 About the Author:
Jorie (Marjorie) Rosenthal Foer, M.A., CCC-SLP, BCS-F, is a speech-language pathologist who stuttered briefly in her twenties and experienced fear of speaking in groups of two or more for over four decades. She is one of the initial cadre of SLPs to become Board Recognized/Certified in Stuttering/Fluency. In her private practice, StutteRevolution, she delights in helping people discover and identify with their Self Energy and learn to trust their Innate Ability to Speak Naturally. |
How could one size fit all? Each person on the planet has different experiences, memories, perceptions, beliefs and ways of being in the world. Why should people who stutter (PWS) be any different? People are people after all! The experience of stuttering is different for each individual . Some brush it off like an itch, barely noticing that they deal with it. Some are keenly aware that a certain word, sound or circumstance is on the horizon and prepare to avoid it no matter what! Some experience the moment of stuttering as a traumatic event, recalling the block again and again, designing their lives in order to avoid reliving the experience in real time. Some meet the challenge head on with full determination to muster through. Some welcome the opportunity to prove to themselves that they have mastered the intruding thoughts that used to convince them that they couldn’t say what they want, the way they want to say it. Some look at the moment in awe of what they’ve done to change their experience of speaking. It’s different for everyone. Diversity is the essence of existence.
And our diversity is largely created by our memories, experiences, beliefs, perceptions and related emotions. These disparate pasts influence how we navigate life in the present. It’s essential to honor one’s personal memories, to listen to its whispers and shouts. Our Inner Wisdom is derived from our experiences in life. It’s what we learn to trust and use as our compass. Stuttering can be a personal compass, pointing us to our True North. And it can be a faulty compass, leading us down formidable mazes and dark, narrow, and lonely alleyways. How can stuttering be both? It depends on how one perceives the experience that creates the memory that lays the foundation for your response to future experiences. What you focus on grows.
Perception influences our belief system. I’m in Nova Scotia right now, visiting. Our host is a meteorologist. When we arrived on a beautiful, sunny day, he said “Rain is forecast for the weekend, and fortunately, there’s no such thing as bad weather – it’s all weather!” Zero judgment. Just acceptance and appreciation. Now that’s Wisdom.
All too often, people feel judged for who they are, how they look, sound or behave, and that outer perception of judgment plants seeds to grow inner judgment that sprouts shame, feeling unworthy, not good enough – like bad weather. Emotions are strong anchors for memories from experiences, be they “good” or “bad”. But if there was no judgment associated with the experience, like the mundanity of getting dressed or driving long distances, there would likely be no memory of it! Try to remember getting dressed twenty days ago, or every single perception of a three hour drive. You can’t because there weren’t any strong emotions at the time of these events. The emotions that are attached to the experience create a memory that holds a belief and creates perception. No strong emotion, no strong memory or belief. https://www.cuimc.columbia.edu/news/why-are-memories-attached-emotions-so-strong
For clients who experience stuttering as traumatic, it’s important to explore emotions attached to the memories of stuttering. The emotions are different, and in many ways the same for PWS. For people who seek to rid themselves of their stutter, shame is fairly ubiquitous. Feeling shame for stuttering distorts your perception of who you truly are. Shame convinces you that unless you speak without stuttering, you’re never going to be acceptable, loveable or worthy. Given freedom to run amok, shame destroys and takes lives. It’s a bummer of an emotion. And yet, there can be redeeming qualities to shame. Certainly, when it comes to how we perceive ourselves regarding speaking, it’s misguided. But this particular emotion also keeps us from doing things that would be unspeakable, illegal and immoral. That’s a navigation tool worth using!
