About the Author: Anita Blom, born and raised in the Netherlands, is living in Sweden. She worked as an operation manager for the Workers’ Educational Association. She has been a board member, incl chairperson, of stuttering organisations on local, national, European and International level, and an advisory board member of several international stuttering organisations.  She was a national and international keynote speaker on stuttering, had her own stuttering consultant company, was one of the Stutter Social hosts, was a project leader of several stuttering projects, and twice Member of the Year. She has an award-winning stuttering activist, acknowledged by Voice Unearthed on the Wall Of Inspiration, Stamma, and many others, on local, national and international level. She was also a leader of national and international children and youth camps for over 20 years. Anita, aka Scatsis, has stuttered since she was 9 and had a troublesome youth because of her stuttering. She went from being silent, to giving stuttering a voice, from pre-school children to the European Parliament, now inspiring people who stutter of all ages, they can make a difference. Do check out her previous papers to the ISAD online conferences. Due to health issues she now has to take it slow, but is still an inspiration to many, especially young people who stutter and those with ME/cfs. Her device, that’s now been used all over the world is “Sure I stutter. What are you good at?”.

Matt Stutzman made it to the semifinals at the Paralympics. He’s an archerer. Wow, how amazing! He’s missing both arms, and yet he’s doing it. His photos have gone viral.

We’re people who stutter (and clutter). Our voice is not fluent. Sometimes we really struggle. And yet, we’re doing it. Talking. All day, every day.

So… why is one applauded for doing what’s hard, but doing it anyway, and the other is told to fix it or hide it? What is it that puts stuttering in the shame-corner? Could it be that people with visible, physical disabilities (and their parents) have fought so hard to no longer be hidden in a facility, and instead demanded their right to be a part of society, just the way they are, with adjustments that are now law? But when people stutter, we feel we need to hide? When a certain well-known person publicly mimics and makes fun of a man who has CP, the world gets upset. Yet, it still seems to be OK to mimic and make fun of a person who stutters. Why are we still treading in such a slow pace to step out of the shadow and show the world we exist, what stuttering is about, and what we need to speak the way we chose to speak?

When I was told I was doing something “wrong”, I didn’t understand why my stuttering was said to be “wrong”.  But as it was said by so many others, I believed it. Stuttering was wrong. I was wrong. And they also told me I was the one to fix it. Today, years later, we’re still not there yet. Sure, it’s getting more accepted to stutter in certain countries, but the shame-stamp is still there. People are being shamed, or even hit, simply because they stutter. And not just that, there are still popping up “new” therapies and technical equipment aimed at masking stuttering, hiding it. Again making us aware of every stuttered syllable, telling us Oops you stuttered. Again. Try again. Take a deep breath. Slow down. This is not accepted and must change.

When someone says something nice about us, telling us we’re good at something, we do not always believe it. Why, if we do 1000 things right, we keep focusing on that one thing we feel we do “wrong”. So therapy and devices that tell us “Oops, wrong”, could wipe out every positive feeling of “I stuttered, but I SAID it!”, exchanging it with “I stuttered, I said it, but I said it WRONG”.

Now I know some people want full acceptance, while others want full therapy to become fluent. And there should be space for both, and all in between. But whatever road you are on, make sure it’s a road chosen by YOU. And that this road is not shamed with WRONG if you can’t win that marathon. Or if you settle with simply wanting to improve your skills, instead of being told you’re not good enough and it’s your fault if you “fail to win”. Set your (own) goals, whatever they may be, but make every step count. And when high enough, celebrate the steps you’ve taken. 

What if people, including ourselves, would realize…

… that our Paralympics are every day, so applaud the efforts.
… that talking in front of people is fear no 1, and yet most of us do it, while many fluent people don’t.
… that people who stutter win Toastmasters contests.
… that communication is a two-way street, so the better they communicate (not interrupting, remaining eye contact, speaking in a communicative way), the better we can communicate as well.

