About the Author: Randy Panzarino lives in Dana Point, California, and is a school-based speech-language pathologist in Capistrano Unified School District. He is a person who stutters. As alumni of the University of Central Florida, he holds degrees in Psychology (B.S.) and Communication Sciences and Disorders (M.A., B.S.). Randy has presented stuttering research at conferences internationally relating to psychosocial variables of the disorder. In his free time, when he is not surfing or playing pickleball, Randy enjoys leading the Orange County chapter of the National Stuttering Association. He has had the great honor of serving as a counselor at Camp SAY (The Stuttering Association for The Young) for four summers.

Words and actions hold heavy meaning. A simple “Hello.” might be a seed of hope planted in one who may be otherwise trapped in sadness. A smile portrays, “I see you.”. Gentle eye-contact and a head nod lets me know, “I hear you.”. 

Our subtle communicative expressions make up the graceful dance that is human connection. Mirror neurons promote reciprocity of emotional valence. We both contribute to how at ease the other party feels during an exchange of ideas. Conversation can then steer deep and meaningful or fleeting and shallow.

Introductions are fundamental and essential. They establish relationships which are the fabric that weaves society together. 

In attempts to foster human dignity, kindness, self-worth, and respect, it seems beneficial to review the things we say or do in interpersonal exchanges, considering language that might be particularly hurtful. The current reflection seeks to examine just one specific utterance, and its ramifications in the broader scope of the social experience. The ideas presented are experiential, and a form of emotional expression. Maybe they’ll encourage personal reflection, and promote positive behavioral change for the betterment of human interactions. 

“Did you forget your name?”

I’ve been thinking for some time now how the above phrase fits into human vernacular. It is puzzling to me how this specific set of words represents something that semantically denotes anything helpful. Followed by a question mark, conveyed with paralinguistic features of rising intonation, its interrogative connotation would make the ears of most listeners perk up in surprise. Why is that? 

After much contemplation, it seems unbeknownst to me a scenario where such a verbalization could possibly have positive or uplifting intentions. 

Where exists a place where these words do not stoke degradation of one’s self-esteem? When would this phrase be considered a nice thing to say? 

If answered “yes”, will soul-crushing laughter ensue? 

If answered “no”, will the already impatient inquirer grace the speaker with more conversational floor time?

Let’s consider all emotional and environmental context stripped away. At its core it’s a binary question which seeks to gain information. Upon a “yes” or “no”, what exactly does one do with these answers and how would they apply this information in a way that is useful in moving the conversation forward?

The question is as imperative as it is interrogative. That is, it could mean something along the lines of, “Spit it out already!” or, “What, are you lying to me?”. It appears to be a reaction inspired by some level of disgust. We can agree it’s used overwhelmingly in the context of humor.

So, did she who asked it mean to be playfully or actually insulting? The more serious problem lies in the wide discrepancy between the potentially deep-seating impact such a remark can leave on someone versus the true intention of he who uttered it. Did you realize your words can have life altering consequences? If you didn’t, here is your memo.

To those who’ve asked the question before, why did you do so? Was it from a place of curiosity, astoundment or spite? Did you think the other person actually forgot their name? Hopefully, you knew little about how scaringly painful the phrase can be. 

For the reader seeking more context: what exactly am I talking about? You might be wondering, “Why would anyone ask that?”.

For others, you recall vividly the situations which have occasioned the phrase. It has left scars in your being. Perhaps, you shrug it off easily now. Maybe, you have coped by remaining numb over time. 

Of course, the current reflections refer to encounters of people who stutter. We, who, from time to time, get asked this puzzling question as if we are supposed to smile and answer, brushing it off like it’s no big deal. 

We live with speech v-v-vvv-ariab-b-il..ity. Our fluency subject to contextual alterations in our everyday existence. Various triggers activate the locking devices which grip our voice and articulators. Each moment of disfluency spent hoping the other party holds on just a second longer. 

Is our listeners’ attention a measure of sympathy? I am sure that is not what we desire. We assign higher value to basic human decency. Our listeners’ attention, then, serves as a thermometer for emotional maturity. A litmus test for if we should further engage. 

A lack of an emotional reaction to stuttered speech tells me a lot about you. You are not easily shaken. You appear to have some level of self-control. Perhaps, you are wise. And kind. And worthy of pursuing. 

But why do good people ask it? For not all have evil objectives. Ignorance could be applicable here. But is ignorance not a choice or is it?

Many times when asked the harrowed question I stood calm and resilient in taking a thorn to my side. I understood the other party didn’t recognize the weight of their words and looked past it, hoping it wasn’t a reflection of who they truly were. I smiled and pushed through with the intention of letting it go. Maybe I am amenable. I would like to be more disagreeable. 