Doubt is a feeling that can shut us down when it comes to trusting our ability to speak. We know that we can say a particular word or sound when alone, or in certain situations, but doubt that we can when with multiple listeners, authority figures or when time-pressured. Doubt drives a wedge or maybe even a wall between how we know we can talk and how we believe we will talk. This gulf between our two selves can be maddening. It’s a secret that most fear to share since it feels disturbing and questions our sanity. Yet it’s also a key to changing the experience of speaking. If one does not doubt their ability to speak, but instead aligns and identifies with their innate ability to speak naturally (as when alone), then that, over time, becomes their primary way of speaking. It’s actually not that simple, there are many other attitudinal adjustments to make as well, but this is a foundational belief, the True North, the Inner Wisdom that says “I can speak with no listeners, therefore, I can speak with listeners.”
When push comes to shove, doubt in the ability to speak knows that it does not serve a purpose when it comes to speaking naturally. Doubt in the ability to fly off a cliff without wings does save lives however! And it’s important to discern which words will harm or support as we express them. So there is a place for doubt in our lives, just not when it comes to trusting our ability to speak naturally. In that situation, it confounds our sensibilities!
Perceptions are packed with powerful punches. Focusing on how others perceive us and consequently monitoring our speech as we speak, is unnatural. That’s why speaking naturally, without monitoring is the default when there is no listener present or when we don’t feel judged by another, as when speaking to a pet or young child. You’re just naturally being yourself.
If as a young child, I perceive you judging me because I’m stuttering, I start to judge myself because I’m stuttering. I then do my best to speak flawlessly, monitoring and controlling my speech so as not to stutter or be judged, by you or myself. Ironically, intending to speak perfectly means the speaker must judge their speech. Monitoring and controlling is an unnatural, ineffective and detrimental way of speaking, and this intention to speak without stuttering is a major player in maintaining stuttering. This would be true for any action or behavior that we perform with the intention of perfection. Perfection isn’t a human trait after all, yet most PWS strive for it. There’s a belief that perfection will fend off feeling shame. But this strategy backfires.
How could anyone walk naturally if they judged their every step? They couldn’t, their mind would be too involved with maneuvering each and every muscle to make sure that either foot was properly placed with precise timing. But people accept the fact that kids take a step and fall and get back up, no judgment. In fact, the walking falling walking falling process is typically celebrated. This is not necessarily true with speech and language development. Some people feel it is their right or duty to correct a misspoken word or sound. It could be adults, siblings or peers. It’s never a baby or a pet. This outer critic hatches the inner critic. Both critics believe they are saving us from embarrassment when they tell us how to speak, or when, or when not to speak. But these critics are sadly misinformed. Critics might have our best interest at heart, but it doesn’t feel good, no matter how you slice it, to be criticized or feel lesser than because of a critic. Encouragement and positive framing is definitely the feedback of choice.
People who don’t stutter don’t focus on how others may perceive their speech production or judge themselves harshly for a speech error. If they flub up, they correct the flub and move on. It’s like tripping and falling when nobody is watching; it’s possible that the criticizing voice will remind you what a dope you are, but it’s also likely that you’ll move on and forget about it (unless you broke a bone!) because nobody was watching and therefore the perceptions of others were not a factor. You’ll just brush yourself off and keep walking.
Likewise, people who stutter don’t stutter when they read silently, in their head. The reading critic might pop in for a moment and correct how to read a certain word, but it doesn’t criticize how the person produces the words while reading silently. (If there’s a reading disorder, then the reading critic will likely blossom). When reading silently, there’s no outer judge, or perceiver, and so the Stuttering System is inactive. Notice how this analogy is the same, whether there are speech muscles involved or not! Stuttering’s underlying foundation has nothing to do with auditory feedback or muscle tension, it lies in memories, beliefs and perceptions, then the intentions to avoid repeating the negative emotion – shame.
I do believe that each person’s Stuttering System is unique, which is why no two PWS stutter in the same way. We all come with different experiences, memories, beliefs and perceptions that are linked to the emotions that anchor and empower the Stuttering System. When a person learns how their unique Stuttering System is wired, they learn about themself as a person who stutters and a person who doesn’t stutter. They recognize familiar “Parts” (doubt, fear, anticipation, avoidance, shame – to name a few) who have been running their speech systems and they choose to befriend these Parts who play such a strong role in the creation and maintenance of their Stuttering System. This is at the heart of acceptance.
