 About the Author:
Steven Kaufman is an autistic person who stutters and someone who helps to inspire people who stutter as well as the professionals who help them. He is a motivational speaker who has presented in sixteen states, including serving as a keynote speaker in Indiana. Steven works for the federal government and lives in the outer suburbs of the District of Columbia. Outside of sharing the love of stuttering, Steven enjoys traveling, hockey, Facebook, charity galas, and catering to the demands of an adopted handsome black cat named Lucky. |
My official name is Steven Kaufman. Most call me Mr. Steven. But I also see myself as Stuttering’s Dark Angel.
I know most people don’t refer to themselves in that manner. As you will find out, I am not like everyone else. If you are hearing that for the first time, you may be experiencing different feelings: Maybe you’re confused. Or intrigued. You may even think I’ve lost my mind. I have been labeled so many times in my life and there isn’t anything I haven’t heard: I’ve been called slow. Someone who doesn’t get it. The last person who was given a brain. Some statements were really cruel and heartbreaking, like the person who once thought of me as a genetic mistake that went horrifyingly wrong. It may have taken me a long time to learn, but one size doesn’t fit all. Oh, and here’s my thoughts on labels: they are only good for Kate Spade and Hermes handbags. Or Jimmy Choo shoes. So come ride with me, because this person has a special story to share, and it goes a little something like this:
Some people in today’s world have difficult battles to fight. Some are easily won, others require a daily struggle just to stay ahead. If you have ever known someone who is an addict, then you understand. Regardless of whether it is drugs, alcohol, or gambling, living one day at a time is challenging. It has to be broken down, hour by hour. I am a person who stutters, and while my stuttering is mild to moderate, I have never let it prevent me from doing anything I wanted. Even in elementary school, I was the student with his hand raised first. Throughout high school, I became more determined, even when some teachers deliberately tried to ignore me. I refused to let them do that, even when they offered incentives to have other students answer the question. I can still vividly remember one English teacher repeatedly saying “Is there anyone else who wants to step up? Anyone? Don’t be shy, I have extra credit.” This became such a refrain that outside of eating lunch by myself in the nurse’s office, those 42 minutes were the equivalent of entering the eighth circle of hell. Then there was the second semester of junior college, when all of the teasing finally got to me. In a fit of rage, I sped home on the Meadowbrook Parkway, ran to the bathroom, closed my eyes and slit my wrists open. I just didn’t care anymore: it hurt too much for me talk and I didn’t want to live. I was at peace with waiting to die, and my epitaph was prepared: “Talking killed him.”
That was a lifetime ago, and I have completely turned my life around. I have used my stuttering to help inspire and push those who stutter to follow their dreams and be the person they were meant to become. I have presented at sixteen state speech and hearing association conventions, among them, North Carolina, Texas, and Louisiana. However, I am also facing a new type of challenge. I am learning to see myself as an autistic person who stutters. I am what you call high-functioning with Asperger’s. You will never hear me say “I have a problem.” If you reframe it, it definitely becomes manageable. Who wants to say “I have a speech problem?” If you hear that, you automatically think there is something wrong. Stuttering isn’t wrong. If it wasn’t for my stuttering, I wouldn’t be who I am. I wouldn’t have followed my dreams to working in Washington, DC, where I am now, and always will be.
For the longest time, I always saw my Asperger’s as the “third rail.” In politics, the “third rail” refers to topics that are so divisive that nothing good will come of it should it be brought up in conversation. In layman’s terms, it means “Don’t go there.” I would do everything to avoid the “A” word. And then one day this year I had a meltdown which scared a lot of my friends who care about me. I am estranged from my family, so the stuttering community is all I have. I realized at that point, I had to do something. Being on the autism spectrum is brutal sometimes: you can be so far behind the eight ball that you wonder if the needle actually moves. I have to work three times as harder as everyone else just to keep pace. My stuttering, however, has served as a road map to show me that maybe I can learn to embrace the spectrum. I have taken a few baby steps: for the first time, when I submitted a proposal to present at the Arizona Speech-Language-Hearing Association (ARSHA) conference, I identified myself as an “autistic person who stutters.” After I did that, it felt like the darkness of the clouds above subtly transformed to an incredible light. When you realize that you no longer have to carry that burden, everything changes. Just maybe I can see beyond the horizon and know that I can really accept this part of my life.
