When I Stutter and You Don’t Listen – Pamela Mertz
About the Author: Pamela Mertz is a person who stutters who is actively involved in the global stuttering community. She is a past Board member of both the International Stuttering Association, and USA National Stuttering Association. She blogs at www.stutterrockstar.com and hosts the popular podcast “Women Who Stutter: Our Stories.” She was inducted into the National Stuttering Association Hall of Fame in 2022.
I submitted this original piece to the first ever StutterSlam event at a NSA conference in 2019 and won first place. The video explains what it feels like when I stutter and the listener doesn’t listen – a part of me feels like it’s missing.
Comments
When I Stutter and You Don’t Listen – Pamela Mertz — 21 Comments
Hello everybody – welcome to my video submission for ISAD 2024. When we decided on the theme of Listening as this years theme, I knew I would submit this recording of me participating in a “Stutter Slam” a few years ago. I’m oddly nervous about sharing this with a larger group. Maybe it’s because I never go so far out of my comfort zone as I have here. I truly hope it inspires someone.
This is wonderful, Pam.
Thanks for sharing your poem here on the ISAD online conference.
Thank you so much Hanan!
Hi Pam
Unfortunately my sound quality did not allow me to hear your words.
Would it be possible for you to write them here. I have always liked the idea of taking part in a slam!
Many thanks
When I stutter and you don’t listen, part of me feels like it’s missing.
“Really, you just said that. You’re an adult, I’m an adult. Oh god, here comes my self-talk.
What do I do, what do I say? Please Pam, don’t walk away.”
When I stutter and you don’t listen, part of me feels like it’s missing.
“My heart is pounding, my cheeks flush red, I want to curl up, pretend I’m dead.
You laughed at me, not once, but twice. Nailing my comeback is a roll of the dice”
When I stutter and you don’t listen, part of me feels like it’s missing.
“You.Yeah you, in the drive through. Do you have a problem with my order? If you’re going to repeat it, if you’re going to repeat me, at least do it right. It’s Hay-hay-hay-hazelnut, I said.”
When I stutter and you don’t listen, part of me feels like it’s missing.
“I remember that day, ordering cheese. Yeah, I said ch-ch-ch-cheese please. You looked at me, ‘the look,’ your eye, and I said, “No Pam, you’re not going to cry.”
When I stutter and you don’t listen, part of me feels like it’s missing.
“And then I turned and heard a voice .Her behind me, “give her her choice. Who are you to shut her down? Listen, her voice, it’s her crown.”
When I stutter and you don’t listen, part of me feels like it’s missing.
“The things I do, the things I say, always just to get through the day. Now my voice, it does me favors. Even when I speak with all its wavers.”
When I stutter and you don’t listen, part of me feels like it’s missing.
“I am me, I am Pam, I love me for all I am. Can you do that, can you love me? Because what you get is what you see.”
When I stutter and you don’t listen, part of me feels like it’s missing.
“The journey’s long and I’m still walking. But I’m strong and I’ll keep talking. And you should listen, because what we say is worth repeating every day.”
** I performed this at a spoken word contest, and won first place. **
Many thanks. You deserved to win. Brilliant!
I love this so much! Congratulations on the win, and well deserved. yes, I am inspired. Beautifully written and performed!
Thank you Debbie – I am glad you felt inspired while listening.
Beautiful, Pam!
Thank you Ana Paula – and I am so happy that you chose my performance to spotlight on one of your Friday features. I can’t believe it was through this conference that we “met” years ago.
Love it!!!!
Thank you Nic!
Pam, you absolutely smashed that! So raw and real, I was hooked the whole way through. A solid reminder for people to actually listen and of course a well-deserved win 🙂 Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much Gina. I am delighted that you listened and were “hooked.” To me, listening is about connecting and hooking someone did just that.
Pam
Your piece made me feel emotions all over the spectrum. What a powerful performance and I thank you for allowing me to experience your words and experiences.
Thank you so much Lacey for listening and sharing your feedback. My piece was more than just about listening – it is also about connecting.
I think that’s the whole point of listening having power – it has the power to develop deeper relationships and for both communication partners to feel seen and heard.
Pam
Thank you, Pam, for sharing this poem with us. I appreciated your sharing your experiences and feelings! I liked that you stated “a part of me is missing,” as a starting off point for several examples of your experiences.
Hi Jeff,
Thanks so much for watching and listening. To me, when I stutter, and someone is really listening, I feel they are really connecting with me as well. I think that’s what makes stuttering and listening such an intimate experience for both speaker and listener.
Pam
Dear Pam
Once you started your transition from covert to overt, you no longer stopped talking. And the whole international stuttering community is thankful for that. I wasn’t really covert, but was silent, mute, as I couldn’t hide my stutter, other than not speaking at all. Being covert must feel like not belonging, neither in the fluent world, nor the stuttering world. But be sure you belong. In both worlds. Because what you say is worth repeating, no matter how you speak, as you yourself make people come home.
Keep talking
Anita
Anita,
Thank you listening and your feedback. Indeed, when I was covert (and especially when I was able to pull it off before my tricks failed) I did feel caught between two worlds – I didn’t stutter enough to be part of the stuttering community and I was fluent enough to be truly part of the fluent world. When it finally dawned on me that I was leading a double life – ultimately living as an imposter – I decided to do something about it.
I searched for a way to lose “fake Pam” and welcome “real Pam” and the way found me. Getting fired many years ago because of stuttering was a blessing in disguise and allowed me to embrace my real self, and find happiness.
I’ve just come back from two stuttering events and it still surprises me that so many people know who I am even if I am not sure who they are!
