 About the Author:Anita Blom, born and raised in the Netherlands, is living in Sweden. She worked as an operation manager for the Workers’ Educational Association. She has been a board member, incl chairperson, of stuttering organisations on local, national, European and International level, and an advisory board member of several international stuttering organisations. She was a national and international keynote speaker on stuttering, had her own stuttering consultant company, was one of the Stutter Social hosts, was a project leader of several stuttering projects, and twice Member of the Year. She has an award-winning stuttering activist, acknowledged by Voice Unearthed on the Wall Of Inspiration, Stamma, and many others, on local, national and international level. She was also a leader of national and international children and youth camps for over 20 years. Anita, aka Scatsis, has stuttered since she was 9 and had a troublesome youth because of her stuttering. She went from being silent, to giving stuttering a voice, from pre-school children to the European Parliament, now inspiring people who stutter of all ages, they can make a difference. Do check out her previous papers to the ISAD online conferences. Due to health issues she now has to take it slow, but is still an inspiration to many, especially young people who stutter and those with ME/cfs. Her device, that’s now been used all over the world is “Sure I stutter. What are you good at?”. |
Matt Stutzman made it to the semifinals at the Paralympics. He’s an archerer. Wow, how amazing! He’s missing both arms, and yet he’s doing it. His photos have gone viral.
We’re people who stutter (and clutter). Our voice is not fluent. Sometimes we really struggle. And yet, we’re doing it. Talking. All day, every day.
So… why is one applauded for doing what’s hard, but doing it anyway, and the other is told to fix it or hide it? What is it that puts stuttering in the shame-corner? Could it be that people with visible, physical disabilities (and their parents) have fought so hard to no longer be hidden in a facility, and instead demanded their right to be a part of society, just the way they are, with adjustments that are now law? But when people stutter, we feel we need to hide? When a certain well-known person publicly mimics and makes fun of a man who has CP, the world gets upset. Yet, it still seems to be OK to mimic and make fun of a person who stutters. Why are we still treading in such a slow pace to step out of the shadow and show the world we exist, what stuttering is about, and what we need to speak the way we chose to speak?
When I was told I was doing something “wrong”, I didn’t understand why my stuttering was said to be “wrong”. But as it was said by so many others, I believed it. Stuttering was wrong. I was wrong. And they also told me I was the one to fix it. Today, years later, we’re still not there yet. Sure, it’s getting more accepted to stutter in certain countries, but the shame-stamp is still there. People are being shamed, or even hit, simply because they stutter. And not just that, there are still popping up “new” therapies and technical equipment aimed at masking stuttering, hiding it. Again making us aware of every stuttered syllable, telling us Oops you stuttered. Again. Try again. Take a deep breath. Slow down. This is not accepted and must change.
When someone says something nice about us, telling us we’re good at something, we do not always believe it. Why, if we do 1000 things right, we keep focusing on that one thing we feel we do “wrong”. So therapy and devices that tell us “Oops, wrong”, could wipe out every positive feeling of “I stuttered, but I SAID it!”, exchanging it with “I stuttered, I said it, but I said it WRONG”.
Now I know some people want full acceptance, while others want full therapy to become fluent. And there should be space for both, and all in between. But whatever road you are on, make sure it’s a road chosen by YOU. And that this road is not shamed with WRONG if you can’t win that marathon. Or if you settle with simply wanting to improve your skills, instead of being told you’re not good enough and it’s your fault if you “fail to win”. Set your (own) goals, whatever they may be, but make every step count. And when high enough, celebrate the steps you’ve taken.
What if people, including ourselves, would realize…
… that our Paralympics are every day, so applaud the efforts.
… that talking in front of people is fear no 1, and yet most of us do it, while many fluent people don’t.
… that people who stutter win Toastmasters contests.
… that communication is a two-way street, so the better they communicate (not interrupting, remaining eye contact, speaking in a communicative way), the better we can communicate as well.
But most of all, LISTEN. Not to how we speak, but to what we’re saying. When it’s hard to speak, I might not speak freely, but I chose my words, and chose the people I want to talk to, and make the effort for. So, when I speak to you, I have something to say, and I find you worth my effort. You’re the one I feel safe to talk to and with whom I want to share my thoughts. You have the job offer that I feel fits me and my qualifications, and that I’m ready to give it my all. So instead of judging me for my stutter, judge me for my courage and efforts.
And guess what, because I’m used to finding it hard to jump in a conversation where other people talk, I’ve learned to listen. I’ve learned to observe. Your body language while you’re speaking. Your tone of voice. When I was young, I was bullied and totally ignored to the core I tried to stop living, and yet when my bullies needed someone to listen, they came to me.