The intrepid souls who become curious about who that person who doesn’t stutter truly is, and start to explore, experiment and trust that person to lead the way also learn a new way of relating to their old Parts. As they begin to identify more with the person who speaks with ease, they learn to recognize “Stuttering Beliefs” as young, misinformed, well-intentioned Parts that are stuck in the past, based on early memories. These Stuttering Parts start trusting the Inner Wisdom or True Self and wait quietly and patiently without jumping in to save their person from stuttering. This in turn means the person is just talking, without judgment, fear, or hesitation. The person is speaking using their Innate Ability to Speak Naturally, just like they do when alone.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is also known as “Parts Work.” https://ifs-institute.com/. It’s a modality that is evidence based and known for its effectiveness in treating trauma. At the end of September, 2023, after six months in the IFS On-Line Circle Training, I will be qualified as “IFS Informed”. Working with an IFS therapist, I finally came to understand the root of my fear of speaking. I befriended these Parts that did their best to protect me since I was very young and I’ve since given prize winning talks at my local Toastmasters Club! Each person’s Stuttering System is unique, but our Inner Wisdom, or Self as IFS calls it, is fueled by a kind of Energy that feels beyond our human experience. It’s an intuitive Inner Knowing of what’s true. Knowing that you can speak in one situation can be your True North for knowing you can speak in any situation.
Jorie,
You have written a very thoughtful article. I have a bad habit of parsing the natural language; in this instance English.
Let me take one sentence that you wrote and torture it to death:
“… a foundational belief, the True North, the Inner Wisdom that says “I can speak with no listeners, therefore, I can speak with listeners.”
Let me twist it a bit and ask you if you go along with me. I want to replace “therefore, i can speak with listeners. by I should be able to speak with listeners when I adjust my attitude or belief system to “the physical *speak* I can do as long as I don’t add to my belief system
*in the past I have had spotty success of keeping as serene outlook as when I am taking alone. Since I have had a variety of degrees of serenity I need to first adjust my beliefs to keep successful speech production. only by keeping the same level of calmness will I be having the same level of speech output.
Yikes! Let me try to restate it.
Activating Event is speech situation
Emotional response is calmness if the belief about talking to the boss is “I can keep same emotional response if I don’t tell myself ‘it would be awful if I stuttered'”.
On the other hand if I devotedly believe life would go to hell in a handbasket, I would upset myself emotionally and my speech would go into hell in a handbasket.
Not a much better explanation, but you might gather that we in REBT believe that it is not the Activating event *A* but the evaluative Belief *B* that causes us the emotional consequence at *C* followed by speech struggle.
Did you at all follow me or, because English is my third language or because I am not eloquent I can’t get my point across.
Hello Gunars! Thank you for your thoughtful inquiry. The twist you proposed is missing a key element. I wrote:”“… a foundational belief, the True North, the Inner Wisdom that says “I can speak with no listeners, therefore, I can speak with listeners.”
You proposed: “Let me twist it a bit and ask you if you go along with me. I want to replace “therefore, i can speak with listeners. by I should be able to speak with listeners when I adjust my attitude or belief system to “the physical *speak* I can do as long as I don’t add to my belief system”
The key missing element is who is speaking? When we speak from The Authentic Self, True Self or Self Energy (IFS term) it does not involve looking outward. It’s based on knowing and speaking from our Inner Wisdom. It’s heartfelt. There aren’t beliefs involved, only an Inner Knowing. Connecting with my True Self feels like connecting with my Spirit.
Adjusting one’s attitude or belief would be a strategy for pleasing those in the outer world. This is about going within to understand why you abandoned your Essence. Your calm, comfortable confident Self who speaks with ease in one or more situations. It’s about knowing who you truly are, at the Core of your Being and trusting that knowledge as your True North when it comes to speaking.
Does this answer your question?
