Support: Helpful vs. Hurtful/Harmful
Hello everyone!
My name is Lillie VanSickle and I am a graduate student at Stephen F. Austin State University. I am currently enrolled in a fluency class and it was been so interesting to learn about stuttering more in depth and learn how to support people who stutter and their families. What I have learned through various clinical practicums is that many SLPs feel like they are not doing enough to support their clients who stutter. I love that this is a space with people from all over the world who have had different experiences. So, I am interested in the experiences you have had. As someone who is in school to help people with communication- I want to support people in the ways they want to be supported. However, sometimes when we haven’t had a lived experience, we may say things while trying to be supportive that are hurtful/harmful instead of helpful. I have two questions:
1). What is a positive experience you’ve had with someone supporting you with your stutter? (It can be a stranger in the grocery store, a family member, friend, or anyone else! )
2). What was something someone has said to you about stuttering that they thought would be helpful, but was actually hurtful/harmful?
Hi Lillie! Thank you for your questions.
In response to your first question, I have had many positive experiences with people in terms of my stutter but one that is very memorable for me is on my first day of College. I was really nervous being in a situation where you don’t know anyone and are going very far outside of your comfort zone. In our first class of the semester, we were all asked to draw a picture of something that represents us and we were asked to stand up and do a quick presentation on what we drew. When it came to my turn, I stood up and before I spoke, I told the class that I had a stutter and I heard someone say something along the lines of “it’s all good buddy”, and I found it to be very comforting to have someone say that to me. It made me less nervous to stutter in front of everyone.
For your second question, I have had many people tell me to “take my time”, especially when in the middle of a block. So often people will assume we are nervous and just need to slow down for our fluency to improve. It can get pretty frustrating when we are told this. Something else that I have been told by people is “I don’t even notice it!” after talking about my speech with someone. Sometimes it can feel like people are trying to make me feel better about myself and my speech, but it can sometimes be neglectful and patronizing.
Matt
Hi Lillie. A big thank you for your interest to learn about stuttering in depth, and for your question on how to give support, as that’s exactly why we’re here, sharing our experiences.
I wrote a paper for this conference with Q&A that I received throughout the years (do have a read 🙂 ) and your observation about SLPs feel they are not doing enough is mentioned there as well.
1) My youth was not an easy one, as stuttering was not accepted, was said to be something shameful and should be gone or hidden, and bullying was OK because I stuttered and should simply stop. I tried to leave this earth, but luckily didn’t succeed. My father got me a summer job, and I still remember that moment when a client came to ask me a question, I answered, and he said “is your supervisor around so I can ask him instead” and my supervisor who heard that saying “i don’t have time and she knows just as much as I do”. Wow. Me, who was told I wasn’t good enough, I wouldn’t have a future, a job, a family, as I stuttered. His words changed the way I saw myself. No longer being a failure, but someone with knowledge and worth listening to. I’ve been headhunted for most of my jobs since. Also my first boyfriend, and later my husband, telling me they didn’t care about my stutter, as they like me, including everything about me.
2. Oh this list is long… As people want to help, which is nice in a way, but it would be helpful if they, instead of assuming what’s helpful, ask me. As we’re all individuals and want help with different things. I for example don’t like it when people fill in my words when I have a block. As I can talk, they just need to wait for it. Filling in my words feels like I’m not able to, or don’t know . (I did use that when I moved to another country and was learning a new language and got stuck on words 😉 ) But I know of PWS who do want that help. I don’t like it if people don’t look into my eyes, as that makes me feel they are elsewhere with their thoughts. But I also know some people don’t like eye contact when they are in a block. Getting advice on “you don’t have to be nervous” is only telling me that they think I’m nervous, while saying this instead makes me nervous. Or “take a deep breath”. Well thank you. I never thought my stuttering would be gone if I’d breath… So my advice to my listener is: just speak and listen to me as you would do with others. Just add a little patience to it, and listen to WHAT I’m saying, instead of HOW I’m saying it. As I might say something that’s worth waiting for. 😉
I also gave some advice in my paper in this conference, so feel free to have a read. 🙂
Keep them talking and happy ISAD
Anita
“Sure I stutter, what are you good at?” (c)