 About the Author: Ezra Horak is a lifelong (basically) stutterer with late diagnosed ADHD who lives in the state of Oregon. They run the popular platform Stutterology, where their mission is education and advocacy from a stuttering perspective – for SLPs, for parents and guardians, for allies, for strangers… and of course, for fellow people who stutter. They have been involved with various stuttering non-profits for 10 years, and currently serve as co-chair of the board for SPACE: Stuttering, People, Arts, Community, Education. Their interests outside stuttering are limited but mostly include researching family history and hanging out with their cats. Check them out on instagram or facebook at @Stutterology |
Ok, first question: Is it a burden to listen to feminine voices? Or is it an indicator that real listening is not happening?
When I was younger, I assumed I didn’t like listening to women on the radio… their voices grated on my nerves: too high pitched, too low pitched and manly, too angry, too calm, too childlike.
I grew up wanting to be on stage and wanting to speak, but I would think to myself, ‘But I’m a girl and I stutter. No one will want to listen to me.’ Even though I could see that not every single person felt the way I did, my own internalized stigma had me assuming people listened as a sacrifice. No one likes the sound of feminine voices, but… some people are just kind.
It finally hit me when I was in my mid-20s and attended a church with a pastor who was a woman… and I really liked her as a person: wise in both a clever and insightful way. When she began to speak on stage, that internal “Too childlike…” began. But this time, I noticed the thought and challenged it: no, I know this person. I like her. I want to listen to her. So I told myself to focus on the content of what she said.
After a sermon or two, I no longer even noticed her tone. In fact, I even found it engaging in a way that some men were unable or unwilling to do. As time went on, I observed my tendency to listen to male podcasters, actors, etc. I wondered at my own bias, and began to force myself to listen to the content before I judged it.
The issue often was not the other person’s voice. It was that I was focused on myself instead of focusing on what they were saying. I listened for parts of their voice that I was unused to and uncomfortable with, and almost never what they were saying. I was, in fact, being a bad listener. And that negatively impacted both my own experience (how much less I could learn!) and the experience of the speaker.
It was never the pastor’s job to change her voice into one I preferred. It was my job to listen better.
Now I ask, is it a burden to listen to stuttering, or an indicator that someone is not listening correctly?
A lot of us who stutter assume our voice is a burden. When we assume this, at its best, it means we ask people to “Please be patient with me” – as if it requires something big to listen to a dysfluent voice. (Spoiler alert: most people don’t mind. Some of us who stutter… ok me, I mean me… can be hyper critical of what makes a good voice.)
But when we assume our voice is a burden, it might go insofar as removing ourselves from living life the way we want to. We don’t apply for jobs that interest us, assuming no one will want to listen to us. We worry about the stigma others might have instead of holding them accountable to that same stigma.
Growing up, my mom told me, “If a teacher cuts you off, you need to let me know. That’s their issue that they can’t just wait. It’s just a stutter. All they have to do is listen.”
And while I still worried about the stigma for a long time, and limited myself vastly (and occasionally was limited by others), I still held the belief that if someone is unwilling to wait for me to speak, they’re the ones with the problem. But I didn’t live that way. While I mentally knew stuttering deserved to be listened to, I honestly didn’t think it would be.
I wish I could say I just started believing my friends and loved ones when they said they enjoyed listening to me speak. But it wasn’t until I made friends with other people who stuttered – when I forced myself to do what I did with feminine-sounding voices and just listen to people – that I could start to realize that no, stuttering is not a burden to listen to.
Occasionally it may take effort to listen closely for the content, but plenty of things are effortful – reaching something on a high shelf, for example. But I wouldn’t call it a burden just because it takes me effort to do.
I know that when it comes to stigma and accessibility, it’s not enough to say stuttering is not a burden! There is work to do to make the world more equitable for people who stutter. Our feel good slogans don’t help a call center employee who is required to keep calls under 3 minutes and actually can’t wait for stuttering. But an employer’s choice to make something inaccessible and thus bar equal access to people with speech and hearing disabilities is a created burden. It is not inherent to stuttering. And we need to hold these places accountable.
