About the Author: Mary Wood is a member of the Canadian Stuttering Association, and has presented papers in Canada, the United States, Great Britain and Europe.  She has written a book entitled “Beyond the Fear of Stuttering:  My Journey to Self Acceptance and Freedom”.

What I’m going to share with you is my truth. It has allowed me to go beyond the fear – the immense fear that was a large part of my life for many years. The immense fear that held me back from doing what I want to do, saying what I want to say.

Let me tell you a little bit about where I come from. I’ve stuttered since I’ve been about 3 years old. I was a covert stutterer and had many ways to think that I hid it.  I had stuttered for almost 50 years when, On January 21, 1989, I went to a seminar that taught me how important our thoughts are. What I hold in my thoughts manifests in my life – within and without. On the way home from the seminar that day, I knew that there was hope for me (interesting that the “me” part came first) and my speech.  

I came home from that seminar focusing on fluency, wanting to be a perfect 100% fluent speaker. Then one morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and asked why I didn’t like to stutter. The answer was there immediately: I thought someone wouldn’t like me if I stutter. This was where this immense fear came from

For many years, I had been focusing on my stuttering, wanting it to go away.  I wanted to be fluent…… all the time.  Now I realized that stuttering was just the tip of the iceberg, and it was what was beneath the stuttering that was calling for my attention.  I realized that one size does not fit all.  One method of speech therapy that just focuses on the stuttering was not going to work for me.  I had to go deeper than that.  From that point on, my focus has been self-acceptance. Loving and accepting me, whether I stutter or not,….moving beyond this fear. The fear of rejection. The fear of not being loved and accepted.

The fear of rejection is one of our deepest human fears.  We fear being seen in a critical way.  Here are a couple of definitions of fear:  Fantasized experience appearing real.  Faith that the wrong thing is going to happen.

I started to look at what thoughts I was thinking. We have about 60,000 thoughts a day, and about 75% of them are negative and are the same thoughts we had the day before – no wonder we get tired, stressed, and angry. Both sides of everything are always here – the positive and the negative. Every moment of every day we make a choice what we want to think about. When we know we have this choice, then we cannot call ourselves victims any more.

To go beyond our fear, we have to take action. It doesn’t have to be one giant leap for mankind. It can be tiny baby steps. Speaking to someone at the bus stop, making a phone call we really don’t want to make, asking for what we really want to eat. Keep a victory journal. Write down all the little steps you are taking. 

Look forward to change – be persistent – never give up. Change is inevitable. When you change one letter in the word “change,” you get the word “chance.” That’s what change is all about. A chance to grow, to learn, to laugh, to love, to be who you really are. That’s what stuttering is for me. The biggest learning lesson I’ve ever had – so far. When I look at it as a lesson, then the fear starts to go away. Every one and everything in our lives is here for us to learn from.

I was surprised to learn that stuttering could also become my comfort zone.  I used it as an excuse not to attend university – not to stand and speak what was on my mind – not to meet new people.  The fear of the unknown, what might be expected of us, is greater than the bad relationship/experience that we’re having.

This might seem strange, but I started to look at what payoffs I might be getting from being a PWS.  How many times did I use stuttering as an excuse not to try something new, not to go back to school, not to meet new people?  I’m inviting you to look at the payoffs coming from staying in your comfort zones.  It’s important not to look at this from a place of blame or shame or any of those negative places, but from a place of awareness, and learning, and acceptance.

Fear is a state of mind.  Fear is a negative thought that we have about who we are, a situation where our self-esteem is not where it should be.  When I read this definition of fear, suddenly this “thing” that was present every day of my life had a name.  It didn’t seem so formidable and hopeless.  

We want to change our lives, but we don’t want to make changes. One of the definitions of insanity is – expecting different results while doing the same old thing, singing the same old song.

How many of us sing the same old song that we’ve sung a thousand times before – most of the time it’s a sad song. Why do we keep singing it? Because it gets us the attention we think we need. It allows us to hang onto our victim image, to stay in the blame state of mind, to stay in our comfort zone. But it’s always self-defeating because we’re hiding behind these thoughts. We’re escaping from being fully present, from being responsible for who we are.