Hi Jorie,
What a great piece. I can so strongly identify with the innate shame you speak of. I started speaking at around two years, and was a real chatterbox and enjoyed speaking immensely. I started stuttering at around five years, as told to me by my mother many years later.
I do not remember the early stuttering moments – what I remember is my father yelling me at when I stuttered, which was embarrassing and I didn’t understand why he yelled. He screamed at me to “stop that,” “shut up” and his face would get beet red and his face looked like it might explode (well, it did to 5 year old me.) That’s what I remember – the feeling that gave me that there was something wrong with how I spoke and my own father was ashamed of me.
I tried everything I could do to not have that kind of reaction when I spoke around my father. The only thing that worked was to not talk. So that’s what I did – take a huge deep dive into hiding stuttering and feeling shame for many, many years.
I was fired from a many year’s held job because of stuttering. It was then that I decided to face down all of the negative feelings I had held about me and my stuttering and try to move past the shame. I entered into a great relationship with a therapist (not speech therapist) and we dissected so much of my childhood trauma (lots of unhealthy stuff) and talked about stuttering, for the first time ever in my life really talking about it. He was a psychotherapist who knew a lot about stuttering having helped teach a counseling course at a college CSD course on stuttering. I didn’t know that when I first started seeing him.
I worked through so much stuff and began to see my worthiness as a person, and one who also happens to stutter.
I was able to let go of a lot of shame over the years since sort of redefining myself, and realizing that at my core, my essence, I was good enough.
I am sure you are helpful to your clients who stutter.
You stuttered briefly in your twenties. That’s unusual late onset. Did it just come and go?
Pam
Jorie,
You have explained yourself well. We come from different theories/different places. I am a stoic, a Rational Emotive Behavior Therapist in which we adjust our beliefs so as to be helpful in calmly resolving my INNER conflict. Let us not argue whose point is right. Inn the theme of this conference *one size does not fit all*, it is only to be expected that we might differ in adapting what has worked for us.
Gunars,
I am thrilled that you have found what works for you, that’s what we’re here to do! And it’s truly in alignment with the Conference’s theme.
Hi Pam!
Thank you for sharing your story. It takes courage to be vulnerable and let others know how deeply you were wounded. I’m glad that you found a therapist who helped you work through your childhood traumas. Your father screaming at you to “stop that” and “shut up” shamed both you and your speech.
You wrote “I worked through so much stuff and began to see my worthiness as a person, and one who also happens to stutter.” I’m doing the happy dance for you discovering your worthiness as a person, YEA! We’re all worthy – sadly, some people manage to make us believe we’re not. I’m glad you uncovered the truth.
Here’s the thing that I see differently from most other PWS and SLPs: you don’t “happen to stutter”. You spoke fine until age five (which, as I’m sure you know is a slightly later starting age for stuttering – not as late as mine…). I’m willing to put money on you not stuttering in certain circumstances nowadays. If that’s the case, then there are likely Parts inside you who feel at ease in these situations, but less comfortable in others. These Parts are doing their best to protect you from stuttering, but Parts are typically frozen in time. Since they came into being when you started stuttering and you were very young, they have a young child’s perspective and beliefs about how talking works. They keep doing their job the best they can to keep you from stuttering, which ironically, keeps you stuttering.
When I stuttered in my twenties, it did come and go, I experienced mostly mild repetitions. But I remember one HUGE embarrassing block that shook me to my core and set me on a course for change.
Thank you Jorie for such a thoughtful reply. I still stutter, a lot sometimes, not much other times. It may indeed be situational, it may also be simply to being older. I gave a keynote speech this past summer, in an environment in which I was very comfortable, but still I stuttered throughout. I think that now that I have “found my voice” and shed a lot of the shame, I feel more comfortable stuttering openly. I don’t care as much what other people think, which led to a lot of my fear and shame. Being true to myself, and my authentic voice, with all of it’s complexity, is most important to me now.