I’ve gotten to know plenty who’ve had instinctual startlement to my speech. Lots have been good and wholesome people. So, what is my forgiveness rooted in? Surely an innate desire for social acceptance. I reflect on my own emotional immaturities. No one is perfect. I laugh often when I shouldn’t. Smile when I ought to frown. It’ll take more years to master regulating my own emotions in the way that I desire. 

I see it as my duty to show them their bias is unsound. I want to prove, “It’s not a big deal… I stutter, okay?”. It’s like, “I know you’ve heard stuttering before.” … “Certainly you’ll hear it again.”.  

It’d be safe to bet that most who stutter have been asked the harrowed question. For some it’s a first memory. For many, a weekly happening. Old, young, overt, covert… It doesn’t seem to discriminate. It so clearly illustrates the repeated, stigmatic, generational trauma imposed on people who stutter across the globe. 

You see, when I open my mouth to speak I am being vulnerable. That is because I’m showing you a part of myself that I could otherwise attempt to hide. Yes I have insecurities about this identity but I’ve made large strides in feelings of authenticity. Will you extend me your ears and eyes as I push through these blocks just a little longer? Hold my voice as I walk you down this bumpy road. In no time you’ll get used to it and you may even learn to like it. 

Of course I didn’t forget my name. My name is central to who I am. A visceral reaction to who I am stings my psyche and peppers me with shame. Your question might just have the ability to rattle my identity to its core. 

I know who I am, right? 

I know who I am… right? 

There is something deeper here. The juncture between how I see myself in the world and the breaks in my speech paint a mosaic persona. 

Am I Randy? Or ….R-r-r…Andy? Perhaps, I’m Andy. 

All those tireless attempts to correct those who’ve thought my name was Andy… 

…“No, my name is R-r—-Andy!!”.  

I haven’t always been successful. 

But you see, I’m not Andy. I’m Randy. So my name is Randy. But in fact, its Ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh…rrrr-andy. (*smile). 

Different days bring different variations of the sound salad that is my identity. 

We can be the catalyst which changes the narrative, so that the next individual is spared, respected, and listened to. Critical conversations related to topics like these are occurring more frequently than ever. Stuttered voices are rumbling, louder and louder. 

At the 40th National Stuttering Association Conference in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, Jonathan Woolard gave a workshop related to the harrowed question. Discussion flourished regarding peoples encounters, and practical ways to combat ableist comments. Responses to how they’ve dealt with such remarks ranged from shrugging it off, to educating the other person, to lashing out, and everything in between. 

Embodied within each story was one’s own unique communication style. There was no lack of creativity, elegance, and flair. It was clearly gleaned that people who stutter have a giant amount of class. I left energized knowing the state of resilience and resistance of stigma by the stuttering community is strong. 

“Did you forget your name?”… “Did you forget your empathy?” – John Moore

I hope you know I’m not the first to record my thoughts on the current topic. A simple google search quickly returns numerous writings and other art forms which cite the harrowed question, and those courageous expeditions of people who stutter. Take Rahima Dosani’s earth shattering poem “Did You Forget Your Name?” performed at the 2017 American Institute for Stuttering Gala. Or Chloe E. Gambol’s raw accounts of being a college student who stutters in her article “I Didn’t Forget My Name” for the Harvard Crimson. 

It is therapeutic to deliberate the why and how of things we deal with. There is meaning in everything. How we derive meaning, and interpret it, ultimately, we have to choose. 

Know your experiences are unique and nuanced. They only happen to you. No one can take that from you. And it is this notion which embodies the essence of authenticity. This genuineness of who you are, what you’ve dealt with, and how you choose to move forward deserves celebration if desired. 

My hope is that these reflections have an ameliorating effect on the attitudes of those who’ve received such befuddling remarks. At the end of the day, who thought such a silly set of words would lead to this much thought provocation? Not in a million years did you once expect as an innocent child that people would be imposing on you the pressures to speak with perfection. But perhaps it was pre-written in your DNA to challenge the norm and embrace the extraordinary.

To those spewing venom, unknowingly or not, please do us a favor, and think before you speak. But remember, refrain from giving this suggestion to people who stutter (unless they say something really mean) because people who stutter know exactly what they want to say. 

And know that belittlement of any form might be met with an equal and opposite reaction. If we suspect spite, why keep a tempered tongue? Of course, there is always the high road too. But the truth is, there is no one way of handling it. Indeed, one size does NOT fit all. But it is important to know what you value, and know you’re not wrong in sharing how you feel. 

You deserve nothing but the golden rule. 

Each time we who stutter speak, we challenge stigma. Or should I say, each time we who stutter stutter, we challenge stigma. The more our voices are heard, the less our voices are silenced.

I’ll speak on behalf of those who stutter to say we stand in solidarity with anyone whose way of communicating occasions insulting remarks. We find solace in the collective feeling of what it’s like to have to work overtime in order to win over the positive assessments of others. Together, we do the world a favor by reminding everyone that each human should be treated equally. 

Your willingness to be yourself is the greatest invitation. 

It’s simply on others to accept it.