How do you measure success?
As a person who stutters myself, I went years being quiet and taking a backseat to things I really wanted to do in life. I am open now about my stuttering and sometimes look back at my stuttering career. I realize that for a long time I allowed stuttering to highjack my personality and pretended that I was ok with it. Now, I feel free of the deep shame I once had, and feel I am more ME than I’ve ever been. That was the liberation I needed. Now, when I stutter a lot or get caught in a momentary block, I can say, “Wow, I stuttered really well there, huh?” 😊
My question is: what have you considered successful on your stuttering journey? Many PWS feel that stuttering is shameful, and may not think of anything good. What is success to you as a person who stutters?
Hi, Pam. Thanks for the interesting questions.
I’ve changed a great deal in my views on this topic over the years and decades. For a long time I was obsessed with achieving consistent fluency through intensive practice of fluency shaping techniques. During those years, from my early 30’s to my late 40’s, I measured success of my conversational interactions with how fluent they happened to be.
But I totally changed my views on this a couple of decades ago, as I started to accept myself calmly and peacefully as a person who just happens to stutter, that’s all. Once I gave up the obsession of trying to transform myself into a fluent speaker, I started viewing “success” in a very different way.
I realize now that judging this through the sole prism of fluency/disfluency was not only very narrow, but was also not in accordance with the best interests of my life happiness or life satisfaction.
Now, I view a successful conversational interaction in this way: If I manage to convey the ideas that I wish to express, if I express them effectively with good choices of words, if I participate meaningfully in conversation with worthwhile things to say, then that is a successful conversational interaction. How my fluency/disfluency happens to be, I don’t much care. It’s nice to be fluent, but if I’m not – and almost always I’m not – well, so what? We can be excellent communicators of ideas, or we can strive for this goal, even if we happen to stutter.
Fluency and success in communicating ideas are two very different concepts, a realization that it took quite a while for me to reach.
Thank you Paul. I too took a long time to realize that communication does not mean fluency. It’s very interesting how things change so much as we continue on our joutneys.
Hi Paul,
I think it’s really great how you view success, and how it’s changed so much for you over the past few years! Conveying your ideas that you want to express, and participating meaningfully in a conversation are the two biggest things when having a successful conversation with someone. It is very inspiring to read about how accepting you are towards yourself when having a conversation, regardless whether the conversation was fluent or not. It’s very easy to point out the negative, especially when it is towards ourselves. It’s very encouraging knowing that you stay positive during interactions.
Hey Pam!
For many years I was sure that success was “not to blow my cover” ans come across as fluent.
In the last two decades success for me is saying what I want to say, no matter how.
I love that expression “blow my cover.” I felt that way too, but didn’t use such a good description. I didn’t want my stuttering to come out, but also didn’t want to appear deceitful, especially in college and at work.
Hi Pam
I’ve tried to be quiet for years, pretended I was mute, didn’t raise my hand in school, etc. But as my stutter was severe, as soon as I opened my mouth, it was there. I couldn’t fake being fluent, as my stutter was way too severe, so my only option was to not talk at all. Today I think my biggest win is that people know me. Because I stutter. They remember me. Not as the poor girl who stutters, but as the strong woman who stutters, who speaks up at meetings, who talks to teachers and students, who raises awareness in the media, who has life experience to share with and support others. My stutter is no longer my weakness. It’s my strength. And your voice is a great support to others as well, and I thank you for that. <3
Keep talking
Anita
Thank you Anita. It seems there’s definitely something to “girl power.” We take our power back.
Hi Pam,
That’s a great question. My story is very similar to yours. I too, had lots of shame and embarrassment around my stutter. I spent most of my life being covert and only began addressing my stutter when I was in my forties. Seventeen years later, success for me is stuttering more while caring less. I don’t mean that to sound glib. It has taken me a lot of soul searching, trial and error and the support of the stuttering community to get to that point, but yes, stuttering more and caring less is where I am at now
Thank you Veronica – I think I finally reached the point, and age, that I didn’t care anymore as well. It takes far less energy to just stutter! 😊
Thanks for your question Pam!
I define success as doing things that used to scare me, whether or not I stutter.
For example, I recently started a new job where I have to answer the phone, and as someone who stutters, the phone is quite scary to me.
And, yes, I occasionally stutter on the phone, but I don’t judge the success of a phone call based on whether I stutter or not, but rather on whether I am able to help and serve the person on the other end of the phone.
It took me several years to get to this point but now I thoroughly enjoy not having to worry about stuttering.
Hey Bevin,
You’ve taken on a lot of challenges at a young age that many many people who stutter won’t. Most people who stutter hate the phone (I did) but your attitude is refreshing, that you’re happy that you can help and serve the person on the other end of the phone.
You have a long career ahead of you advocating for, and helping those who have not foind thier voice yet.
Thank you.
Pam, if we can speak with anyone without the fear and trepidation that once prefixed our personal interactions with other people then to my mind that’s the ultimate measure of success.
I think measuring success by achieving the goal of the conversation or the interaction with audience instead of focussing on stuttering or the number of blocks or the number of stuttered words would be a good approach. When I was younger and I had to do oral presentations in the front of the classroom, if I stuttered, I thought it was a failure. Many years later, I know that my stutter will not disappear and if I do a presentation (ex. : in the workplace) and I presented the information that I want to tell, that’s fine 🙂