 About the Author:I’m Liv, a 27 year old person who stammers and also has ADHD. I spent most of my life feeling ashamed of my stammer and trying to hide it. Now I stammer openly, have just attended a youth exchange for people who stammer and want to use my experience to help others live free of shame and live the life they want, knowing that their stammer doesn’t need to stop them from doing that. |
Healing from shame through the power of listening – Growing up.
Growing up, I felt like I had to hide my stammer. It wasn’t discussed at home, except when my parents would comment ‘your stammer is terrible’, which made me feel deeply ashamed.
I dreaded giving presentations at school because I was worried people would judge me for stammering. Although no one ever did, I still felt that what I had to say wasn’t worth listening to.
My teachers at school believed my stammer needed fixing so they sent me for speech therapy which only focused on breathing techniques, but did nothing to address the shame I felt about stammering. My teachers also told me I was rude for not being able to answer them properly when they asked how I was, as the only word I felt comfortable saying was ‘yeah’, which just made me feel worse. My parents also told me that no one would wait for me and would often finish my sentences for me, so I didn’t feel that I was worth listening to.
Because of this, I stopped speaking for a while, because I thought that was safer, as I was so ashamed of stammering.
I eventually felt so bad that I’d planned how to end my life. Thankfully I didn’t go through with it as I found friends who did wait for me and who always listened to what I had to say. As a result, I realized that I didn’t need to be ashamed anymore and it really is okay to stammer. I never believed I was worth listening to until a friend said to me ‘but why wouldn’t people wait’? This instantly changed something for me and made me question the belief I’d held that no one would wait. Other friends gently encouraged me to keep talking even when I felt like I had nothing to say.
Joining the stammering community and attending the youth exchange this year only re-confirmed this. Being in a community where you know people will listen to you and wait is the most wonderful feeling of all, because you know everyone understands what it’s like to stammer! As people who stammer, we can believe that what we have to say isn’t worth listening to, but I promise every single person who stammers has something valuable to say and is absolutely worth being listened to, so keep talking, even if you’ve been taught that silence is safer! .
Hi Liv, thanks for sharing your experience and encouraging others with your journey. I am curious what helped you find good friends and/or what advice you’d have for others to locate good friends who value what you say and can encourage you?
Hi Megan, thank you so much for your kind words! In terms of finding good friends who listened, for me, finding a musical theatre group was something that really helped as I loved it and found an incredibly supportive community there. Also joining the stammering community helped me to feel less isolated as I finally found other people who stammer and share my experience. So I’d say find something you love to do, then find a group of people who also love the same thing, whether online or in person, also join the stammering community if you haven’t already.
The people who showed me I was worth listening to though apart from the stammering community, were people I met online through a roleplaying game. They’d never met me in person before, yet they always listened to me and allowed me to take my time when speaking.
Thanks for sharing, Liv! I know that your story resonates with many. I wish that every teacher could read this and know the harm they create with children who stutter. I admire your resilience!
Rita
Hi Rita, thank you so much! It’s so important to listen to people so they actually feel understood instead of judged, and that’s what people helped me to feel in the end, and now I want others to know how it feels like to be listened to.
Hi Liv, thank you for sharing your journey! Your journey is inspiring, as you explained your gradual emergence from silence to your newfound confidence in your voice. Your resilience is inspiring, and you should be so proud of yourself! I enjoyed how you focused on the power of listening. I also loved hearing about the positive impact of having friends and a supportive community who genuinely value your words and perspectives. Anyone who has struggled with self-doubt will find this paper both relatable and empowering. It offers a valuable reminder that our voices are worth hearing and that we deserve to be listened to! Thanks again for sharing!