But most of all, LISTEN. Not to how we speak, but to what we’re saying. When it’s hard to speak, I might not speak freely, but I chose my words, and chose the people I want to talk to, and make the effort for. So, when I speak to you, I have something to say, and I find you worth my effort. You’re the one I feel safe to talk to and with whom I want to share my thoughts. You have the job offer that I feel fits me and my qualifications, and that I’m ready to give it my all. So instead of judging me for my stutter, judge me for my courage and efforts. 

And guess what, because I’m used to finding it hard to jump in a conversation where other people talk, I’ve learned to listen. I’ve learned to observe. Your body language while you’re speaking. Your tone of voice. When I was young, I was bullied and totally ignored to the core I tried to stop living, and yet when my bullies needed someone to listen, they came to me.

My first boyfriend heard I stuttered, but he listened and found out I was worth listening to. My first boss told people who didn’t want to talk to me, but asked for him, that they better listen to me, as I was just as skilled as him. And maybe this is why I became a public speaker, and found my full potential when I was headhunted to be a teacher: when I talk others have to listen. 😉 

But that also meant I had to listen to, and believe, people who told me I was good enough. (I even have these very words tattooed on my arm today). And not listen to people, and my inner voice, who told me I couldn’t because I stutter (something I was told throughout my youth). 

I also have had the pleasure to host camps for children with their parents, and young adults who stutter. I listen to the stories from the parents, who think it’s their fault their kids stutter, and to explain it is not. I listen to the chatter from the kids who finally feel they are not alone and won’t stop talking, and hear both great stories of good practice, and horror stories from teachers who don’t get it, and help kids and parents how to speak to teachers and classmates (and I used to visit schools and make them listen, telling cool stories until the kids raise their hands and say “I too want to learn how to stutter!”). I also listen to young adults who finally open up, laugh, cry, share private stories (not only about stuttering), as they finally feel listened to, and give them love, hope, empowerment and well-needed hugs.

Someone recently wrote that people with disabilities are a nuisance, as “they always demand adjustments”. That person wasn’t listening. We’re not demanding adjustments. We’re demanding respect. Because not interrupting, not filling in words, remaining eye contact, etc, has nothing to do with demanding adjustments, not even with stuttering. It has everything to do with a respectful conversation. And I know that people do not always have time to listen. Sometimes we’re just so eager to tell what we want to tell, there’s no room for others. Some people have so many other things on their minds they can’t focus on listening. I myself am one of those. So I can’t demand that everyone should listen to me, just because I stutter. 

In a recent post we were asked what to do to make people listen. Sometimes when people fill in my words, I ignore that and still finish my sentence, or say “I was getting to that, but now it takes me even more words to say what I wanted to say”. Sometimes I clearly stop talking and make the “lock my lips” gesture, and raise my hands as in “I give up”. Sometimes I raise my hand as in class. Remember, most people don’t realize they take over a conversation. My husband often continues my sentences, as we’ve been married for too long. 😉 But when making them aware, by explaining that their behavior only makes me stutter more, and using a bit of humor, we not only get space to talk, we raise awareness as well. Also when you choose to speak with a certain technique, tell your listener, so that they can be a supportive listener. 

I’ve given many workshops on Speaking Circles during the years. By not just teaching the speaker, but also teaching the important role of the listener, speakers learn to speak in public, and listeners learn to listen. I also watched many videos of people who spoke in a way that made others listen. One thing struck me: they pause. As pausing makes people listen, wondering what will be said next. Compare that with people who talk all the time, as much and as fast as they can, while not really saying anything at all. 

Listening might be the key to stuttering becoming the new normal. When we know people listen, without judgement, we might start to speak freely, saying what we want to say, in a way that is OK for ourselves to speak. But for that we also need to stop listening to that little voice in our heads telling us stuttering is wrong, and listen to people saying we’re good enough, no matter how we speak.

So let’s focus on what we’re saying, and say it with pride. We’re doing our best. Now our listeners should do their best too. By listening patiently.

Keep talking

”Sure I stutter. What are you good at.”