Unlearning To Be A “Good” Therapist – Nicole Kulmaczewski

About the Author: Nicole Kulmaczewski is a speech therapist in the Hudson Valley, NY. She co-founded Myspeech, a non-profit that aims to connect people who stutter to speech therapists in the United States as well as access to resources. Nicole is passionate about advocacy and spreading stuttering awareness through social media posts, continuing education, and day to day life.

I’ve spent most of my time as a therapist un-learning how to be a “good” therapist. I put the word good in quotations, because I don’t think there is one definition of what it means to be a “good therapist”. If I were to ask 10 speech therapists what they think makes a good therapist, I would probably get 10 different answers. If I were to ask 10 people who stutter what would make a therapist a “good therapist”, I would probably also get 10 different answers.

Reader, I challenge you to take a moment to define what a “good therapist” is. Is it someone who takes on a lot of clients at once? Is it someone who makes a lot of progress with clients no matter what it takes? Is it someone who puts their clients’ needs over their own? Perhaps it is someone who listens…

The theme for ISAD this year is the power of listening, and let me tell you, I have personally experienced this power myself a few times this summer alone. There is something truly magical between a client and clinician, student and teacher, child and SLP- whatever you want to call the relationship- when the therapist listens to listen, not to respond.

This past summer, I had the wonderful opportunity to attend the FRIENDS conference in Denver, CO. The power of listening was very strong throughout this conference, as the environment calls for SLPs, parents, and any adults/family members to take some time to just sit quietly and listen to the children and teens who stutter. The workshops in the conference were tailored to amplify stuttering voices and to make space for stuttering within conversations. What was great to see was that not only the children were being listened to, but the parents as well. Most, if not all, of these families went home stronger after the conference because the parents of these kids were given space to make mistakes, learn from them, and move forward being the best listeners they could be.

I also had a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a speech therapist at Camp Shout Out this year in Michigan. This camp, led by Kristin Chmela and her village of people, offered the campers and the trainees an extraordinary opportunity to experience the power of listening. I, myself, had been paired with a fantastic camper- but I did have a difficult experience at first. I was stuck in my own head, trying to be a “good” therapist for this child, trying to make his experience what I thought would be the best for him. It wasn’t until I got comfortable with being uncomfortable, comfortable with silence, and until I set my ego aside, that I was able to step into being that “good” therapist that this child needed me to be for him. Somehow, I was able to clearly understand that it’s simultaneously all about stuttering, yet not about stuttering. This camper was there to experience all that camp had to offer, he was not quite interested in talking about the most vulnerable parts of himself with someone he had just met a few days ago.

Looking back, I’m not sure why it took me so long to realize that I was only listening to my camper in order to implement more of the training that we learned the first couple days. I was not listening to him just to listen, and he knew that! We were not making “progress” until I let go of my idea of “being a good therapist” and I became the friend and partner that this camper needed to feel heard and listened to. When we started joking around and talking about things other than stuttering, it was when he was most open with me and most receptive to my advice in regard to communication.

Both of these experiences have taught me something different about what it means to be a “good” therapist. I’ve learned that a “good” therapist looks different for different clients. I know for a fact that my experience being a “good” therapist for my camper would’ve looked very different if I got assigned a different camper. However, something that I know for sure is that no matter what, any “good” therapist must work to continue to refine their listening skills. Listening to listen is not something that comes naturally to us, therefore we do need to put in a lot of work to make our clients feel heard and not judged. I’m un-learning my old definition of “good” therapist and learning a new one, which includes being adaptable, open-minded, and learning to listen better.

Loading

Comments

Unlearning To Be A “Good” Therapist – Nicole Kulmaczewski — 36 Comments

  1. Wow, just wow. Nicole, what great realizations you made in different settings but both about listening. Each of us gains so much from listening but only when we are truly present and open to the listening space.

    I think it’s powerful that you are already recognizing what a “good therapist” is in this beginning stage of your career. The strides that you are taking will help you help other therapists down the road. I am confident of that. Each talk you deliver, each presentation, each CEU event, other SLPs will learn from your powerful experiences that so much can be learned from less talking and more listening.

    • Thank you for your kind response Pam 🩵 I stand on the shoulders of giants and you are one of them. Story telling is so important in life and in our field because we can learn so much more from stories and lived experiences!

  2. So glad you were able to experience a FRIENDS conference and CSO this year, Nicole! I appreciate your reflection on the importance of truly learning to listen!