My first boyfriend heard I stuttered, but he listened and found out I was worth listening to. My first boss told people who didn’t want to talk to me, but asked for him, that they better listen to me, as I was just as skilled as him. And maybe this is why I became a public speaker, and found my full potential when I was headhunted to be a teacher: when I talk others have to listen. 😉
But that also meant I had to listen to, and believe, people who told me I was good enough. (I even have these very words tattooed on my arm today). And not listen to people, and my inner voice, who told me I couldn’t because I stutter (something I was told throughout my youth).
I also have had the pleasure to host camps for children with their parents, and young adults who stutter. I listen to the stories from the parents, who think it’s their fault their kids stutter, and to explain it is not. I listen to the chatter from the kids who finally feel they are not alone and won’t stop talking, and hear both great stories of good practice, and horror stories from teachers who don’t get it, and help kids and parents how to speak to teachers and classmates (and I used to visit schools and make them listen, telling cool stories until the kids raise their hands and say “I too want to learn how to stutter!”). I also listen to young adults who finally open up, laugh, cry, share private stories (not only about stuttering), as they finally feel listened to, and give them love, hope, empowerment and well-needed hugs.
Someone recently wrote that people with disabilities are a nuisance, as “they always demand adjustments”. That person wasn’t listening. We’re not demanding adjustments. We’re demanding respect. Because not interrupting, not filling in words, remaining eye contact, etc, has nothing to do with demanding adjustments, not even with stuttering. It has everything to do with a respectful conversation. And I know that people do not always have time to listen. Sometimes we’re just so eager to tell what we want to tell, there’s no room for others. Some people have so many other things on their minds they can’t focus on listening. I myself am one of those. So I can’t demand that everyone should listen to me, just because I stutter.
In a recent post we were asked what to do to make people listen. Sometimes when people fill in my words, I ignore that and still finish my sentence, or say “I was getting to that, but now it takes me even more words to say what I wanted to say”. Sometimes I clearly stop talking and make the “lock my lips” gesture, and raise my hands as in “I give up”. Sometimes I raise my hand as in class. Remember, most people don’t realize they take over a conversation. My husband often continues my sentences, as we’ve been married for too long. 😉 But when making them aware, by explaining that their behavior only makes me stutter more, and using a bit of humor, we not only get space to talk, we raise awareness as well. Also when you choose to speak with a certain technique, tell your listener, so that they can be a supportive listener.
I’ve given many workshops on Speaking Circles during the years. By not just teaching the speaker, but also teaching the important role of the listener, speakers learn to speak in public, and listeners learn to listen. I also watched many videos of people who spoke in a way that made others listen. One thing struck me: they pause. As pausing makes people listen, wondering what will be said next. Compare that with people who talk all the time, as much and as fast as they can, while not really saying anything at all.
Listening might be the key to stuttering becoming the new normal. When we know people listen, without judgement, we might start to speak freely, saying what we want to say, in a way that is OK for ourselves to speak. But for that we also need to stop listening to that little voice in our heads telling us stuttering is wrong, and listen to people saying we’re good enough, no matter how we speak.
So let’s focus on what we’re saying, and say it with pride. We’re doing our best. Now our listeners should do their best too. By listening patiently.
Keep talking
”Sure I stutter. What are you good at.”
Welcome to my paper. I hope it gave you food for thought. Feel free to comment and ask me any questions.
Hi Anita, there is so much food for thought in your article!
One thing it made me think about is how the variability of stuttering often leads me to modulate my identity depending on the environment I am in, and its degree of inclusiveness.
And this on the one hand is human and understandable… I do it to protect myself. But on the other it’s exhausting… how I wish everyone knew I stutter, once and for all.
Andrea
Why don’t you tell them than. 😉 Because it’s not only taking the elephant out of the room for you, but also for your listener. You can just sneak it into a conversation. Like “I was at this stuttering event this summer and did some sightseeing”. If they’re interested, this is your change to advertise and open up the conversation. 😉 As they might know someone who stutters and are dying to learn more. If not, just as OK.
But I’m overt, so I have two choices: to stutter or not talk at all. Being covert has a third option which is way harder, physically and emotionally: hiding. Which is so much more exhausting.
I learned not to apologize from the disability community. They claim their space. And people (well most…) learned to adjust to THEM. It’s about time we claim our right to be and speak the way we are as well. We have the right to stutter. They have the right to listen. And the right not to. And miss out on you, your friendship, your humor, your intelligence. Their loss.
Keep talking my dear friend, as what we’re saying is worth repeating.