Because fundamentally at its core, stuttering is not a burden for a listener. Stuttering is just the way some people talk. It has never been our job to change how we talk so that others will listen to us. It has been their job to listen.
Ezra – what a great essay. You are a wonderful writer.
Of course listening to stuttering is not a burden, but many of us assume it is because of our fears of judgment or exclusion. And stigma is still out there, especially running rampant in workplaces. There is a lot of work to do to combat stigma and hold employers accountable.
It would be amazing if we could get people outside of the stuttering community to read and watch these pieces on the ISAD conference. There is such a treasure trove here – but unfortunately it doesn’t reach beyond the stuttering community, except in a very few small cases.
We have to keep trying!
Pam
Ezra, thank you for this excellent, insightful essay.
Hello Ezra,
Your essay provides a powerful and personal reflection on the experience of both listening and being listened to, particularly regarding feminine voices and stuttering.
How do you think we can shift societal attitudes so that listening to stuttering, or any non-normative way of speaking, becomes more accepted and normalized in everyday interactions?
Roxana
Hi Ezra,
What an amazing essay! I was drawn in by your title and impressed by your insight. I love what your mother said and believe that everyone has a right to be heard. Your essay is one that we have chosen to discuss at our adult support meeting this week. Thank you!
Rita
Hi Ezra – your perspective is always unique but universal. Thank you!!
Hey Ezra! What a powerful essay!! It was interesting to read this perspectives on feminine voices and how I also too have found myself having some of these thoughts about some female voices on the radio, etc. I love your last statement about how “stuttering is not a burden for a listener.” As someone who does not stutter, I try and just be that respectful listener that a person needs and hope they feel comfortable talking to me without judgment!
Thank you so much for sharing! This was incredibly written. I 100% agree with your comment about how we need to hold others, including workplaces accountable for their ability to listen and accommodate this with any type of disability. I also loved your perspective about focusing on the content of what is being said rather than who is saying it or how it is being said. I think that is a very powerful message and I am going to challenge myself to do the same thing. This can be a powerful tool that can be used in many different ways. Thanks again for sharing your story!
Hi Ezra,
Thank you for sharing your story and such a thoughtful reflection. I can really relate to that internalized bias—whether it’s about feminine voices or stuttering—and the journey to realizing that the issue isn’t with how we sound, but with how others (and even we ourselves) choose to listen.
Your experience with the female pastor resonated deeply. It’s empowering to recognize that when we really focus on the content of someone’s message, the voice delivering it becomes secondary. I love how you highlighted that listening is an active choice—a choice to pay attention, to be present, and to value what’s being said rather than how it’s said.
I also appreciate how you tied that realization back to stuttering. It’s such a powerful message that stuttering isn’t a burden for listeners, but rather an invitation for others to truly listen. Your point about accountability is so important, too—creating spaces where stuttering (and all forms of communication) are respected is vital, especially in settings that might not naturally accommodate speech differences.
Thank you for sharing these reflections. Your words are a reminder that we all deserve to be heard, just as we are, and that real listening is a skill we can all work on.
Warmly,
Taylor
This is such a powerful and insightful reflection, Ezra. Your journey of learning to truly listen, both to others and yourself, speaks to something so many of us can relate to, whether we stutter or not. It’s a beautiful reminder that everyone deserves to be heard for what they have to say, not for how they say it. Your perspective on stuttering being a part of who you are, rather than a burden, is incredibly empowering. Thank you for sharing this message of self-acceptance and challenging others to be better listeners!
Question: How do you think we can all become more mindful listeners, not just with stuttering, but in all areas of communication?
Hi Ezra, I loved your thoughtful reflection on our biases about voices and communication. The shift from internalised stigma to empowerment is indeed powerful, and the call to hold others accountable for truly listening is spot on. You remind us all to be more present and open in our interactions. Kudos!
Gina
Hi Ezra, your writing is so thoughtful and engaging, and I truly enjoyed reading this passage. My favorite point you made is that all the listener has to do is listen. As a graduate student in speech-language pathology, I often stress about how to best help my clients. But your insight reminded me that simply being an attentive and supportive listener can sometimes make the biggest impact, even more than the words I say. Thank you for that perspective!