Emma
Hi Emma, thank you so much for these words! I really appreciate them! It felt safer living in shame and silence for many years as it was protecting me from the rejection I thought I would experience. Worse though was the self rejection I experienced through hiding, and when I finally broke my silence and stoped living in shame, I found so many people who listened to me, and I could finally be my authentic self. Not listening to people, especially children, can cause so much harm. Everybody, no matter how they speak, is worth listening to
Hi Liv, your journey from shame to self-acceptance is inspiring, and it’s a reminder that every voice deserves to be heard. I’m so happy that the involvement with the community has done so much for you. Thank you for sharing your experience so openly… it will no doubt help others feel less alone and more empowered to speak up! Best wishes, Gina
Thank you Gina! All I want is for people to feel less alone and to know that they are worth being listened to, no matter how they talk.
Hello Liv, I would like to thank you for sharing your story. I was honored to read it and to find out how every single comment, the positive and negative one, influenced you. It is really important to show the world how big of an impact can have the power of other people’s opinions. I believe that every experience in our lives teaches us something new and useful but we have to learn from it just like you did. Everyone can learn something from your story and see that no matter what, you should never give up on yourself or anyone else. If someone doesn’t appreciate you find the one who will and remember that you are important no matter what it may seem to you. I hope your story will reach those in need because I believe it will change their life.
Thank you so much! I completely agree that every experience we have can teach us something, even if it’s only to never give up, though they can still be really hard when you’re going through negative ones.
Hi Liv, thank you for sharing your experience and story! It is very inspiring and I’m glad you found the right community who listened to you and showed you that what you have to say is valuable and important! You mentioned about your experience in school with your stammer and how the SLP did not address your internal emotions. As a future SLP, I strive to address the internal challenges my clients face. Do you have any advice about how your emotions could have been addressed in a beneficial way? Thank you again for sharing your amazing story!
Juliana Chintis
Hi, thank you so much! I’m so glad you want to address the internal emotions of people who stutter! They could have empathized with my experience more and asked me how I felt about it, as so much of stuttering is what we experience internally, rather than what people hear.
Hi Liv
We have so much in common! We both have other luggage, we both got to hear things that made us lose trust in ourselves, and we both stopped talking. And both said No More! And look at you now! Our paths have crossed several times and the more I know you, the more I’m in awe of the way you handle life and kick down hurdles. You’re such a strong woman and I’m happy you didn’t let anyone silence you, as what you say is sure worth repeating. You rock so hard, that, when people try to kick you, they’ll brake their toes. 😉 Thank you for being my friend.
Keep talking
Anita
Thank you so much Anita! Your beautiful words made me cry. We both know what it’s like to believe silence is safer, until it isn’t! You’re an incredibly strong woman too and I’m so glad you’re my friend, and you also keep talking! You definitely have a voice worth listening to!
Hi Liv,
Thank you so much for sharing your story, and your healing journey as you found the confidence to speak again. As an SLP graduate student, this is very insightful for me. First of all, I just want to say, I am so glad you are still here with us. Moreover, I am also so happy that amidst all the shame you faced, you found friends, as well as a community who are listening to what you have to say and respecting the time you need for it. People who stutter deserve to be listened to; having speech that is unique to you should never invalidate your right to express yourself. Keep talking, we are listening to you – you’re amazing!!
Best,
Mick
Hi Mick, thank you so much for this! It means a lot! I believed silence was safer for many years, until I realized it was killing me, and in order to live, I had to start speaking, and I’m so glad I did. I’m also so glad there are speech therapists like you who really listen to people who stutter.
Hello, Liv! Thank you for being so open and honest on your childhood experiences. I am deeply saddened that you did not feel you were worth the listen. This story further proves the importance of finding a good support system. As a SLP grad student, I will let your story guide me throughout my career in the schools so that I can educate the student body, faculty, and parents on the importance of supporting one another and how even the smallest of comments can be detrimental to our children. Every human deserves a voice and I am glad to have heard yours.
Thank you so much! I’m glad my story can help you and other people. Everyone, no matter how they talk, is worth listening to and I love there are speech therapists who will do this.