Pam
Awesome Pam! I’m so happy for you! I’m not ready to give a keynote speech! I’m still working on my own lingering speech anxiety. I’m making great progress, so hopefully, some day soon I’ll be ready for the big stage, if it should call. Keep being true to your self and you can’t go wrong.
Peace,
Jorie
Jorie,
Thank you so much for sharing this story. Shame is such a powerful emotion that impacts many parts of someone’s life. Addressing the shame and being aware of how it influences you can be a powerful first step in overcoming it. As a future SLP, I want to do my best to provide treatment to my clients that will not create more negative feelings about their speech. Some treatments focus on acknowledging smooth speech and praising speech without stutter. How do you think this affects people who stutter? I know each person experiences stuttering differently, but it seems acknowledging their smooth speech would make it seem like their stuttering is not acceptable.
Hello kstiffler! Thank you for reading my article and asking a foundational question. It sounds to me as if you intuitively know the answer to your question. Instead of praising certain kinds of unnatural speech production, I prefer to praise listening to Intuition, one’s Core or Self Energy, the Higher Self; there are lots of names for this Inner Wisdom. Praising unnatural speech production makes no sense to me when all of my clients have expressed that they can speak with ease when no listener is present, or when talking to a pet or young child. To me, that means that they already know how to talk naturally, but they block their full, natural expression. I work from the inside out, not the outside in.
Yesterday’’s session with a client highlights how this works. I wanted to help my client discern his Higher Self/Self Energy from Parts that may come in to protect him from stuttering. It so happened that there was a lot of construction noise both inside and outside our building: drilling, banging, digging, all kinds of machinery working away, so I decided to incorporate all the noise, tumult and chaos around us into our work together. I guided him to take deep relaxing breaths, as many as he needed, in order to experience a shift inside his body and to feel the sensations of relaxation. This took a few minutes and was initially easier during the quiet moments. Then I had him notice how he felt when he heard construction sounds. After that, I had him keep going back to the relaxed feeling whenever he noticed his body tensing due to the noise. Gradually I guided him to do this on his own, trusting that he knew how to relax his system. We practiced this for a while.
When we were done with this meditation practice, he told me about his experience, initially using his Stuttering System/default mode speech (speaking with the Intention to not stutter). Then he spontaneously shifted into using his Innate Ability to Speak Naturally (IASN).
I asked him if he noticed what he had done when he made this shift to using his IASN and he said “Yes, I started speaking slower”. I validated that it probably felt that way and then shared what I observed: that he used a typical rate of speech, but without any tension. He had been speaking with excess tension in multiple parts of his body, but he had Intuitively released all excess tension and trusted his Inner Wisdom to guide him to using the necessary amount of tension for speaking naturally and with ease.
We both relished the moment, recognizing that he had discovered more about what contributes to his Stuttering System, and how his Inner Wisdom, Intuition, Self-Energy, Authentic Self guided him to release the excess tension allowing access to his IASN. Noticing how to access one’s IASN is its own reward.
I hope this example sheds a little light on why praising unnatural speech production, even if it’s stutter free, is not the goal of therapy. The goal is to help our clients understand what is going on inside and become comfortable with accessing their Inner Wisdom. Their Inner Wisdom guides them to what feels best and natural for them. Using excess tension or a natural amount of tension is just one tiny piece of our work together. Helping a client notice and identify how their Stuttering System works takes time. It’s complex, rewarding work and I feel blessed to be on this journey with my clients.
Thanks for connecting with me,
Jorie
Hello! I am a graduate student getting my degree in speech language pathology. I greatly appreciate the insight you have given into the lives of people who stutter. I want to ask for your advice, as an SLP and person who stuttered. You mentioned in your article that “Perceptions are packed with powerful punches” and that “speaking naturally, without monitoring, is the default when there is no listener present or when we don’t feel judged by another” (Foer, 2022). As a future clinician, how can I create a space in therapy that feels natural for my client to be able to speak freely and comfortably? Do you feel like you have a different perspective as a clinician or approach therapy differently because you can personally relate to PWS?