When I started to look at my feelings, I found out stuttering was not the problem. It’s how I felt about it and how I felt about me – mostly me. Do we acknowledge how we feel? Do we know it’s okay to have the feelings we have? And so we squish (I love that word) these feelings down until we don’t know they’re there any more. How can we release something when we don’t know it’s there.

It’s important to know that what someone else thinks about us has nothing to do with who we are, but… What we think about ourselves has everything to do with who we are.

What you think about me is really what you think about you. I’ve just finished reading “the four agreements” by don Miguel Ruiz.  The second agreement is “don’t take anything personally.” Big lesson for a person who stutters! If someone makes fun of you, or says something negative about stuttering, it’s not about you – it’s about them. It’s their perception of who you are. It doesn’t have to be yours. But….. We take it personally because we agree with whatever was said. As soon as we agree, we’re trapped in this belief.

What someone says, what someone does, and the opinions they give are according to their beliefs, to the agreements they’ve made with themselves.  think that someone else knows more about who we are than we do, and so we take what they say about us to be the truth of who we are.

When we take things personally, we feel offended and our reaction is to defend our beliefs and create conflicts. What does all this have to do with stuttering, you might ask. The fear of rejection was a large part of stuttering.  I’ve also come to realize that stuttering was only one of the ways that fear manifested in my life. Stuttering was maybe the most noticeable. The other parts were hidden – and are still hidden some days – deep within.

So…… How can we go beyond this fear?

We can help others. We’re not learning all this “good stuff” to keep it locked up inside. We have to share it – we have to be it. When you hang onto something so tight, then it withers and it dies. You are wonderful, caring, creative, loving souls. Share some of this. Give it away –

When we help others, we forget about ourselves, our fears, and we think about what we can do for them. When I stop worrying about if you’re going to like what I say, and I focus on how I can help you, what I can say that will let you know how special you are, then the fear goes away.

Let go of the past! Carrying the past with us is always more burdensome than any mistake we have made. Any energy we invest in reliving or resenting the past detracts from “now.” Resenting someone allows them to live rent free in your head.

Move beyond the fear – have an attitude of gratitude. Say “thank you” for what you have – don’t moan and groan about what you don’t have. There is no lack of anything. The only lack is in our thinking. Fluency is here, just like stuttering. If everything starts with thought, then does stuttering – or fluency – also start with thought? I believe it does. (that should start some interesting interaction.)

Thank yourself at the end of the day for the things you’ve done. Never, never, never give up on you. You are oh so worthy, oh so capable, oh so loved and lovable. When the fear starts to go away, you’ll find that you have the answers for you.

When human beings appeared on the planet, a group of gods got together and decided to play a game. “Let’s hide the secret of life” one suggested. Great idea, another agreed, where shall we hide it?  At the top of the highest mountain, one proposed. No responded another, people will climb the highest mountain.  How about at the bottom of the ocean, asked another. No, they will invent submarines.

On and on the gods pondered, trying to find a suitable hiding place. Finally, one god had a bright idea.  “I know,” he exclaimed, “Let’s hide the secret of life inside each person – they’ll never think to look there.”

We need to look at the fear to go beyond the fear.

I attended a conference in Chicago in 1995 – the theme for the day was the gift of stuttering – never in my whole life did I ever think I’d say that. I realized my gift didn’t come wrapped in shiny silver paper with a big red bow. It came wrapped in many layers of plain brown wrapping. As I peel away the layers, I find the gift. The gift is to know the love I’ve been searching for is always with me – it always has been and it always will be.

Stuttering is my greatest lesson – so far. When I started to look at it this way – turn it around – then I started to go beyond the fear. Learning from stuttering and the fear enables me to be on this awesome journey that I’m on.

Know that it is okay to be who you are today – not who you might be tomorrow – but who you are today. Search for and speak your own truth, no matter what anyone else says or thinks. Listen for your own answers. Look to others for help, support and ideas, and then take only what feels good for you at the time and moment. Be so honest with yourself about this. Focus on the moment and not on the outcome, and the fear will disappear. When you go beyond the fear, you will find the love that is there.

My wish for you – may you speak your own words, may you sing your own song, and may you know that you are always loved.