 About the Author:Mary Wood first attended a conference for people who stutter in Ottawa in 1993 where she presented a workshop on self-esteem. After stuttering for over 50 years, she discovered information on the fear of rejection and how it showed up in her life. Since then, Mary has inspired people at conferences in Canada, the United States, and Europe. In 2005, she was ordained as a Unity minister, a lesson that taught her you never know what’s around the next corner. |
So many times we want people to listen to us, and yet fail to listen to others. Being listened to and listening to others has got so much more to do with who we are than we realize.
When it seems like no one is listening to us, it’s easy to feel unimportant, frustrated, and lonely. We all want to be listened to, especially when we stutter. Listening makes us feel accepted. What kind of emotional reaction do you have when you feel people aren’t listening to you? Are you angry, resentful, or scared? You can feel fearful when people don’t seem to approve of you. This not only applies when we stutter. Label it by jotting down what you feel when this happens. Describe what’s happening in your body, your thoughts, and your emotional experience. For instance, you might note, “When someone laughs at me, I feel embarrassed, angry, worried, scared and shameful. I wish someone would accept me as a PWS.“ 1
Think about how you’re approaching other people when you speak. What are you seeking from them? Are you wanting them to accept you so you can feel good about who you are? If so, then it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you and I. And here I thought that someone else’s job was to listen to me, whether I stutter or not, and accept me if I stutter or not. Ask yourself if you would be able to respond to someone else the way you want others to respond to you.
Don’t take it personally if someone is a bad listener. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t worth listening to. I’m going to share a few words that have changed my life. They’re from a book The Four Agreements. 2 The second agreement is: “Don’t take anything personally. Nothing other people do is because of you.” It is because of themselves. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world. Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds… It is about who they are.
So many times, I am not listening to what the other person is saying because I’m focused on how I’m going to reply. Listening to someone else is a gift to them and to ourselves.
For many years, I thought fear was something to run away from, something I didn’t want in my life. A few weeks ago, I started to read a book entitled “When Fear Speaks, Listen” hence the title of my presentation. Fear is not something to run away from, but something to listen to and learn from. I’d like to share the highlights from a couple of chapters in the book: Worry and Shame. These are the two major messengers of fear for me.
Worry: Here’s the not-so-good news about worry. The sole goal and purpose of worry is to help us think we can control the future. Very often, we’re imagining something horrible can happen. We’re worried about the loss of control when we speak. Worry moves through the deepest corners of our mind and steals the joy and optimism long before we even speak. Worry robs us of our confidence, belief and faith by holding a dark and lonely vision of our future.
And here’s the good news……I bet you thought you’d never hear good news about worry. This Chinese proverb made me smile: “That the bird of worry flies over your head, this you cannot change. But that it builds a nest in your hair, you can prevent.” I do not have control over what someone else thinks about me, but I do have control over whether I want to listen to what they say about “who I am.” So let’s have a conversation with our worry, and listen to what it has to tell us. This is a good practice for our meetings.
Here’s a simple affirmation: “No worries.” We might not believe it at first, but the longer we repeat it, the stronger it becomes in our mind.
Shame:
One of the deceiving things about shame is that it hides between the fear of making a mistake and being a mistake. Guilt, embarrassment and wanting to be perfect are shadows of shame. The fear of making a mistake or the fear of being a mistake are shame’s favorite activities. Feeling self-conscious, nervous, humiliated and uneasy are just a few symptoms of shame. When we’re embarrassed, it can be caused by feeling less than perfect. I’m not enough so I need to conceal who I believe myself to be.
An acronym for fear is: Face Everything And Rethink. When we stop running away from it, then we can listen to what this teacher has to reveal to us, what we need to know so we can be aware and listen to the lessons it has to teach us.
When we practice active listening, we pay attention to what is being communicated both verbally and nonverbally, focusing on the content of the message but also on the interpretation of the emotions and the body language. This is the first and most basic stage of the listening process: actually absorbing the information being expressed to you, whether verbally or non-verbally. Not all communication is done through speech, and not all listening is done with ears.
No matter how we’re communicating with another person, the key at this stage is to pay attention. Focus all of our energy on the other person by following these three simple tips: avoid distractions, don’t interrupt the speaker, and don’t rehearse your response while the other person is speaking. Our only job is to listen.
When I was doing research, I found out that July 18 is world listening day! So, let’s make every day “world listening day.” To be a good listener helps to be mindful and empathetic. Listening involves verbal and non-verbal communication. It honors the other person and helps them find solutions to their own problems. It can also let them know that they are heard, one of the most important parts of any conversation.