I appreciate your perspective that any emotion that a PWS has experienced related to stuttering can lead to growth. There are just many different paths. This has inspired me, as a future speech language pathologist, to not ignore these emotions and find ways to use them to support patients’ growth. We have to find the root cause of those emotions and beliefs. I love your comment that “Our Inner Wisdom is derived from our experiences in life” and that “Stuttering can be a personal compass, pointing us to our True North” (Foer, 2022). We overflow towards others what we are filled up with. We must explore all emotions and ensure our patients are filled with positivity while reflecting on past experiences. If we can support our patients in finding their “True North”, we will more successfully be able to provide effective treatment.
Hello MmooreE! I’m delighted with your questions and apologize for the delay. We’ve been away with family at a wedding all weekend and I want to give you a thoughtful reply. I’ll post something soon.
Jorie
Thank you
Hello MmooreE!
You expressed your concern about how to address the issue of our clients feeling judged by listeners when you asked: “As a future clinician, how can I create a space in therapy that feels natural for my client to be able to speak freely and comfortably?” What an insightful question! You’re already putting the pieces of the puzzle in place. I think you’ll love the answer!
I wrote: “The intrepid souls who become curious about who that person who doesn’t stutter truly is, and start to explore, experiment and trust that person to lead the way also learn a new way of relating to their old Parts.” In addition to describing how clients learn to relate to themselves in a new way, it also shows how clinicians can (need to) be when relating to themselves and to their clients. This “person” is the True You, your Inner Wisdom, your Self-Energy.
You asked: Do you feel like you have a different perspective as a clinician or approach therapy differently because you can personally relate to PWS?” My answer is no. This is because I view (developmental) stuttering as a habit. As humans we all have desirable and undesirable habits. If you can dive deeply into any undesirable habit (smoking, drinking, drugs, overspending, overeating, angry outbursts, speeding, you name it), understand its origins and relate to the Parts of that habit’s system in a harmonious way, you’ll also be able to understand how to be in Self-Energy while working with your clients who stutter. Seeing an Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist to gain insight and understanding regarding an undesired habit puts you in your clients shoes – whether you’ve stuttered or not.
As students or seasoned veterans, it’s not about taking on the challenge to stutter in public so that we can know what it’s like to stutter in public. I would venture a guess that we’ve all felt shame, self-doubt, lack of control or fear regarding trying to change or eliminate an undesired habit. Knowing these key emotions brings you to compassion and clarity for how our clients feel, and this is Self-Energy.
It’s crucial that clinicians be in Self-Energy when we work with our clients. It’s how we build Trust between us and our client and how the client can gradually learn to build Trust within their own System(s). There’s a Stuttering System inside PWS and an Anger System inside someone with anger issues, there are tons of Systems inside each and every one of us.
You are the intrepid soul who becomes curious about your client and their Stuttering System. You lead each session from Self-Energy (I describe this more in my response to kstiffler.). Internal Family Systems (or “Parts” Work) offers a guide to this kind of Energy; it’s called the eight Cs and five Ps of Self Energy. Here’s a resource (I wasn’t able to paste in the visual.):
The 8 C’s of Self Leadership help us recognize how much of our “Self” is available to us in any moment.
