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I stutter and I have a son who stutters.
Growing up I never had a feeling I was being heard. My parents had the best of intentions. They tried to help me by finishing my sentences, by assuming that they knew what I needed, without ever asking or listening to me. That made me feel like what I had to say didn’t matter. I didn’t matter. I was not worthy.
When my son started stuttering at the age of 3 it was my worst nightmare coming true. My experiences growing up shaped my thoughts and beliefs regarding stuttering in a very negative way. So, I wasn’t able to help him. I was overwhelmed with fear because of the challenges he will have to face. I had guilt and shame because I felt I „gave“ him the stutter, anger and rage because „Why him?!“… It was so much in my head that I wasn’t able to listen to him.
Soon I realized that his speech was getting worse. I had to make some changes. So I started working on myself, trying to change my beliefs regarding stuttering in order to be able to accept my son with his stutter.
But, first I had to accept my own stutter and the fact that I will stutter for the rest of my life and that it is ok. Maybe he will also stutter for the rest of his life and that is ok too!
Going through that process everything changed for my son and me. Both of us became much more fluent. I was finally able to see my son for all the wonderful things he is, regardless of his stutter.
I finally began to listen to him. Not how he is talking, but what he is talking about. Showing my true interest in him, his confidence grew. Today he is almost 15, and still stutters, but that is not stopping him in any way. He has a feeling that he can do anything.
Parents have an incredible influence on their children. This is even more evident if the child stutters.
Vesna,
Thank you for sharing about your story! I thought that as a person who stutters it would be easier to raise a child who stutters, but I have learned more from your perspective about the difficulties that come along with this! I understand how your own past experiences and guilt shaped how you felt about having a son who stutters. Although it was difficult to navigate at first, you have empowered yourself and your son by accepting yourself. What a great impact you have made on yourself and your son!
Thank you so much for your beuatiful, encouraging comment! For me it is amazing to see how much impact as parents we have on our children. As long as I was refusing to accept my own stutter and fighting it, my son’s speech was getting worse. That was a huge motivation for me to change something, to help myself in order to help my child. I like to say that my son and I helped each other. The acceptance and letting go of fear changed everything. If you need any kind of help or just neex to talk to somebody, please feel free to contact me!
Vesna,
Thank you so much for sharing this eye-opening story! It was amazing to see the perspective of a parent who stutters raising a child who stutters and how it affected you physically and emotionally. I am so happy to hear that you and your son have grown in confidence together!
Thank you, Alayna, for your kind words! It was a difficult path, when my son started stuttering that was horrible for me. For few months I was completely consumed by his speech, or, better to say, by my own fear, guilt and shame. But, both of us came a long way since then and I am so very proud of him!
Hey Vesna,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am a speech therapy grad student currently learning about fluency and about those who stutter. I was wondering, what advice would you to give to other person who stutters, whether they are adults or children, about accepting themselves and their speech?
Thank you for your question! I am so happy to see your enthusiasm about your future job! First of all, regarding children I think that the most important thing is that parents are ok, that they are able to accept their child’s stutter without being afraid for the future of their child and without feelings of guilt or shame.
For me as an adult who stutters, the feeling of shame was always there and it was holding me back. That feeling of shame includes fear of what other people will think of me, fear of being rejected if I show my true self, etc. Stepping out of my confort zone was the key to deal with shame. I started talking to other people about my stutter. I NEVER did that before! I realised that other people do not care about my stutter, they like me for me! Imagine that! And if there are people who do not have patience to hear me out, I do not need them in my life! Thar was so liberating! Now, when I block, I just say openly that I stutter and that helps me and relaxes the other person.
Another very important thing for me was looking at the wider picture of my life and the role that stuttering played. Psychotherapy helped me a lot. I realised that stuttering helped me become a person I am today, I am a good listener, I have a lot understanding and compassion for people who are in any way different, I became aware of the strength I needed to “survive”, I realised that stuttering even protected me in some stages of my life. And because of my own experiences with stutter, I was able to help my son.
And that brings me to another very important thing for me and that was finding gratitude for my stutter and that finally led me to complete acceptance.
I hope this will be helpful for you!
Thanks for your inspiration sharing as PWS and parent, especially with how you overcome the negatives…
There was discussion in my support group about worry if children will inherit our stutter. We did not go deep into that topic, nor reach a consensus. I half jokingly said that, at least I know stutter than other disabilities. My parents also did not used some counterproductive methods to “help” me, and the society made me feel pity as PWS. Therefore, I believe we have strength in terms of knowledge, of the pitfall of nurturing children who stutter. Meanwhile, we also need to heal ourselves through, for example, psychotherapy as you have mentioned.
Thank you so much for your comment! I agree with everything you wrote!