The genesis of being “Stuttering’s Dark Angel” is based on my feelings that even if I am one person physically, there are two sides of my personality. The “angel” refers to the fact that I have many sincerely good qualities about myself: I am loyal. I do care about others and their welfare. I am genuine. I work in a city, after all, where people can act one way when the cameras are on them, and as soon as the lights disappear, they really show who they are. Asperger’s doesn’t let me do that: when you meet me, what you see is exactly what you get. But the “dark” reminds me who I also am: a person who most of the world doesn’t understand, and wishes I could be like everyone else. The world wants me to be the same and I can’t do that. Why should I when I am an original?
I know there are a lot of people who are angry or upset that they stutter. Yet the more that I think about it, the lessons I have learned from my stuttering do make a lot of sense where I can apply them to being autistic. Here are but a few of them:
- I don’t have to apologize for stuttering. Why should I have to for being on the spectrum?
- My stuttering shows vulnerability, and people respond to that. By talking about Asperger’s, I will learn not to fear it-and I will grow stronger.
- My stuttering does NOT define me. Neither should my autism!
If I can accept my stuttering, and I sure do, then I can accept being autistic. It won’t happen overnight, and it may not happen for a long time. But I am on the path to acceptance. A few years ago, I didn’t even think I could see a way forward. But now I can.
I never in my wildest dreams would have thought my stuttering would serve as a teacher, but it has shown me compassion, resilience, and heart. Those characteristics also serve to guide me forward as I learn about being autistic.
So in closing, there is only one thing left to say: from the outskirts of the nation’s capital, Stuttering’s Dark Angel is ready to rise!!!
Hello everyone! I would like to welcome you all to the ISAD 2023 Online Conference. Thank YOU so much for allowing us to share our experiences with you. I look forward to all your questions and can’t wait to share my insights. As always the pleasure was all mine. Respectfully yours, from the outskirts of the nation’s capital, Mr. Steven.
Steven, thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story. It always surprises me to know how cruel people, grown adults, can be. I am glad to hear you are stronger from your past and using your experiences to teach others who may be dealing with similar things as yourself.
I agree with what you have to say about titles… as a graduate student providing speech therapy, it often feels uncomfortable to place those titles on other people and even address them with older clients. I wish there were other ways to handle such things but I am happy to hear you don’t let it control you.
Thank you again for sharing!
I am so glad to have you not only as a member of our stuttering community but as a friend. Keep rising, Mr. Steven, the sky isn’t the limit!
Good evening Mr. Daniele! Thank you for sharing a comment and for reading my story. For as long as I have known you, you have shared the gift of creativity with our world and we as the stuttering community are so much better for it. With the debut of Franky Banky, not only have you provided children who stutter with a unique way to relate to the challenges they face, but your books have now been established as required reading for major colleges and universities. Your talents continue to take you places that we all want and need to visit. I eagerly look forward to seeing more of your contributions and no matter what, keep drawing because you have a vision you are bringing to reality! As always, the pleasure was all mine. Respectfully yours, Mr. Steven.
Steven, the first thing I noticed was your bio…”an autistic person who stutters” because I know your willingness to openly talk about it means a lot to you (after our conversation at the NSA conference). I appreciated learning more of your story…keep sharing it!
Good evening Miss Ana!
Thank you so much for reading my paper and for what you said. What I have been finding is that every time I talk about this, I feel myself becoming more confident and secure in how I approach the world. There definitely are many unique challenges being a person who stutters, but when you throw being autistic into the mix, it does seem like everything is magnified. And yes, I know that this may sound cliche because it has been said too many times, you really do have to accept yourself before others do. Yes, I may not go at the same rate that others do, but life isn’t a race. We all get to where we want to go eventually. I am so grateful that we could spend some time chatting in Broward County and I’ll definitely see you next year in St. Louis County! As always, the pleasure was all mine. Respectfully yours, Mr. Steven.
