (PWS) has taught me is that listening is key to effective communication. That what is said is more important than how or the way it is said.  

Stuttering has not only taught me how to be a better  listener with others, but with myself. I know that sounds odd, so allow me to explain. 

From 2017 until 2022, I was very active in the stuttering advocacy world. I appeared on numerous podcasts, blogged for a few prominent organizations, led a support group, and presented to many universities across the United States. At first it was great, and I thought it was the coolest thing ever. However, things got too big too quickly and I didn’t know how to properly handle it. So, I dove more into the world. As involved as I was and as recognizable as my name was, something felt off. In August of 2021, a little voice in my head quietly started to ask, “Is this worth it?” I originally attributed that voice to stuff that was going on at work and once those issues were resolved the voice would silence. The work issue was resolved, but the voice only got louder as the months progressed. Instead of dealing with the voice, I just ignored it and tried to stifle it. That worked until it didn’t.

In late March 2022, I realized I needed to listen to that voice. I needed to figure out who I was outside of advocacy. So, I did. Since that a-ha moment, two and a half years ago, I’ve focused on: traveling, my mental health, friendships, relationships, hobbies, making stuttering not my entire personality, and re-defining my definitions of advocate and advocacy.  I haven’t been that involved in the advocacy world and that’s intentional. I’m focusing on James the person instead of James the advocate. I’m no longer a support group leader. I don’t reach out to do guest lectures. I allow advocacy to be a small part of who I am and not fully who I am. I’m more selective of what groups I speak to and what I write. My 20s were for advocacy. At 31, my 30s are for me.

One of the best things that has come from focusing on myself is the relationship with my girlfriend, Kyndall. We met in January of this year. She’s not involved in the stuttering world and had no idea who I was before we met (which is one of the many things that I love about her). With her, I can be my full self. When I disclosed that I’m a PWS, 10 minutes into our first date, she said, “Cool,” and we continued our date. As she likes to say, “One percent of the population stutters and one percent of our relationship is stuttering.” We talk about stuttering, but it doesn’t define our relationship. Once I told her about my involvement in the advocacy world she said, “I’m glad you did that but I want to know more about you.”

Kyndall and I say we’re glad that we met when we did. From my perspective, had we met a year or two ago we might not be together. And if we were together, our relationship probably wouldn’t be as strong as it is. Had we met at the height of my advocacy involvement, I’d be afraid to let her in on the bad parts of stuttering. The moments when I want nothing to do with stuttering. Now, I’m not afraid to share those thoughts with her. More importantly, I would feel the need to “be on” at all times. By working on self and realizing who I am and what I want, I don’t feel that pressure anymore. Working on my relationship with self and learning how to love myself allows me to better love her and others. 

Part of the work I’ve done is improving my self-confidence and confidence in my voice. My relationship with Kyndall shows me the progress I made in those departments, while also making my self-confidence stronger. I know that I don’t need to prove anything to her. Rather, who I am is enough and will always be enough. Likewise, I feel more confident in my voice. One of the sweetest things she’s ever told me is, “I love your voice. It’s my favorite thing.” As someone who, at their core, never thought those words would be said, it means so much to me. I know that stuttered speech is good speech. I’ve heard it so many times from SLPs; however, it hits differently coming from someone who isn’t in that world and has only been in my world for a little less than a year.  

Stuttering has taught me how to be a better listener. I just needed to let go of the advocacy expectations for me to hear it.