I was also so scared that I will pass on my stuttering on to my children. When I was pregnant with my son I was so worried that my husband used to tell me to stop obsessing. So, when he started stuttering the feeling of guilt was overwhelming! It took me a while to realise that those negative feelings are neither good for my son or for me. I worked through psychotherapy on looking on my life and the role that stuttering played in me becoming who I am today. And starting to love myself and finding gratitude, because this was my path and it is my son’s. He has opportunity to grow in the unique way. I am here to help him.
And you are so right when you say that we have knowledge to help our children deal with stuttering! That is priceless!
Hi Vesna!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Feeling like you are not being heard is a difficult feeling to have I can imagine! It is incredible that you found that self-confidence to help yourself, others, and importantly your son. He is so lucky to have you! Hearing how your son’s confidence grew by you listening to him, not how he was talking but what he was talking about, is incredible to hear. Thank you for sharing with us how important it is to really listen and how much parents have an impact on their kids.
Thank you so much for your kind words! It really is nice to be heard. My childhood experiences shaped me and made me scared, ashamed and angry, so I had to change my old thoughts and beliefs regarding stuttering in order to help my son. You are so right: the impact that we as parents have on our children is huge.
Hi Vesna!
Thank you for sharing your story. I was moved to read that you saw something that needed to change and made a conscious effort to show up for yourself and your child. That is incredible! I am a speech therapy graduate student, and I was wondering if there is any information that you would like me to carry over into my professional practice when I work with parents of children who stutter.
Thank you!
I am so happy to see a speech therapy graduate student with so much interest in the stuttering!
I have so many information for the parents of the children who stutter!
First of all, from my own experience, it is very important that the parents are OK, maybe it is the most important thing. Being OK means that they don’t feel fear or guilt or shame or anxiety when they hear their child stutter. That requires the shift in the mindset changing the way they see stuttering.
I noticed that my son’s stuttering was getting worse when I was in this negative state of mind, being afraid for him, feeling guilt and shame and anger… Why did that effect him so much?
I remember my mother when I was a stuttering child. I could see all of her emotions on her face. Nobody knows mother’s face better then her child. I could read her dissapointment and sadness and that was so difficult. It was my fault that she was feeling so bad, if only I tried harder, if only I was better, but I wasn’t, I failed. That made my stuttering worse and didn’t help with my confidence. I didn’t want that for my son. When I was able to move focus from the way he was speaking to the content everything changed for both of us. Accepting him with his stutter was the most important part.
Also, there are other things like not trying to help your child by finishing his sentences, by telling him to slow down and to take a deep breathe (If it was that simple nobody would stutter!), also keeping the eye contact to make sure that he knows he is being heard and that what he is saying is important to us. It is important for the child’s self esteem to listen with interest.
I hope this helps you! Please do not hesitate to contact me if you need any further information!
“When my son started stuttering at the age of 3 it was my worst nightmare coming true.” I can only imagine the anxiety this must have instilled in you. But your story was so powerful as you reflect on the shift in your own mindset that had to take place in order for you to truly accept and help your son.
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Thank you so much for your comment! The shift in the mindset was the most important thing I did for my son and myself. It was so difficult to accept the possibility that he will continue to stutter, but it made all the diffirence to him. I can not stress enough how important this is, how important is the emotional state of the parents for the child. This goes for all the children and their parents, not just in the situation when child stutters.
I really appreciated the depth and honesty in your story about raising a son who stutters. Your journey from struggling with your own stutter to learning how to truly listen to your son was powerful. It highlighted how accepting your own stutter allowed you to connect better with him and support his confidence. This really deepened my understanding of the role that parental acceptance and active listening play in the lives of children who stutter. How do you think other parents can begin this journey of acceptance and support?
Hi Annet! Thank you for your comment and your question!
This journey of acceptance and support is the most important thing for child, the best thing that parents can do for their child (for all children, not just those who stutter). First of all, parent maybe can check what are his/her feelings and beliefs regarding stuttering. Usually this is the starting point. If the parent feels fear for the child or feel guit or shame or anger or whatever, the child will fell it too. He will not be able to understand what it is that he senses and so he will probably conclude that there is something wrong with him, with the way he speaks. If possible, parents should try to find positive sides of stuttering. I think that a very good place to start is to listen to the stories of people who stutter and who are happy and successfull, because this will help them to see stuttering in the different light. Understanding that their child is not limited by stuttering and that their child can lead happy and productive life could help.
Also, it is important to listen to the child with interest, not to correct him/her, not to say to slow down or take a breathe, to keep an eye contact to let the child know that he/she is important to the parent.
I think this is a good way to start!
If you need any help or further information, please contact me!