Good listening can improve our relationships. It means paying attention to what the speaker is saying, not waiting until we can respond to what they are saying.
Now I’d like to end with this poem by Jonathan Drane entitled “The Art of Listening.”
I knew something of conversation, or so I thought
until I listened to another.
Knew something of the talk, the sounds the chatter,
But to listen and to speak when moments call,
that is far greater.
Of conversations past, I no longer can remember,
Since the day I silent kept- and listened to another,
There opened up a life which had ‘til then
been merely shadow
At first the life it seemed another’s, but when I was caught
and by the mirror
The face had changed, it told me of another.
Since the day I silent kept- and listened to another.
Many blessings on our journey together as we listen and learn from each other.
References:
- https://www.wikihow.com/Cope-with-Not-Feeling-Heard#/Image:Cope-with-Not-Feeling-Heard-Step-2-Version-5.jpg
- The four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
Hello Mary!
Enjoyed reading your paper. Treating Fear is the ball of wax in stuttering…Fear of Stuttering, Fear of Talking and Fear of Interacting with Others. My hope for CWS is that these fears never develop in them because of technique based therapies…OK – I won’t start my soapbox here…Take care.
Stuttering – to me – is a Listener Disorder. IDGAS RULES!!!
Retz
Hey Retz! Good to hear from you….. smiling as I’m remember some of our conversations about many things….. My hope also the same as yours for CWS. Don’t now if I’ve ever heard that stuttering is a “Listener Disorder.” Kinda like that. Had to think for a moment what IDGAS means – and I’ll remember that too. Take care.
Your piece of writing expresses the idea and sentiments I have always held but never described or so well, even in my own head. To your point, my first inclination is to respond to what you are saying and tell you who I am, but I’m going to try something different.
At the risk of telling you something you probably already know, “You can feel fearful when people don’t seem to approve of you,” is a beautiful insight. I loved the idea, “Label it by jotting down what you feel when this happens. Describe what’s happening in your body, your thoughts, and your emotional experience,” and believe it or not, Ernest Hemingway prescribed the exercise for aspiring writers. You inspired me to re-read Ernest Hemingway ~ On Writing in order to share the following quote from him:
“Listen now. When people talk listen completely. Don’t be thinking what you’re going to say. Most people never listen. Nor do they observe. You should be able to go into a room and when you come out know everything that you saw there and not only that. If that room gave you any feeling you should know exactly what it was that gave you that feeling. Try that for practice. When you’re in town stand outside the theatre and see how the people differ in the way they get out of taxis or motor cars. There are a thousand ways to practice. And always think of other people.”
Thanks for reading the article and your words from Ernest Hemingway. Loved the words “there are a thousand ways to practice” – as I believe this is a life long journey. Take care.
Hello Mary! I really enjoyed reading your paper. I think you made some great points, especially when it comes to worrying about what others might think. It is natural to want others to like us and respect us but we cannot control what others think/feel about us; We can control how we perceive ourselves and how agreeable and comfortable we are with our strengths and weaknesses. I really like the proverb you included to explain this notion as it sums it up pretty well.
Also, I agree that listening is not just important for communication as it goes way beyond just expressing out thoughts in response to others. It means understanding what is not said by paying close attention and not making assumptions. People often hear to respond, not listen to understand.
Thank you again for sharing your paper!
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts….. we learn from each other. Stuttering has brought me friends from all over the world and words like yours allow me to keep learning. Take care.
Mary,
I appreciate how you included a poem, excerpts from books, and even a Chinese proverb in your paper. These were all so beneficial in delivering your message and were all so captivating! You provided such great insight on several topics such as worry, fear, shame, and active listening. There were so many parts that inspired and moved me! The acronym for fear really stuck out the most. Face Everything and Rethink! What a great take on how to handle fear! The Chinese proverb was also a great way to paint an image of what worry is. The time and thought that went behind writing this paper is evident! Thank you for sharing!
Thanks so much for reading this paper, and your very insightful feedback. I believe that we learn from each other, as I am sure as you share your journey and ideas with others, they will also learn from you. I hope that somewhere along the way we will meet or keep in touch. I wish you well in this journey of really finding out who you truly are….. wise, caring.. things that I heard in your feedback. Take care.
Thanks so much for your kind and insightful remarks. I’m reading from these that you are very insightful and open to learning. Maybe we’ll meet somewhere along this journey that we’re on. I live in Canada. Blessings….