Calmness – n. 1. serenity regardless of the circumstances 2. the ability to react to triggers in your environment in less automatic and extreme way
Clarity – the ability to perceive situations accurately without distortion from extreme beliefs and emotions 2. the ability to maintain objectivity about a situation in which one has a vested interest 3. the ability to recognize one’s own bias or preconception and then seek a deeper understanding
Curiosity – n. 1. a strong desire to know or learn something new about a topic, situation or person in a non-judgmental way 2. to have a sense of wonder about the world and how things work
Compassion – n. 1. to be open-heartedly present and appreciative of others and one’s self without feeling the urge to fix, change, distance, or judge 2. an intuitive understanding that the burdens or suffering of others affects you because of your connectedness to them
Confidence – n. 1. to maintain the ability to stay fully present in a situation and effectively handle or repair anything that happens 2. to have internalized the growth that comes from healing previous traumas and failures 3. to understand that life and learning includes making mistakes
Courage – n. 1. strength in the face of threat, challenge or danger 2. to take action toward a goal that others would find overwhelming 3. to take complete responsibility for one’s actions and make amends to correct one’s errors 4. the willingness to reflect upon and explore one’s inner world
Creativity – n. 1. the use of the imagination to produce original ideas 2. the ability to enter the “flow state” in which expression spontaneously flows out of us and we are immersed in the pleasure of the activity 3. the ability to create generative learning and solutions to problems alone or with others
Connectedness – n. 1. the state of feeling a part of a larger entity such as a partnership, team, community, or organization 2. to be able to relax your defenses with others as you know that you won’t be judged or controlled 3. to have companionship and/or spirituality that helps one deal with reality in a way that transcends circumstances
https://ifs-institute.com
© 2020 Julia Sullivan and IFS Institute
The five Ps are:
Patience – n. 1. the quality of being – as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation 2. Patience is a coping skill that can transform frustration into emotional freedom. It’s a way to wait, watch, and know when to act, based on intuition 3. Is an attitude to hold while waiting. (#3 is modified from Joyce Meyer’s quote)
Perspective – n. the state of one’s ideas, the facts known to one, etc., in having a meaningful interrelationship. 2. the faculty of seeing all the relevant data in a meaningful relationship: 3. a mental view or prospect
Presence – n. 1. One definition of being present is “… paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally.” Quote by Jon Kabat Zinn, professor and founder of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction
Playfulness – adj. 1. full of play or fun; sportive; frolicsome. 2. pleasantly humorous or jesting
Persistence n. 1. continued existence or occurrence. 2. the continuance of an effect after its cause is removed. (Persist v. 1. to continue steadfastly or firmly in some state, purpose, course of action, or the like, especially in spite of opposition, remonstrance, etc. 2. to last or endure tenaciously 3. to be insistent in a statement, request, question, etc.)
Jorie Foer, 2023 definitions are from Dictionary.com unless otherwise noted.
If you can be in any of these types of energies or something that is similar to one or more of these energies, your client will gradually realize it, start to trust you, and slip into using their Innate Ability to Speak Naturally (IASN). Some clients don’t stutter with me from the time we first meet, others take time to settle into perceiving my nonjudgmental nature. When this happens, stuttering fades out. I haven’t directly worked on or modified anything in the way my client talks. I’ve just helped them experience speaking with someone who listens with presence, compassion, clarity and perspective (on who they are – a person who can speak with ease when all Stuttering System Parts are relaxed and they trust their IASN), curiosity (about how they can best begin to understand their own Stuttering System), connectedness, confidence, creativity and playfulness. I may not have all of these qualities of Self-Energy present at one time. But I draw on them, from my inner well, knowing that this way of Being with my clients is healing. Yes, I also persist with courage and patience.
We’re all Beings made up of Energy. We all have Energy Systems and learning about our own Energy Systems and how they work helps us help our clients. It’s critical to know when we’re in Self-Energy (the Eight Cs and Five Ps) vs when we’re “blended with a Part” such as an “expert” a “follower”, a “perfectionist”, a “victim”, an “avoider”, or an “indulgent” Part. It’s easiest for me to understand “being blended with a Part” when thinking about who I become when anger takes over. If I’m upset about something and am unable to access Self-Energy to deal with the upsetting situation, I’ve become blended with that Angry Part. Maybe anger is a litmus test for you, or maybe there’s another type of undesirable energy system such as self-doubt or fear that blends with and overshadows your Self-Energy. This inner exploration gives you new eyes and strengthens access to your Inner Wisdom for understanding what’s going on with your client.