Mr. Steven, thank you so much for sharing your story with us! The title of your article really intrigued me and I had to know more! From just reading this article that you so willingly shared with us, I can feel from the words that you are a man that has went through many trials and tribulations. I applaud for you for how you always wanted to answer the questions in in high school and participate in classroom discussions, even if others felt uncomfortable about the way you spoke. I hope that those teachers and children that you went to school with can see you now and see what an amazing person and advocate you are for people who stutter and for those who have autism. I like your interpretation of how stuttering’s dark angel will rise! As a current graduate speech-language pathology student, I have some questions for you! When did you find out that you were on the spectrum. I know you expressed that when you found out about this diagnosis that you were not the happiest about it. Did you find that your recent diagnosis of being on the spectrum caused your stuttering to intensify or become more frequent? Thank you so much for sharing and for all the great work that you do!
Hello Miss Baylee,
Thank you for so much for your generous comments on my paper! I also think the spelling of your name is unique too. Your question can be answered many different ways. There had been some talk amongst my family that I might have been on the spectrum going back to high school, but it was never really discussed other than to say “Steven is…unique.” For many families, touchy topics hit a nerve and sometimes the easiest way to discuss is it….is to avoid it entirely. For a long time I really covered it up but it wasn’t until I entered “the professional working world” that it really started to become apparent to others: and of course, no one wants to tell you because they are afraid of hurting your feelings, etc. I remember watching a scene from HBO’s “The Newsroom” and Will McAvoy (played by Jeff Daniels) says “The first step to solving a problem is to realize there is one.” Even though I agree with that sentiment, I don’t like saying “I have a problem.” If you say “I have a challenge,” you allow yourself to reframe it and you can see things in a different perspective and know that there is hope available and something to look forward to. You asked if my stuttering was intensified, and I would say there was a great deal of prolonged difficulty. A lot of people often mistakenly think that if you are under stress or nervous, the situation will exacerbate your stuttering. But what I have noticed is that with acceptance does come a level of feeling secure in knowing who you are. Yes, I stutter and I am autistic. And I will always be that way. Ever since that meltdown, I am learning there is a lot to be grateful for and when you show the world the person you know you can be, a new chapter in your life opens. And that is one worth living. Thank YOU, Miss Baylee, and as always, the pleasure was all mine. Respectfully yours, Mr. Steven.
Steven, your paper is moving and I so appreciate your willingness to be yourself. When I think about it – you might be one of the most authentic people I have ever met. Like you said – what you see is what you get. I always enjoy reading your writings and when I think of our stuttering community I see you there, leading the charge as stutterings dark angel. The one and only, Mr. Steven.
Randy
Hello Mr. Randy!
I have to begin this post by saying that what you wrote actually made me so emotional with joy and I started crying. That is perhaps the best tribute I could give. Upon reading it, I thought of a post that one of my Facebook friends wrote a long time ago and I often revisit it when I have some of my toughest and difficult days. That is “You were born an original, don’t die a copy.” It can be so painfully difficult to be authentic and remain true to yourself because when you struggle you often question who you are and ask “Why I can’t be like everyone else?” The honest truth is if you show the world that you embrace who you are, others are going to notice and that feeling will spread like wildfire. I believe we all have the so-called “dealbreakers” in our lives, and if you ask a few people, I am sure you might hear that one of the biggest turnoffs is a person who is fake. People who understand and truly get you are the ones you want to ride in this life with. Thank you so much for what you wrote and I will mention that on my page too. I’m looking forward to seeing you in St. Louis County! As always the pleasure was all mine. Respectfully yours, Mr. Steven.
Thank you for sharing this, Steven. I appreciate your candor and authenticity, and how you are able to look at both the negative and positive sides of your identity. I am glad you are on the road to acceptance. Though some strides may be longer than others, it’s worth it to head in the right direction.
Hello Mr. Kory!