Vesna, thank you for sharing your story! It was interesting hearing about a child’s experience and journey with stuttering from a mother’s perspective. It is truly inspiring that you came to accept that fact that you and your son may stutter for the rest of your lives and that that’s okay! You serve as such a wonderful role model for your child, helping him to be confident in himself and to see that he can achieve whatever he puts his mind to. I am a speech therapy graduate student and was wondering if you have any advice for me on how to best handle conversations with parents who may feel guilty about their child’s stuttering? I have heard about clinicians facing parents of patients who deal with feelings of guilt, but have never encountered this situation, myself. I certainly would strive to help alleviate or eliminate these feelings. Thanks, again!
Hi Carol! Thank ypu for your question and it is really important question!
I think it is very common that parents feel guilty about their child’s stutter. It is such a toxic emotion for them and for their child. There are some genetic components to the stuttering, but it is still not clear or explained.
The usually guilt comes from the parent’s need or expectation to protect the child. If the child stutters they failed as parents.
It is not possible to protect the child from life. The trigger for stuttering can be anything or nothing. I feel that it is important to empower parents by informing them about the facts about stuttering. And also in pointing them to all the things they are doing for their child and that the support and love for their child is the most precious gift they can give to the child! Another precious gift for the child is that they are ok.
I have struggled a lot myself with feelings of guilt and shame when my son started to stutter. But changing peerspective about stuttering helped me to accept my own stutttering and my son’s as part of our interesting and unique life experinece. When I was finally able to see stuttering as a blessing instead of a curse, I was able to let go of the guilt and shame. Psychotherapy helped me.
I hope you will find some useful information in my reply! I am so happy to see your interest and effort to help parents, because they really need that!
Hi Vesna
I’m a person who stutters. When my daughter dated a guy whose mother stutters, she asked me about genetics. I asked her if she was worried to have a child who stutters. And she said “Yes, as you’ll be the know-it-all/besserwisser”. 😉 And yet, even as parents we don’t know it all and are still trying to find out what’s best for our children. I’m happy you found your path.
Keep them talking
Anita
Hi Anita!
Thank you for your comment!
I definitely agree, as parents we are learning all the time, but I think that the most important thing is to be there to support and love our children. And if the child stutters to make sure the child knows that he/she is not limited by the stuttering, that it is just something special and unique about him/her.
Hi Vesna! Thank you for sharing your experience. As a mother myself your story really resonated with me because our children make us better versions of ourselves. Like you said, parents have an incredible influence on their children, and they learn to either accept or feel shameful about things we accept or feel shameful about. I’m so glad you both have each other. There is nothing like the power of a mother’s love and there’s nothing like the power of a child’s love. Wishing you both the best!
Hi Davida! Thank you so much for your heartwarming comment! You are so right that our children can make us the better versions of ourselves, I love that! They are truely our teachers. I can tell that your children are lucky to have you as their mother. Have a great day!
Hi Vesna,
Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share that story! I love it when say that once you made changes in your life you stopped focusing on how your son was talking and started to focus on what he was talking about. Children look up to their parents and tend to get a lot of their behaviors from them, so it was amazing to see that you wanted the best for your child and that you changed how you viewed yourself to be a positive role model for your son shows a lot about your character! Thanks for sharing
Thank you so much for your beautiful comment! I agree with everything you written. Our children are always looking and copying us. You can not hyde from your child, the child knows his/her mother, her face and body reactions better then anybody else. So, it really is important for the child that mother is ok. For me being ok meant accepting my stutter. Then my son was ok too.
Thank you again!
Hello, Vensa. Thank you so much for sharing your story and ultimately what helped you and your son with your stutters. As a SLP graduate student, we learn how important parent education is and how parents are their children’s biggest supporters! Reading about how you first had to come to terms with your own stutter was eye opening and something that will guide my parent education in the future. In order to truly accept your child and their stutter, you must first come to terms with it yourself. Thank you, again!
Hello! Thank you for you comment, it meant so much to me!
I learned from my education for psychotherapy, but even more from my personal experience how important it is for a child that parents are ok. If parents are scared or ashamed or feeling guilty or whatever because their child stutters, the child will sense that. I experienced that with my parents. I took their fear, shame, guilt, anger and so on inside of me and convinced myself that there was something very wrong with me if I stutter. I became full of fear and shame. Child doesn’t understand what is happening with his parents, just senses that there is something wrong.
I think that it is important for parents to see what are their beliefs regarding stuttering, what do they think about people who stutter or what do they think about themselves (if they stutter as well) and educate them about stuttering. It would help them to see how many people have successfull lives even if they stutter. If you can lift the fear they have for their child, they will be much better support.
I am so happy to see SLP graduate student so passionate about this topic! Thank you!