    Ana Paula

    • Hi Ana Paula! Thank you for your comment! I am truly blessed to have been able to experience both this summer 🙂 learning to listen is a lifelong lesson, in my opinion.

  3. This was a breath of fresh air after my unfortunate encounter at ASHA last year with an SLP who thought and assumed she knew everything complete with stuttersplaining.

  4. Thanks for this piece, Nicole! I agree that conferences like FRIENDS and experiences like working at a camp for kids who stutter really provide intense opportunities to reflect on what makes a “good” therapist. Listening is at the top! It all comes back to being mindful and open, which means turning down the volume on all those ‘therapy’ things we learned to do. Empathic listening IS therapy.

  5. Great article, Nicole! Your current and future clients are in great hands with you as their therapist!

  6. Hi Nicole!

    It is very refreshing to hear that everyone has a different definition of what it means to be a “good” therapist. As a graduate student, I sometimes get so caught up in wanting to be a “good” therapist while comparing myself to others. Learning to listen better is so important and something that I realize I need to work towards. What is one piece of advice you would give to a new SLP in regards to that “awkward silence” when learning to listen to others better? Thank you so much for sharing!

    • I think that “awkward silence” moment is so hard to reframe in your own head as something positive! It takes a lot of practice to be ok with it, and sometimes I find myself not being as patient as I could be. Firstly, I think it helps to re-define it as just a silence … there’s nothing awkward about it! A silence just means that both people are either processing or thinking about a response. That silence is a privilege to have because it means both people are listening to listen, not to respond!

  7. Hi Nicole!
    This article was so inspiring to me. I am currently in my second-year of graduate school for speech-language pathology and to read that another SLP doesn’t think there is one definition of a “good” therapist was so reassuring. We recently discussed in class how each person we treat is completely different and therapy is so individualized. We also discussed the importance of listening to listen, letting awkward silences play out, not knowing how to respond sometimes, and just opening the floor to our client’s and letting them lead us. As an aspiring future SLP, how were you able to un-learn the stereotypes of “good” therapists and really begin finding yourself as a therapist? Is there anything you wish you would have known before you started practicing? Thank you so much for sharing! This was very insightful!

    • I think your graduate program is doing a great job of preparing you. A lot of what I learned in school, I had to do some un-learning personally. Hold these values you are learning tight- it is important to listen, let silence happen, and ask your client questions! There are some things you learn once you become an SLP and start practicing and find yourself with less support than when you were in grad school. I feel like, the curtains close and you have to stop the “performance” of graduate school. We are often graded on our own performance and tend to worry about if we’re saying or doing the right thing, once you graduate that all stops and you realize that it really isn’t about you- it’s about the people we are serving!

  8. Hello Nicole! I enjoyed reading and learning your take on what being a “good” therapist is. It was so refreshing to hear another clinician’s point of view. I am currently finishing up my master’s program in speech-language pathology and have struggled with imposter syndrome and not feeling like a “good” enough therapist, reading your insight has helped me to put a lot into perspective moving forward and truly listening to my clients. Thank you so much for this! What would be your advice for a beginning clinician?

    • Hi Kyla! Yes the imposter syndrome is so real. Thank you for sharing your insights. I think the first thing to do is get most comfortable with “awkward silences” and not think of them as awkward, but necessary for processing. With silence, you allow yourself and the other person to take in what was said, process, and come up with a response!

  9. Hi Nicole!

    I love this article and its insights into the therapist’s role and perspective. I am currently a graduate student trying to define and learn how to be a “good” therapist. Your insights encourage me to focus on being flexible, open-minded, and, most importantly, a caring listener in my future practice. Thank you for sharing your journey—it’s a great reminder of the essential qualities we must develop as we aim to support those we work with!

  10. I really appreciated your article because it beautifully highlighted the evolving nature of being a “good therapist.” Your insights about the power of listening—not just to respond, but to truly hear—were impactful. The personal stories from the FRIENDS conference and Camp Shout Out demonstrated how listening can create a space for growth and trust, both for clients and their families. It resonated with my own studies on the importance of empathy in therapy. How do you think therapists can best balance this open listening with the structured goals of therapy?

    • Thanks for your comment Annet! I think that the key is not finding the balance, but to get rid of the notion that therapy has to be structured. We are dealing with human beings- and with that, comes variability in emotions, changes in priorities, and differences in personalities. Our therapy goals and treatment sessions should be flexible and ever-changing just like our clients!