Anita
Hi Anita,
I completely agree with your statement that people with disabilities are not demanding adjustments; they only want respect, as every person deserves. We are taught not to interrupt, maintain eye contact, and listen to a person while having a conversation, so why would we not be expected to do the same with a person with disabilities? Thank you for shedding light on this and giving me some food for thought.
Spot on, Roxana! The only thing we ask is to wait until we’re finished. And if you don’t have time, simply tell us. Common curtesy. You don’t “help” by dragging a blind person across the road. You don’t tell a deaf person s/he has to fix the hearing, simply because that’s easier for the listener. You don’t tell a kid in a wheelchair to run the track just like the other kids. And yet, when we stutter, we need, or feel the need (!) to adjust. Nope. It’s time to claim our right to speak the way WE feel is good enough for US. Whether that’s with or without techniques. That takes enough of mental and physical effort as it is.
Keep talking
Anita
Hi Anita, I enjoyed reading your article. “It has everything to do with a respectful conversation.” I couldn’t agree more! When my son stuttered for about 1-2 years, the “adjustments” we made in our home environment related to talking turns, waiting for our turn, not interrupting, not rushing in conversations, being fully present in our interactions by minimizing distractions and demonstrating attentiveness with our eyes and bodies, it wasn’t just about stuttering, it was about learning RESPECTFUL COMMUNICATION. And we ALL benefitted – me, my husband, our daughter, and our son! It’s truly a win-win whether or not the stuttering stops.
So true Ana Paula. These days I find people talking faster than ever before, with less patience to wait for the other to finish. And this is with people who don’t stutter. Also look at children’s movies: the speed of both speech and the movie itself is racing! So yes, simply go back to speaking in a speed that gives time for the listener to really listen, comprehend and give a mindful reply, is not only beneficial to PWS, but to everyone. Lately I spend more time with seniors and I love it. They take more time to speak and to listen. The only thing is that they love to give advice on how to stop stuttering… Like today, when I spoke to an elderly lady who told me to sing… We still have a long way to go, but we’re getting there. Baby steps. 😉 Greetings to your son and keep talking.
Anita
Sis… “We’re not demanding adjustments. We’re demanding respect.” Amen to that! You nail the importance of being seen and heard for who we are, without needing to ‘adjust’ ourselves for others’ comfort. The better educated the listener is on stuttering, the more we’ll come across more people listening without judgement. It’s about respect and owning our space, and that message can’t be said enough, so keep talking… but I know you will 😉
Gina
Spot on, Sis. We simply want people to be a respectful listener. When listening to radio programs or talkshows, not to mention political debates, people are not mindful. They love their own voices more than the voice of the person they speak with. They diarrhea of words is endless, but the message only consists of a few words. With PWS, it often takes efforts to speak, and we’re not always as happy to hear our own voices (unfortunately) so we’re less proned to ramble. And instead, what we say is worth listening to. 😉 So let’s keep talking, and taking up space in a conversation. What we say is worth repeating. 🙂
Anita
Hi Anita – I always love your perspective. It’s so honest and informative. The older I get, the grumpier I get around people who talk over others and don’t listen. Having a son who stutters definitely raised my sensitivity to this. Not that I’m never guilty!!
Anita, ‘good enough’…….. I am so glad I listened to you!
Anita, I agree that people who do not stutter need more education on what to do/say when a person who stutters is having a moment of stuttering. I remember when my son was young and reached the age where most children start stuttering.. I to said “slow down, take your time” because it just seemed like the right thing to say at the time. Now going to school for speech-pathology, I am learning that we want to not say that to children. Always keeping an open mind and always willing to learn from someone else is key!
Anita,
I always love your contributions to the ISAD conference. You are wise, insightful and always, always willing to share to help others who are not as far along on their journey as you are.
You are a gift to the global stuttering community. Everyone knows that – I hope you do too.
Pam
Oh Anita I have read this 3 days in a row, thankyou for being the wise encouraging person, that you are to so many. And thankyou for all the support you give,You gave helped me so much ,
Anita, I love how you ended this essay. ”Sure I stutter. What are you good at.”. Your essay is so insightful! As a graduate student in Speech Language Pathology, I am thankful for your wisdom. The work you are doing is so important! People who have actually walked the walk of living with stuttering have so much to offer others who stutter (which you already know!). What is your best piece of advice you give to speech pathologists who work with young children who stutter?
Thank you for being you!
Anita, your passage offers such profound insights into the societal perception of stuttering and the deep-rooted biases that shape how people react to different forms of communication. You highlight the contrast between the way society celebrates individuals with visible physical disabilities for overcoming challenges, while people who stutter are often told to correct or conceal their speech. What can people do to help celebrate people who stutter and their speech?