Pam
Thank you all for watching my video and for learning how I feel about connecting with my listeners when I stutter. It’s not just about listening – it’s about feeling seen and heard and feeling a connection. That’s what’s missing (I believe) when stuttered words are not listened to. Thank you to all who made this such a great online conference.
Cheers to next year!
Hello everybody – welcome to my video submission for ISAD 2024. When we decided on the theme of Listening as this years theme, I knew I would submit this recording of me participating in a “Stutter Slam” a few years ago. I’m oddly nervous about sharing this with a larger group. Maybe it’s because I never go so far out of my comfort zone as I have here. I truly hope it inspires someone.
This is wonderful, Pam.
Thanks for sharing your poem here on the ISAD online conference.
Thank you so much Hanan!
Hi Pam
Unfortunately my sound quality did not allow me to hear your words.
Would it be possible for you to write them here. I have always liked the idea of taking part in a slam!
Many thanks
When I stutter and you don’t listen, part of me feels like it’s missing.
“Really, you just said that. You’re an adult, I’m an adult. Oh god, here comes my self-talk.
What do I do, what do I say? Please Pam, don’t walk away.”
When I stutter and you don’t listen, part of me feels like it’s missing.
“My heart is pounding, my cheeks flush red, I want to curl up, pretend I’m dead.
You laughed at me, not once, but twice. Nailing my comeback is a roll of the dice”
When I stutter and you don’t listen, part of me feels like it’s missing.
“You.Yeah you, in the drive through. Do you have a problem with my order? If you’re going to repeat it, if you’re going to repeat me, at least do it right. It’s Hay-hay-hay-hazelnut, I said.”
When I stutter and you don’t listen, part of me feels like it’s missing.
“I remember that day, ordering cheese. Yeah, I said ch-ch-ch-cheese please. You looked at me, ‘the look,’ your eye, and I said, “No Pam, you’re not going to cry.”
When I stutter and you don’t listen, part of me feels like it’s missing.
“And then I turned and heard a voice .Her behind me, “give her her choice. Who are you to shut her down? Listen, her voice, it’s her crown.”
When I stutter and you don’t listen, part of me feels like it’s missing.
“The things I do, the things I say, always just to get through the day. Now my voice, it does me favors. Even when I speak with all its wavers.”
When I stutter and you don’t listen, part of me feels like it’s missing.
“I am me, I am Pam, I love me for all I am. Can you do that, can you love me? Because what you get is what you see.”
When I stutter and you don’t listen, part of me feels like it’s missing.
“The journey’s long and I’m still walking. But I’m strong and I’ll keep talking. And you should listen, because what we say is worth repeating every day.”
** I performed this at a spoken word contest, and won first place. **
Many thanks. You deserved to win. Brilliant!
I love this so much! Congratulations on the win, and well deserved. yes, I am inspired. Beautifully written and performed!
Thank you Debbie – I am glad you felt inspired while listening.
Beautiful, Pam!
Thank you Ana Paula – and I am so happy that you chose my performance to spotlight on one of your Friday features. I can’t believe it was through this conference that we “met” years ago.
Love it!!!!
Thank you Nic!
Pam, you absolutely smashed that! So raw and real, I was hooked the whole way through. A solid reminder for people to actually listen and of course a well-deserved win 🙂 Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much Gina. I am delighted that you listened and were “hooked.” To me, listening is about connecting and hooking someone did just that.
Pam
Your piece made me feel emotions all over the spectrum. What a powerful performance and I thank you for allowing me to experience your words and experiences.
Thank you so much Lacey for listening and sharing your feedback. My piece was more than just about listening – it is also about connecting.
I think that’s the whole point of listening having power – it has the power to develop deeper relationships and for both communication partners to feel seen and heard.
Pam
Thank you, Pam, for sharing this poem with us. I appreciated your sharing your experiences and feelings! I liked that you stated “a part of me is missing,” as a starting off point for several examples of your experiences.
Hi Jeff,
Thanks so much for watching and listening. To me, when I stutter, and someone is really listening, I feel they are really connecting with me as well. I think that’s what makes stuttering and listening such an intimate experience for both speaker and listener.
Pam
Dear Pam
Once you started your transition from covert to overt, you no longer stopped talking. And the whole international stuttering community is thankful for that. I wasn’t really covert, but was silent, mute, as I couldn’t hide my stutter, other than not speaking at all. Being covert must feel like not belonging, neither in the fluent world, nor the stuttering world. But be sure you belong. In both worlds. Because what you say is worth repeating, no matter how you speak, as you yourself make people come home.
Keep talking
Anita
Anita,
Thank you listening and your feedback. Indeed, when I was covert (and especially when I was able to pull it off before my tricks failed) I did feel caught between two worlds – I didn’t stutter enough to be part of the stuttering community and I was fluent enough to be truly part of the fluent world. When it finally dawned on me that I was leading a double life – ultimately living as an imposter – I decided to do something about it.
I searched for a way to lose “fake Pam” and welcome “real Pam” and the way found me. Getting fired many years ago because of stuttering was a blessing in disguise and allowed me to embrace my real self, and find happiness.
I’ve just come back from two stuttering events and it still surprises me that so many people know who I am even if I am not sure who they are!
Pam
Thank you all for watching my video and for learning how I feel about connecting with my listeners when I stutter. It’s not just about listening – it’s about feeling seen and heard and feeling a connection. That’s what’s missing (I believe) when stuttered words are not listened to. Thank you to all who made this such a great online conference.
Cheers to next year!
Pam