When you’re blended with a Part, you’re not able to be curious about your client’s system because you’re not in Self-Energy; you’re also coming from a place of having the answers. Only our client truly knows how their Stuttering System works. That’s because there are countless ways to create a Stuttering System and every System is unique based on each person’s experiences and memories. It’s our job to help our clients become curious about their Stuttering System. They need to go inside and ask Shame, or Doubt, or Fear, or the Critic or the Perfectionist Part what it wants us (the client and clinician) to know. Befriending our Stuttering System is a counter-intuitive process. Some clients might initially balk at befriending a stuttering Part – they’d much rather annihilate it. I get that – that’s what I wanted to do! They worry that giving the Part positive attention or any attention, will give it more power. The paradox is: Stuttering Systems are built on power that is given away.
When a young child starts believing that they don’t speak right, they stop trusting and using their IASN and instead build a speaking (Stuttering) System based on their need to control and monitor their speech. This is unnatural and a key foundation for creating and maintaining a Stuttering System (along with megadoses of fear, doubt, self-criticism, shame, sadness/depression, and boatloads of more negative thinking that become the inner workings of the Stuttering System.)
Most grad programs and therapists (who came from these programs and continuing education training) are seeing some changes in PWS thanks to helping clients start to reclaim who they are – a person who can do anything – including being President of the United States. Unfortunately, they’ll stop there because they’re taught to believe that’s all we can do for our clients. Researchers, therapists and PWS are now closely knit together in a determined fight for having the world see stuttering as something that everyone must “accept because it will always be there.”
I’m all for acceptance of reality, that only makes sense. I also support the inherent rights of individuals to choose their own paths in life. If someone wants to choose acceptance of stuttering and that fills their soul, it’s their right to choose that journey. If a client comes to me saying that they want to stop stuttering, I don’t promise that they can achieve this goal. I do help my clients understand and accept their Stuttering Parts and get to know their Self-Energy. This process facilitates feeling confident and comfortable speaking from Self-Energy and their IASN.
As therapists we need to understand that PWS can stop stuttering. It’s a habit, albeit a very complicated one. Most people are taught to believe that stuttering is “neurological” and therefore our clients will always stutter. I’ve asked neurologists about this and they always respond with a chuckle and say “Everything is neurological!”
Neuroplasticity allows us to learn, create and change neurological patterns. So that’s what I leverage in my work. I help my clients reclaim their True Self and their IASN using my perspective of the Stuttering System (it’s a habit), IFS and leveraging neuroplasticity. It’s an exciting and fulfilling adventure and I wouldn’t trade it for the world!
Here’s a link to a book that the founder of IFS wrote for the public; it’s excellent. You can get it from your public library in audio form as well.
https://ifs-institute.com/nobadparts
Thanks again for your heartfelt, soulful questions,
Jorie
Thanks for your interesting paper, Jorie. It’s hard for a person who has never himself experiences the hurdles to understand what it’s like, especially if they haven’t met a person with f ex disabilities before. Thanks to going to disability meetings I’ve learned so much about other disabilities, what’s needed, wanted and unwanted. I was sitting at a dinner table next to a person with CP and I watched him struggle with his meat. So I asked him if he needed help. He asked me to cut his meat and after that he’d manage himself. I learned that some people with bowel problems get a disabilit parking licence, as when they need to go, they really need to go NOW. And than I got ME/cfs and suddenly realized the problems people in wheelchairs face, when I got mine own. And to see faces when I step out of mine and lift it in my car…
I wish we would dare to ask more questions. Not directly help or give “advice”, but ask. What is it like? What can I do to help? What should I not do or say? I know this is not easy, especially when you’re a person who’s trying to hide whatever you’re dealing with. But for me, I’d rather get a question than to get people to think they know my needs.
Great food for thought!
Happy ISAD
Anita
Thank you for sharing your personal story and experiences with people who assume they know what’s best instead of asking what works for you! I’m sure that you could write a book about having lived on both sides of the ability/disability equation and you would be helping everyone open their hearts, minds and souls to new ways of relating and growing.
Happy ISAD to you too Anita!
Jorie