I am grateful that you stopped by to read my paper, and thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. Every day I think about this journey to acceptance, and although I do understand there are so many people who would say you should never look back, I feel it is important to do so because in order to be on the right path, the one that sets us free, we need to understand where we previously were. It can be so easy and prudent for some people to avoid a touchy topic because that way it never has to be addressed, but if you think about it, that doesn’t solve anything because nothing will change: it will be status quo a few months and even a year down the road. Every person I have ever met has some type of challenge and they decide what type of pace they want to go at. Some can accept things right away, others can take time, and some just choose to hide it somewhere in the hopes that it will never come to light. But when you reach that plateau where you can say with pride I am comfortable with who I am and what I stand for, the view is well worth seeing! As always, the pleasure was all mine. Respectfully yours, Mr. Steven.
Hi Steven,
Thank you for contributing to the ISAD conference and for being open and vulnerable. When you/we do that, we invite others to feel safe enough to share things about themselves too.
I admire that you are being open about both your stuttering and your autism. You are helping a lot of people, many that you will never know you have helped. That’s the beauty of being authentic. Just by being, and visible, and talking about that which we may have felt we could never talk about, changes things. You are changing things, Steven, and making a big difference.
Pam
Hello Miss Pam!
Thank you for so much for your very generous comments on my submission. One of the challenges that I have frequently faced over the last few years was a question that really made me stop in my tracks. I would be asked “Why can’t you learn to embrace autism in the same manner that you for your stuttering?” For the longest time, I would reply and say “It isn’t that simple” and then I would do anything to change the subject because it was too sensitive for me. But writing this submission has shown me that it is possible to accept something so difficult and maybe even learn to like it (!) As people who stutter like you and I are, we often analyze what stuttering has “given” to us. It has shown us empathy and compassion. It has shown us that we do have to work a little harder than others, but we have the same rights to sit at the table as everyone else does. Being on the spectrum has made me aware that I have qualities that can help me in different areas: I am very detail-oriented, I am observant, and I remember key things people say. I call it “the power of enhanced perception.” It really is all about how you choose to look at something. I hope by sharing my story maybe it will find someone: they may be at their lowest point, ready to wave the white flag, and I can reach out and tell them they don’t have to resort to doing that. I will be in St. Louis County and I hope you will be able to join us! As always, the pleasure was all mine. Respectfully yours, Mr. Steven.
Hello Mr. Steven,
Your comment about how stuttering has shown you a way of compassion, resilience, and heart really resonated with me. I am studying to be an SLP in the state of Idaho (which I hope is on your list of locations to give speeches at soon). I am learning that stuttering is less about learning techniques on how to be more fluent, and more about teaching our clients to have more compassion, resilience, and heart.
I wish you every success on your journey to take in all of what being autistic is. I have the privilege to work with kids on this amazing spectrum and I am in awe at their presence and envy the world they see that I cannot. I get glimpses of their world, and they get glimpses into mine. There are precious seconds where I can connect with them and then they go back to a world much more interesting than the one I see (at least that’s what it feels like).
Again, thank you for sharing, and may you continue to be Stuttering’s fiercest dark angel.
Hello Miss Diana!
Good evening from the outskirts of the nation’s capital! Thank you so much for your comments on my paper and I am very appreciative of what you said about it being a privilege to work with the kids on the “amazing spectrum” and that you are in awe of their presence. You wrote that you “envy the world they see that I cannot.” I have known people (and I will admit I used to be one of them) who made every effort to hide my autism because I was frightened. One of my favorite songs, “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls, illustrates my feelings: “I don’t want the world to see me, because I don’t think that they’d understand.” The children you are working with are giving you the honor of stepping into their world because there is trust and they see the ability that you have, the ability to look outside and see what they CAN do, not what they can’t. I hope you never take that for granted, and I am convinced that you never will. These children are giving you a gift. And it is a very special one too! By sharing my story, I am also doing that for others, and will continue to do so. Unfortunately I found out too late that the Idaho Speech-Language-Hearing Association conference passed because it is held this month, but Idaho is one of those states I want to speak at and I am going to reach out to them very soon to ask about 2024 next year. If I am offered the chance to present, I will do so, and I hope I’ll have the opportunity to meet you and your future SLPs in person! As always, the pleasure was all mine. Respectfully yours, Mr. Steven.