I liked how you highlighted the emotional impact of feeling heard and how it connects to acceptance, vulnerability, and self-worth. I also appreciated how you connected personal experiences with common communication issues like fear and shame. The call for empathy, mindfulness, and the practice of listening as a sign of respect and validation resonated with me. The closing poem beautifully captures the change that happens when we truly listen to others. You mentioned that listening is both verbal and non-verbal. How can becoming a more mindful and empathetic listener help people who stutter not only to communicate more effectively but also build deeper connections with others?
Thanks for your insightful feeback. To answer your question, I think acceptance of ourselves as a person who stutters affects every area of our lives because when we can look at the fear as a messenger, and not something that we don’t want, then we are willing to step out into the world not only as a “mindful and empathetic listener” for people who stutter, but offering our love and support to others who are suffering from fear, no matter where in their lives it’s showing up. Many blessings on your journey….
Hi Mary,
I always enjoy reading your papers so much. You write beautifully and with so much insight.
One of my greatest struggles early on in my “stuttering career” was constantly rehearsing and practicing in my head what I was going to say in response to my communication partner. I wanted to choose words that I felt confident I would not stutter on.
Of course that meant I was not listening and when it was my turn to respond, I often said absolutely ridiculous, nonsensical, but FLUENT things and be so proud that I did not stutter. My partner would look at me with such puzzlement and would try to be respectful and often not say anything.
I am grateful that I have learned to not do that anymore. It’s more important to me to truly listen and respond in kind, and if I stutter, so be it. I don’t care about the stuttering. I care about the person I am communicating with.
I will be attending the CSA conference in November. I am so excited to attend for the first time. Will I see you there?
Pam
Hi Pam! Thanks for your insightful feedback. Loved “I don’t care about the stuttering. I care about the person I am communicating with.” It is so freeing to come to that place.
And I’ll see you in Montreal!!!
Mary
Hello Mary!
I enjoyed reading your paper. I love how you included the benefits of active listening. Often times, this is very much overlooked and is such an important piece to conversation. There is real importance to listening to both verbal and nonverbal communication. I really like how you are promoting mindfulness for regulating emotions! Worry and shame can definitely be detrimental to ones self confidence. I also believe that reframing fear and using affirmations can combat negative thoughts. I also really enjoyed the Chinese proverb and the poem!
Thank you for sharing!
Emma
Thanks for reading the paper and your personal remarks. We learn from each other, and it seems to me that each of us has something of importance to share with others. For me, this was first a journey to accept the stuttering, and then that leads to other places in our lives where the same information applies. Blessings on your journey and where it leads you. Take care….. and hope to meet in person somewhere along the journey. Take care.
Mary, your writing touched me! I am a graduate student in speech language pathology and I learn so much from PWS! I value your insight, I learned so much about counseling those who stutter. I sometimes forget that listening, supporting, and accepting is the best thing we can do!
Do you have any piece of advice for a speech pathologist who provides services for pws? Specifically children? Thank you!!
Thanks for your insights, and your dedication to the speech lauguage pathology path. What advice do I have for you who will provide services for pws? Wow – many ideas are coming to me, and I think the most important one for me is letting go of the shame that was with me for so many years of my life. Many years ago I spent time with Vivian Sheehan, wife of Joseph Sheehan, and she invited me to “try” voluntary stuttering. It is something I still do today – I don’t know if this is taught today…. but it sure has been a welcome part of my life for many years. Takes away so much of the fear. I wish you well on your journey, and hope you continue to ask questions. I haven’t spent time with children who stutter…. but from my own experience as a child who stutters it was all about support and self acceptance – and I realize both of those are not learned over night. Thank you for the path that you have chosen and your wise questions. Take care.
Hi Mary!
I enjoyed reading your paper. I really appreciated the range of insights you included in your reflection, from the poem to the Chinese proverb and excerpts from books. They all helped to make your message even more engaging and powerful. Your thoughts on worry, fear, and shame were also very impactful, and the proverb about the bird of worry was another great way to visualize how we can manage worry. I love that you touched on the importance of being empathetic and mindful when listening to others as a sign of respect and to let them know that they are heard. This really stood out to me!
Thank you for sharing!
Elisa
Elisa, thanks so much for your insightful feedback. I’ve found that we learn from each other and that this journey we’re on, can lead us to new and mind opening experiences. I can read and feel that in your remarks. Maybe one of these days we will meet along the way…. Take care.
Mary