What would you say?
Hi my name is Kelby. I’m a graduate student for speech language pathology and I would love any advice on this topic. My question is knowing all that you know now, what is something you would say to a child who stutters and is having a hard time with acceptance? Also, how can I be helpful and encouraging throughout this journey? Your responses are greatly appreciated!
Hi Kelby,
Thank you for your thoughtful question. I am a person who stutters and also a parent of a daughter who stutters, although she is now an adult too. But I have experienced a lack of acceptance in both situations.
I think everyone who stutters struggles with the idea of acceptance at one time or another, so it is okay to acknowledge that it is hard to gain acceptance of your own speech. Stuttering can be difficult and a struggle, and it is difficult for a child to get past that. That being said, it is important for a child to look at stuttering in the context of their whole life. So, I think it would be helpful to show them where they are successful in their lives. For example, are they good at a sport, or do they write great poems, or are they a great sibling or a great friend, are they helpful in the home? So, acceptance is recognising and accepting the positive apects of their life and seeing that their speech is only one aspect of their life and doesn’t stop them from doing or being lots of things.
I think it is helpful to break things down into small achievements, so if a child has a problem saying ‘Hi, my name is …..’ make the first goal saying ‘Hi’, once the child has achieved this, then figure out what the next achievement is. And making the goal not about the speech but about the event. So the goal might be to say ‘Hi’ and for someone to say ‘Hi’ back, so whether the child stutters or not on ‘Hi’ they have achieved one goal by saying it and if the person says ‘Hi’ back then they have achieved another goal. What I mean is that the achievement is not in being fluent it is in speaking and getting the response you want. For example, ordering food and getting the food you want regardless of whether you stuttered or not. I hope that makes sense.
I think keeping a record of achievements so a child can look back and see how much they have achieved. So they might begin by being too scared to put their hand up in class, and over a number of weeks of figuring out how they can comfortably do it, they might get to a point where they can put up their hand. I think if they can see that by making lots of tiny steps in a period of time they will have moved quite far.
I hope you find some of those ideas helpful, and best of luck with your studies
Veronica
My experiences with teens and young adults who stutter who have mental health issues, it’s mostly because they are not being listened to. They tell me they can’t talk to their parents, they feel “different” and feel they are not being understood, so they withdraw. For most of them it comes back to the fact that stuttering is not the main issue, but people are. Have a look at the presentation of Willemijn (in this and previous years’ ISAD conferences) and Jeffrey (in this year’s conference), both young adults who have been to camps, met peers who became their forever friends and are now paying it forward.
I’d like to say to all kids who struggle with mental health: find your people. It’s really hard to find stuttering pride, when the world around you is telling to that you’re not “normal”. People telling you to not be nervous or to take a deep breath, people telling you there is this quick fix, the media showing movies and documentaries where stuttering is funny or stupid and where someone who’s “cured” is a role model, teachers grading your speech instead of your knowledge, employers judging you, and even the person in the street who can’t wait for you to finish your sentence and that device or answering machine not understanding your words…
Did you see the connection? It’s people. People who know what stuttering is about. Who don’t judge you, see you for who you are and the skills you have, and who include solutions for people who stutter. I changed from pretending I was mute to not have to talk, to someone who’s a stuttering activist, thanks to people. People who told me I am good enough, that my voice (no matter how I speak) is ok to be heard, that I’m a great and intelligent person. People who see the person behind the stutter.
I can’t advice what helps for all, but some ideas are to find ways to express yourself. Through music, art etc. To focus on what you CAN do and what you love doing. To realize everyone has things they don’t like, that being fluent is no garantee for happiness, that stuttering is not who you are, and that you can be a good communicator, stuttering and all.
Meet others who stutter. There are conferences, support groups, camps, chats, groups, etc. There are role models who stutter, but who are successful, and even making a living thanks to their stutter. Follow f ex Nina G, Marc Winski, The organisation STAMMA often shows videos of people who stutter but who are doing their thing anyway.
In short: surround yourself with people who lift you up. And who help you find your voice, to speak up and say what you want to say, and also say what you want and don’t want other people to do or say. We need to claim our right to stutter and make stuttering normal. It’s just the way we speak.
Keep them talking
Anita