  11. Hi Nicole!

    As future speech therapists, thank you for this post. We can gain so much from your insights into being a therapist and how to listen to understand. Let’s be open and listen to each other so that everyone feels comfortable around us. We agree 100% that empathetic listening is therapy! Thanks again for this piece of your experience.

    Iza & Wiktoria

  12. Hi Nicole! I am in graduate school for speech therapy! I really appreciated how you shared how you learned from past mistakes. I also really liked how you acknowledged that different clients need their own version of a ‘good therapist.’ Obviously listening is the first step to becoming an individualised good therapist. What are some things you look for/listen for when meeting with clients in the beginning to know how to tailor your approach for them?

    • I love your question, so insightful! As my friends from Stuttering Therapy Resources say, we are detectives. So, I listen to what the client is saying, but also what they are not saying or avoiding. It will be very difficult to get a good grasp on who your client is as a person during the first session… they will be telling you a story that they believe to be true- their truth. As session progress, you can ask curious questions that do not prompt one way or another to continue getting to know your client and unraveling their truth. Something that I learned this past summer is how to ask “I wonder what/if…” questions- this allows you to explore potential scenarios with your client without putting the pressure on them to actually put themselves in the scenario.

  13. Hello Nicole! I’m Savannah, a graduate student studying speech-language pathology. I found your reflection on unlearning the traditional concept of being a “good” therapist deeply insightful. Your experiences at the FRIENDS conference and Camp Shout Out powerfully illustrate how true therapeutic success often comes from letting go of our preconceived notions and simply being present with our clients.

    As a future SLP, your realization about listening to listen, rather than listening to respond or implement techniques, really resonates with me. Your candid admission about being initially stuck in your head, trying to be what you thought was a “good” therapist, and then discovering that real progress happened when you became comfortable with silence and set your ego aside, will definitely influence my approach to therapy. I especially appreciated your point about how therapy can be “simultaneously all about stuttering, yet not about stuttering” – highlighting the importance of seeing and treating the whole person.

    Thank you for being so open about your learning process and professional growth.

  14. Thank you for your toughtful paper, Nicole. Listening is not easy, not even for us who stutter, as we’re so busy preparing what we want to say, the brain shuts down. We want to help, to interact, but by wanting that, we often shut down listening. Your paper made me realize I too shut down sometimes. Instead of enjoying a paus, a block, a silence, and using that to take in the words, ponder, and even relax my body and my breathing. Today people speak faster than ever, and children movies are overactive like the Duracell rabbit. Listening is getting extinct. Reading your paper shows how amazing you are as a therapist, who not only listens, but who also realizes the importance, and the gain, of listening. I thank you, in the name of all your clients, for the person, and the clinician you are. I hope all SLPs and students will read your paper.

    Keep listening, and keep them talking

    Anita

  15. Your message was very powerful. I am a grad student and I strive to be a “good” therapist, but your paper made me rethink what a “good” therapist is. I believe it is different for each of my clients and your paper has mind turning in a positive way! Because as a grad student who is trying her best to be a “good” therapist, I catch myself trying to “fix” instead of truly listen to my stuttering clients. Thank you for your message and for helping me see that I need to listen to listen!

  16. Nicole,
    I think this is such a great message! As a new clinician, I find myself constantly trying to be the best therapist that I can. Although there are obviously some positive outcomes associated with striving to be better, there are also benefits to stepping back to listen at times. Placing value on therapist-client relationships may bring for more positive outcomes. Developing trust and understanding with each other can lead to successful therapy. Thank you for sharing this!

    • Thank you so much for your comment. It is a life-long journey to figure out who our clients need us to be, but through sharpening our skills of listening, we can definitely get there faster.

  17. Hi Nicole! As a graduate student, I’ve thought to myself, “I want to be a good therapist”, but I don’t think I have ever stopped to think about what a good therapist is. I want to do some personal reflection about what I think a good therapist is, what a good mother is, what a good daughter is because unless I define what I deem “good” then I’m not sure what I am striving for. I like how you give some characteristics of a good therapist at the end of your paper “adaptable, open-minded, and learning to listen better”. I can be of better service to future client’s if I ask “How can I be a good therapist for this client” with every client. Thank you for taking the time to share your insight and experience.

  18. Hi Nicole! This was so well written. As a future SLP, I often feel the pressure to address all of the goals in a session and sometimes forget to take a minute to connect with clients. I am constantly learning how I can be a better clinician and it is so important to remember that building rapport and trust with a client is productive! If we don’t have trust from a client, we won’t be able to teach them what they are there to learn. Thank you for sharing this important message!