How can I close the ISAD online conference and not comment on your fantastic, open, heartful paper, Mr Steven. Your openness about stuttering and mental health is helping so many to feel they are not alone. Your share your journey and have your heart on your sleeve, but with that you’re saving lives and remind us all that there is so much to be grateful for, so many people who are doing good, that you might call yourself the Dark Knight, but your make people’s dark nights fade. I cannot say too often how proud I am of you. <3
Happy ISAD and keep talking, Mr Knight!
Your forever friend, Anita
Good evening Miss Anita! Thank you so much for your post: please accept my deepest apologies for the delay in response time, I just got back from a gala in Dallas and was quite exhausted. You mean so much to me and I want you to know that what YOU do, everything YOU have done for stuttering and beyond will always be forever remembered. YOU are one of the selfless and amazing people I know and I know you will never retire from sharing why stuttering is important and why it always matters. I hope one day you will return to an NSA conference because your presence makes everything! As always, the pleasure was all mine. Respectfully yours, Mr. Steven.
Hi, Mr. Steven,
I really appreciate you sharing your story. It is truly powerful and your raw honesty has touched my heart. I am a psychology student at Appalachian State University who is currently studying communication disorders and trying to learn as much as I can. I also happen to have ADHD that comes along with some serious anxious and depressive symptoms. I understand what it is like to feel like people don’t understand you because you are different. I’m a perfectionist, a procrastinator, and I process things more slowly than my peers. That combination can sometimes make for a classmate who no one really cares to work with.
I don’t know you personally, but it made me so proud to hear that you are learning to reframe your thoughts on your diagnosis and that you are coming to acceptance with it. Sometimes the most beneficial thing we can do for ourselves is to accept the things that make us unique and slowly eliminate our own internalized stigmas.
I am curious to know… aside from surrounding yourself with others within the stuttering community, what has helped you learn to be more comfortable with and accepting of your own stutter, and how might one translate similar strategies into accepting themselves as they are as someone on the spectrum?
Warmest, Alyssa
Good evening Miss Alyssa!
Thank you so much for sharing your feedback with me! Before I answer your question, I saw you were studying at Appalachian State University! I was a presenter this past April at the 2023 NCSHLA conference in Raleigh. I presented for two hours and you might have seen me in passing and not even known it. I enjoyed my time and there met so many wonderful people!
Your question was definitely thought provoking and I have to say that aside from surrounding myself with members of the stuttering community, something that really helped me accept my own stutter was relocating to the Washington DC area. I would like to explain this further: I spent most of my own early life growing up on Long Island, about 45 minutes east of NYC, and it was a very difficult time for me because the New York area as a whole isn’t very tolerant to those who are different when it comes to seeking job opportunities, and my stuttering created a lot of challenges for me. One of the things I had to realize was that the regular business world and the universe of corporate America would not accept my speech because I didn’t “fit into the box,” so to speak. After really struggling for so long, I came to the conclusion that if I was going to get my life started, it would have to be somewhere else. As someone who works for the federal government, I can tell you that I have colleagues who have disabilities like I do, some are more worse, but all they want is a chance to work and be a productive member of society. That’s all any of us should strive for. Where I live, I am free to be me, and that matters significantly. The nation’s capital gave me an opportunity and I am going to be here for a long while.
If there is someone who is on the spectrum and they are having a great deal of difficulty, I would recommend you go somewhere where you will feel safe and welcome. I happened to do research online and there are some cities that autism-friendly, such as Los Angeles and Philadelphia. But what matters is that wherever you go, YOU feel secure in who you are.
Thank you so much, Miss Alyssa! Stay focused and keep climbing! And as always, the pleasure was all mine.
Respectfully yours,
Mr. Steven.